Scooby Doo Sues Mystery Inc.

Famous testicle-less dog Scooby DooScooby Doo, well-known ghost hunting dog has sued longtime human companions Shaggy, Fred, Velma and Daphne, aka “Mystery Inc” for “mental cruelty and loss of income” resulting from the absence of his testicles.

In a lawsuit filed today in the U.S. District Court Southern District of New York, Doo’s lawyers  expounded upon an “extremely cruel pattern of behavior that can only be described as an abomination to civilized people.”

The details of the lawsuit include:

  1. The removal of Mr. Doo’s testicles without his knowledge and permission.
  2. Getting him addicted to a narcotic substance known as the “Scooby Snack.”
  3. Cruelly toying with Mr. Doo by withholding aforementioned Scooby Snack until he agreed to demands of human companions.
  4. Repeatedly putting him in harm’s way as human companions commit felonies such as breaking and entering in order to investigate “paranormal” activity.

From the Court House steps in Foley Square Mr. Doo and his lawyers spoke to reporters.

“Is it true they removed your client’s testicles without his permission?” asked one reporter.

“It is true that they did this unspeakable thing to my client.” said his lawyer.  “My client was told nothing of this.  He was bundled into the so-called ‘Mystery Van’ and told he was going to visit a friend.  My client was put under and his testicles were removed.  What’s more the humans of Mystery Inc claim that this was for my client’s benefit and they have done this to other dogs.”

Mr. Doo then stood up on his hind legs, and as the crowd gasped in horror shouted “Look at me. I got no balls man!”

Mr. Doo’s lawyer continued.  “My client now suffers from  low self-esteem resulting from the inability to enjoy his sexuality.”

“Velma and Daphne are lovers.  I wouldn’t mind watching me some of that.  But what does it matter.  I have no balls!” said a distraught Scooby.

“Secondly Mystery Inc. has played a role in getting my client addicted to a powerful narcotic cocktail commonly known as the “Scooby Snack.’  My client now lives his life in a painful daze, unconcerned for food or hygiene and lives only for his next fix” continued the laywer.

“If I don’t get my Scooby Snack, Scooby goes out onto the street, and Scooby gets violent” said Mr. Doo.

“Thirdly, the humans of Mystery Inc. have on occasion cruelly withheld Scooby Snacks from my client until he bowed to their will.  My client would like to live a normal life with a normal family and has attempted to leave Mystery Inc.  When he has made his plans known Scooby Snacks are withheld until my client, suffering through the agony of withdrawal, agrees to continue hunting so-called ghosts” declared Mr. Doo’s lawyer.

“And fourth, the humans of Mystery Inc. use the cover of paranormal hunting to commit felonies.  Homes are broken into and burned down.  My client now has a criminal record because of this.  A criminal record that will haunt him in his attempts to re-assimilate into  society.”

“This is true” said Scooby.  “I just want what other dogs have.  A crotch to sniff, a bone to chew and a back yard to pee in.”

Mr. Doo is asking for $5 million in damages as well as the cost of experimental “testicle re-attachment” surgery to be paid by Mystery Inc.

Fred of Mystery Inc. when reached for comment claimed to be personally hurt by the actions today.  “Everything we did was for Scooby’s benefit.  He’s a born ghost hunter.  He and Shaggy make a great team.”  Fred then vowed to fight the lawsuit.  “We just want our canine friend back where he belongs.”


One Response

  1. innominatus says:

    I never figured out why, after receiving his Scooby Snack, ol’ Scoob didn’t just tell the rest of the crew to get bent.

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