Nigerian Schoolgirls Kidnapped by Procol Harum!

The bastards!

The bastards!

In a move that has united the world in outrage, progressive British rock band Procol Harum kidnapped over 200 schoolgirls in Nigeria and is threatening to sell them for 12 dollars each.

“This is very disturbing” declared the United Nations’ Secretary General Ban Ki-moon.

I have no idea why Procol Harum would do this.  I mean I know it’s been over 40 years since Whiter Shade of Pale but do they need the money that badly?  Whatever happened to their royalties?  They are still touring.  My wife and I attended one of their concerts last year.  After the show I met them and asked what their future plans were.  They talked a lot about rehab, Viagra, Flomax and hair plugs but nothing about kidnapping Nigerian schoolgirls.  I personally feel betrayed.

One of the Nigerian girls who was lucky enough to escape told reporters that “five old white guys showed up and told us not to worry.”

We thought they were maybe soldiers and that they would shoot us.  We were very frightened.  But one of them said, “Don’t worry girls.  We won’t harm you.  We are a progressive English rock band.  Then he started singing “We skipped the light fandango/turned cartwheels ‘cross the floor/I was feeling kind of seasick/but the crowd called out to kidnap some Nigerian Schoolgirls.”  Well I ran.  I ran very very fast. I prefer Kanye West anyway.  Maybe they should kidnap our grandparents?  I think they might like their music.

President Obama has called upon Procol Harum to release the schoolgirls.

I call upon this band to release these girls immediately.  Late ’60s and early ’70s progressive rock was the Rock of Peace.  If I may quote one of their best known songs:  “She said there was no reason/and the truth is plain to see/But I wandered through my playing cards/and would not let her be/One of sixteen vestal virgins/who were leaving for the coast/and although my eyes were open/they might just as well’ve been closed.”   Yes, Procol Harum, the truth is plain to see and the eyes of the world are open:  Release these girls!

As to why Procol Harum kidnapped the Nigerians there is speculation that perhaps they had run out of groupies.

“Who knows. Musicians are odd anyway” said a source at the UN.


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My producer has just informed me that it is in fact an Islamist group called Boko Haram, and not the progressive rock band Procol Harum that has kidnapped the schoolgirls.

Being in the news industry as I am I sadly must admit that mistakes like this sometimes do happen.  I apologize to the members of Procol Harum and look forward to seeing them on their next tour.


5 Responses

  1. petermc3 says:

    Ban Ki Moon, uncle of the late Keith Moon, and nephew of the late Sun MYung Moon, and the inspiration behind the late Henry Mancini’s Moon River has banned (no pun intended) all progressive British Rock bands from performing at BB King’s until the return of the Nigerian hostages and the 16 vestal virgins.

    • Manhattan Infidel says:

      That’s Henry Person-cini! Your heteronormative patriarchal language is offensive!

  2. I suspect that Procol Harum kidnapped their share of highschool girls over the years. That’s what rockers do, isn’t it? Someone should check their air ducts and their freezer.

  3. I for one am dismayed and disheartened by our Administration’s continued failure to track international terrorism down to its source. Procul Harum? Hillary Clinton?

    Follow the money.

    • Manhattan Infidel says:

      In the immor(t)al words of our erstwhile Secretary of State and future President: “What difference does it make?”

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