The U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops announced today that they are making certain “necessary and fundamental” changes in how the Mass will be celebrated in the United States.

“Like Vatican II, which was a call for change, what we are implementing will bring the Church into the 21st Century and beyond” states Francis Cardinal George.  First to go will be the homily which will be replaced by a 15 minute “nap time.”

“Unlike Protestant ministers we found that no one really expects Catholic priests to have anything interesting to say.  In fact in doing research we found that the root meaning of homily is ‘sudden overwhelming urge to fall asleep.’ “

The new 15 minute nap in the middle of the Mass will give Catholics an opportunity to “reflect on how they can better serve their fellow members in the body of Christ and institute the economic justice that was the core of Jesus’ teaching.”

Also out is traditional Church music.  “While Vatican II signaled the beginning of the end of overused Catholic hymns and Gregorian chant we are proud to announce that those irrelevant ‘salvation-stressing’ songs will be replaced by the entire U2 song catalog.  Bono is a good christian role model who believes in economic justice.”

The Sign of the Cross will be replaced by a peace sign and the opening salutation of “In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit” will be changed to “In the name of the Father, the Son and President Obama.”

In announcing this last change Cardinal George told reporters that “it is important for the Church to stress the continuity between Jesus and President Obama.  Both were socialists who had absentee fathers.  Both were victims of entrenched racist bureaucracies.  Both spent their formative years in Hawaii.  Both were managed by Rahm Emanuel.”

The assembled Bishops expect the changes to be controversial at first but that they will eventually be accepted by the Catholic faithful.

“Over the years the Bishops have watched with concern as Mass attendance has declined.  We think is is because we weren’t stressing politics enough. We intend to continue to stress economic and social justice and downplay sin and salvation.  This will help revitalize the Church.  Trust us.  We’re Bishops.  We think we know what we’re doing.”

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