No one else knows what it means to be George Lazenby in the Zeppo Marx story

It has been announced that Pete Best has been signed on to star in the new Zeppo Marx biography being produced in Hollywood.

“When we decided to do a movie about Zeppo Marx we needed someone who could sell being famous for a very short time” said the movie’s producer.

Originally we tried to get that guy Ryan Seacrest replaced on American Idol but he demanded health benefits and lunch breaks. Then we tried to get the guy who replaced John Travolta on Welcome Back Kotter but I think he’s dead. It was then that we settled on Pete Best. When you think of Zeppo Marx you think of someone who was overshadowed by the more talented members of the group. When you think of Pete Best, well, need i say more?

When hired it was originally thought that Best would portray Zeppo. But as Best also asked for health benefits and lunch breaks it was decided to reduce the time he would be needed on the set. The role of Zeppo instead went to the second guy to play Lionel Jefferson in the sitcom The Jeffersons.

It was then that George Lazenby was written into the script and the role assigned to Best.

Lazenby, like Best was famous for a brief period. I mean he replaced Sean Connery as James Bond. For one movie. Then he was out. Replaced by the man he replaced. Best would play him. We took some dramatic license but the movie ends with an elderly and forgotten Zeppo Marx sitting by the Thames River when he meets a forgotten George Lazenby. They commiserate and then jump into the river to drown. So this climatic scene has Pete Best, an Englishman who was famous for a very short time playing George Lazenby, an Australian who was famous for a very short time talking to Zeppo Marx portrayed by the second actor to play Lionel Jefferson, an American who was famous for a very short time portraying another American who was famous for a very short time. It’s casting decisions like this that have made me rich. Well that and my father was a billionaire.

As for Best he is pleased to portray Lazenby.

“I know what it’s like to be passed over” he said.

When I was portraying Lazenby talking to Zeppo I felt it. I felt all the words! I also ad-libbed a little bit. I said “Remember Zeppo, watch out for Paul and never agree to a meeting in Brian Epstein’s office” though I think that bit may not make the final cut.

Best hopes his portrayal of Lazenby will bring more acting roles his way.

“I want a starring role this time, with health benefits and lunches. Lots of lunches. Hopefully with finger foods and some donuts.”

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America demands gender fluid zombies!

Producers of AMC’s hit show “The Walking Dead” have announced that the upcoming season will feature a story line with transsexual zombies.

“I’m a rich, powerful Hollywood producer” said one of the show runners.

And being a rich, powerful Hollywood producer means one thing: I have my finger on the pulse of middle America. And what middle America wants is more transsexuals! They can’t get enough transsexuals. In fact I’m starting an new all transgender cable channel. I do this because it’s the right thing to do. And as I mentioned before I have my finger on the pulse of middle America. I also have my finger up my secretary’s ass but that’s a different cable channel.

In season eight Rick and his band of survivors meet a group of transgender walkers. At first Rick wants to kill them (being a white male of northern European origin he is naturally prone to violence) but, touched by the outcast status of the transgendered, he has a change of heart.

Even after one of the transgendered walkers eats his son Rick refuses to kill.

In a speech that has been called pivotal Rick looks out at his new transgendered allies and throws down his gun.

“I used to ask people how many they have killed” says Rick.

But I know now that was the remnants of the pre-apocalyptic patriarchy inside me that was speaking. Having met these transgendered walkers I am touched by their struggle. All they want to do is be accepted for who they are. And use the bathroom of their choice. Is that too much to ask of the undead? My conscience has been purified. What has happened to the world the past few years is the price we have to pay for patriarchy, misogyny and white supremacy. Fondly do we hope, fervently do we pray, that this mighty scourge of the undead apocalypse may speedily pass away. Yet, if God, who doesn’t exist but if he does hates patriarchy, misogyny and white supremacy as well, wills that it continue until all the wealth piled by the prejudice against walkers shall be sunk, and until every drop of blood drawn with the lash shall be paid by another drawn with Daryl’s crossbow, as was said three thousand years ago, so still it must be said “the judgments of the Lord, who hates patriarchy, misogyny and white supremacy are true and righteous altogether.”

In the transgendered story arc Rick teams up with the transsexual walkers to fight Negan.

“Negan represents the patriarchy” said the show runner.

As such he must lose and lose badly. But not before being shamed by the moral superiority of the transsexual walkers. Yes I know this takes our show in a whole different direction but as I mentioned before I have my pulse on the finger of middle America and what they want are more social justice messages in their entertainment.

“It’s all about having your finger on the pulse” he continued.

“That’s how you get an edge in this business. I also have my finger up the Chinese delivery boy’s ass. But that’s a story for another day.”

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Death to the bastard!

History’s greatest monster is dead, never again to terrorize America with his alt-right thoughts and anti-environment actions.

Long known and feared for his destruction of trees, local animal life and aggressive, binary sexual expression the evil woodpecker was surrounded and taken out by SWAT teams from the Departments of Interior, Agriculture and the Environmental Protection Agency.

“The struggle is over. The destroyer of worlds Woody Woodpecker is dead” announced Attorney General Jeff Sessions.

No one Federal agency can take the credit for this operation. It is the result of cooperation between many agencies of the Government. Once he was identified as a thought criminal we coordinated our efforts to bring him to justice. I also want to thank the Department of Defense for allowing us to use their satellites and drones to locate and take out Mr. Woodpecker.  These events show what our government can do when we cooperate together.

Though the Government had long recognized Mr. Woodpecker as a domestic terrorist the legal justification for his assassination came in a memo drafted by several college professors working with the Feds.

The memo, entitled “Combating the Rise of Animal Extremism and Cisgenderism” detailed Mr. Woodpecker’s crimes.

• Damage to the environment

………the woodpecker seems to spend his entire day burrowing into trees. This results in the death of the said trees, loss of foliage, rising temperatures and sea levels and concomitant destruction of coastland………..

• Anti-veganism

……..he has shown a repeated tendency to disparage a vegan diet. Veganism is peacefulism. The science is settled on this. When offered gluten-free vegan food he will ignore it and continue to eat his normal diet of worms, not to be confused with the Holy Roman Empire’s Diet of Worms which is an entirely different thing altogether……..

• Woodpecker nationalism

…….this woodpecker repeatedly shows the evil in his heart by deprecating the company of other species and only wanting to hang around other woodpeckers leading to his woodpecker nationalism…….

• Cisgender woodpecker sexual expression

…….Mr. Woodpecker has refused to have sex with other male woodpeckers and prefers to strut his male woodpecker organs in front of female woodpeckers, This is dangerous. It is wrong and leads to oppression of gay woodpeckers………

With the legal and moral justification for Mr. Woodpecker’s assassination by Government in place, and assisted by drones, siege was laid on his habitat.  Federal forces advanced at a rate of 20 feet a day despite Mr. Woodpecker’s defenses of several rows of cheval-de-frise’s.

As Government forces of righteousness closed in and sensing he was about to be caught Mr. Woodpecker put out a white flag and sought to negotiate, but to no avail.

“There is no negotiating with evil” said the commander of the Department of Interior’s SWAT team.

Nor can we negotiate with evil. Did we negotiate with Hitler? Did we negotiate with Hirohito?  Perhaps we should have. It would have ended the war two years earlier and saved hundreds of thousand of lives. But that’s neither here nor there. No. We took out Mr. Woodpecker with extreme prejudice.

Once Mr. Woodpecker had expired his body was flown out over the Pacific and dumped into the ocean.

“We didn’t want a burial site that might have become a pilgrimage for incipient nationalist movements” said Attorney General Sessions.

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The monster is destroying my love life!

Today I have the pleasure of interviewing a controversial figure in science: None other than Doctor Henry Frankenstein himself.

MI:  Good afternoon Doctor Frankenstein.

HF: Please. I am no longer a doctor. I had my license stripped after my creation ran amok.

MI: I’m sorry. So what are you doing now?

HF: I’m a chiropractor. I still get to use my medical skills but now mostly my patients are lonely, rich women who take their clothes off and let me touch them.

MI: I never realized chiropracting  sounded so much like prostitution.

HF: I can’t let my talents go to waste.

MI:I  see. So tell me why did you decide to unlock the secrets of life and death?

HF: Well I don’t need to tell you that competition for funding from the Department of Health and Human Services is steep. There was a long line of applicants in front of me. So I needed to do something flashy to get their attention.

MI: Hence the raising of the dead.

HF: Yes.  Once I sent the HHS an outline of my project the money started rolling in. I had a lot of electrical equipment to buy. And I had to hire an assistant. Fortunately Igor was undocumented so I was able to pay him less than market share.

MI: You needed a dead body. That must have been tricky finding one.

HF: You would think so but I just drove into the southside of Chicago on a Saturday night. I had more than enough dead bodies to choose from.

MI: What are some of the challenges involved in raising the dead.

HF: I had to buy a lot of ice. I mean a lot of ice.  The dead tend to bloat and explode so I had to keep the corpse from decomposing.

MI: Tell me about the moment you brought the dead body back to life. That must have been exhilarating.

HF: At first it was. I kept shouting “It’s alive, it’s moving, it’s alive, it’s alive, it’s alive, it’s alive, IT’S ALIVE!” 

MI: A magical moment.

HF: You would think so. But then I just got depressed. I had forgotten to charge up my iPhone so there was no documentation of the moment. I had no way of proving that I had reanimated this creature.

MI: Just an iPhone?  Didn’t you buy any other cameras? Television equipment?

HF: [Pause] I spent money budgeted towards that on hair gel.

Hair gel!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 I know. Probably foolish but I like looking stylish. All the ladies are crazy about a sharp-dressed hair gelled up man.

MI:  Tough break. What’s next for you?

HF: I want a real challenge. I’m going to use my skills to create a working socialist system.

MI: Socialism has failed everywhere it’s been tried.

HF: That’s because the right people haven’t been in charge. I feel that with my technical skills I can truly create the world’s first fully functioning and successful socialist system.

MI: And how will you achieve that?

HF: I’ll have government control the means of production and tax the rich. I’m sure it’ll work.

MI:  I see.

HF: And I’ll buy lots of cameras this time to document it.  I might have to switch from an oil-based hair gel to an alcohol-based hair gel to afford those cameras but it’ll be worth it.

MI: Well that’s about all the time we have.

HF: Oh if you see Igor tell him to get his undocumented ass back in here or I’ll have Immigration and Customs Enforcement pick up his family.

Let this be a lesson to all my readers:  Forgo hair gel. You won’t be sorry.

(83)

I have a non-binary penis

Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I have the pleasure of interviewing the most fascinating woman in America, a role model for young girls everywhere. I am of course referring to Chelsea Manning.

MI: Good afternoon Chelsea. I am very excited that you have agreed to be interviewed by me. Your story is a courageous one.

CM: Why thank you. That’s so sweet.

MI: So for our readers unfamiliar with your story you were born Bradley Manning –

CM: I refuse to acknowledge my former patriarchal slave name.

MI: Yes, of course. I apologize. I should have been more sensitive.

CM: Thank you.

MI: Now to make a long story short,  you gave documents to Wikileaks, served time in an Army prison, began hormone therapy and now you are Chelsea Manning. Why did you take the name Chelsea?

CM:I ‘ve always admired Chelsea Clinton. And Caitlyn was already taken.

MI: How does it feel to be a woman?

CM: It feels like freedom. Now I can finally experience all the things women experience.

MI: Such as?

CM: Wearing makeup, going to the ladies room, having men inside me.

MI: Um.

CM: And without having to go through periods or cramping or staining my panties with menstrual blood.

MI: Rosa Parks had nothing on you.

CM: While I admire her accomplishment she was binary and was born with a vagina. And since when has having a vagina had anything to do with being a woman?

MI: Absolutely nothing. Gender is a fluid thing. Scientists are discovering more genders every day.

CM: God bless science!

MI: Science!

CM: Science! 

MI: She blinded me……

CM: With science!

MI: Good heavens Miss Sakamoto you’re beautiful!

CM: Excuse me but gender designations such as Miss are binary and harmful.

MI: Sorry. So let me ask you a question. Do you still have your penis?

CM: For now but I’m looking forward to having it cut off and replaced by a vagina.

MI: Well technically they don’t cut it off. They slice it down the middle and fold it back upon itself to create an artificial vagina.

CM: Eww. That’s just gross. If I had known that I wouldn’t have sucked all that dick in prison.

MI: So what’s next for Chelsea Manning?  

CM:I  want to be an actress. I want to be the female, non-binary Brad Pitt for my generation.

MI:  I heard you were up for the role of Doctor Who.

CM: Yes. I was disappointed I didn’t get. it.  I felt the BBC’s choice was a step back for civil rights.

MI: But they chose a woman to play the role?

CM:  Yes. But a binary, cisgender woman who has a vagina. It’s important that we teach kids that you don’t have to have a vagina to be a woman. That’s more important than teaching them math.

MI: Math is hard. Speaking of hard will you miss having erections?

CM: Absolutely not. I am so looking forward to having a lubricated vagina. Except my artificial vagina will have no natural lubricants so I’ll have to lubricate it myself with over the counter stuff.

MI: Oh.

CM: It’s what all women go through to lubricate their surgically recreated vaginas. The struggle is real!

MI: I thank you for your time.

I’d like to thank Chelsea Manning, the most beautiful and courageous women in America, for allowing me to interview her.

(76)