Astromech droid R2-D2 has been upgraded.  Owners Bob and Shirley Davidson of Eureka, California hope that the new features will make him a more valuable “thermocapsulary dehousing assister.” “We bought him at a garage sale” said Mr. Davidson. I thought maybe we could use him a a paperweight or a floor polisher.  I even tried […]

Fresh off the success of it’s “Gay Whopper” promotion in San Francisco, Burger King has announced that it will be expanding its line of gay-themed food. “This is truly a historic day in the history of food” announced Daniel S. Schwartz, CEO of Burger King. As our test promotion in San Francisco has proved, people […]

Popular New York City plumber Mario is reportedly seeking to decertify his union. “My a union!  They a lie a to a me!” said Mario in his thick Italian accent. I spend-a my day in the sewers of New York City, jumping and a jumping and a jumping.  Signore Mario no young any more.  Jumping it […]

John Merrick, best known as the so-called “Elephant Man” was hired hired by the CNN cable network. “CNN is proud of its history of tolerance and inclusion” said CNN’s head of Human Resources. We hired blacks back in the 1980s, way before it became fashionable.  We have hired women like Erin Burnett. We have hired homosexuals […]

Captain Jean-Luc Picard, commander of the Starship Enterprise of the United Federation of Planets, concerned over what he believed to be “anomalies of some sort” ordered a ship-wide Level III diagnostic of all computer systems. Sources say that Picard, concerned that his Microsoft Outlook profile would not load and that some of his desktop items […]

Today at Manhattan Infidel it is my pleasure to interview Lucy Van Pelt, who will talk to me about her relationships with her brother Linus as well as Charlie Brown and Schroeder. MI: Good afternoon Miss Van Pelt. LVP: Miss?  Miss?  You start out this interview by insulting me with your sexist language? MI: Sorry, I didn’t mean […]

Clay Aiken, American Idol runner up, homosexual activist and cold blooded mass murderer has done it again.  Aiken who ran for congress from North Carolina’s 2nd congressional district against Keith Crisco, murdered his opponent today after Crisco refused to concede the election. Crisco, 71, was found dead in his home, the victim of an apparent […]

In a move that has united the world in outrage, progressive British rock band Procol Harum kidnapped over 200 schoolgirls in Nigeria and is threatening to sell them for 12 dollars each. “This is very disturbing” declared the United Nations’ Secretary General Ban Ki-moon. I have no idea why Procol Harum would do this.  I mean I […]

Marketing is the lifeblood, to paraphrase the bloodsucker Dracula.  At least I think it was Dracula.  It might have been Harry Reid.  Either way marketing is the lifeblood. McDonald’s recently introduced a complete makeover for their famous mascot, Ronald McDonald.  Gone is the baggy pantsuit and in its place a streamlined, newer, hipper Ronald McDonald. […]

Today at Manhattan Infidel I want to address a serious subject: Climate change.  And who better to discuss climate change with than an actor.  Because when one thinks of logic, reasoned discourse and rational debate one of course thinks of actors. I tried to interview Leonardo DiCaprio but he was busy doing non-global warming cocaine […]