Yosemite Sam Tagged to be Next James Bond

Yosemite Sam - the new James BondWith the news that Daniel Craig was stepping down as James Bond an exhaustive search began for a replacement.  That search ended today when popular cartoon character Yosemite Sam was chosen to be the next Bond.

“We auditioned many fine actors” said a spokesman for EON Productions “but in the end none had the quality of belligerence and handiness with firearms that Yosemite had.  From the moment he came in for the first audition and said ‘I’ll have my martini shaken not stirred ya flea-bitten varmint or I’ll blow you to smithereens’ we knew he was the one to bring Bond into the 21st Century.”

Yosemite then reportedly shot a production assistant who was tardy in bringing his martini saying “I’m the rootinist, tootinist MI6 agent East and West of the Pecos.”

Other actors that auditioned for the role included Jerry Lewis, “We liked the way he said ‘Hey laaaaaadiiiiiiiiy…..shaken not stirred’ but he had put on so much weight that couldn’t fit in Bond’s Aston Martin DBS V12.”

Robert Pattinson was considered on the strength of the popularity of the ‘Twilight” series but was rejected when he asked producers “This Bond guy, he’s a vampire right?” He also had problems affecting an English accent.  “He made Bond sound like he was from Boston.  We had to explain to him that Bond was from England, not New England.”

Rosie O’Donnell auditioned for the Bond role as well.  “She did have the necessary manliness we were looking for, not to mention a certain way with the ladies but she was just so unpopular with the crew we didn’t dare chance it.”

Rounding out the new cast will be Alec Baldwin who will play “M”, Lindsay Lohan as Miss Moneypenny and Neil Patrick Harris as “Q.”

This marks the first time all leads will be played by Americans, a source of much controversy in the United Kingdom.  During question time in Parliament British Prime Minister Gordon Brown called the casting “A blight on the special transatlantic relationship we have with the United States” and called on President Obama to step in and use his moral authority to prevent Yosemite Sam from playing the coveted role.

When asked by reporters about the controversy President Obama declined to get involved, saying “Being the most articulate, well-read and intellectually capable man to ever hold this office I know a thing or two about history.  There is nothing in our relationship with England that makes me want to apologize.  And if I can’t apologize to a country, then obviously they aren’t important.”

Queen Elizabeth has asked for their ambassador to the U.S. to be recalled.

The next Bond film, entitled “Say your prayers ya flea bitten varmint” will begin lensing in the Spring.


Leave a Reply

Using Gravatars in the comments - get your own and be recognized!

XHTML: These are some of the tags you can use: <a href=""> <b> <blockquote> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>