Eat safe. Take it with a wrapper.

Fresh off the success of it’s “Gay Whopper” promotion in San Francisco, Burger King has announced that it will be expanding its line of gay-themed food.

“This is truly a historic day in the history of food” announced Daniel S. Schwartz, CEO of Burger King.

As our test promotion in San Francisco has proved, people want more out of food than the mere biological component of eating and passing it later in the bathroom. People want food that has meaning.  When people eat they want to feel good about themselves.  Accordingly starting in September our entire menu will feature gay food.  Now there are those that say we will lose business because of this.  There are those who say that some people do not want to eat gay food.  Well I say then let them eat elsewhere.  They can go to McDonalds.  Their burgers are so heteronormative.

Schwartz then gave out copies of Burger King’s Gay Menu, which included the following items:

The Big Bear King Sandwich Meal

The new Big Bear King Sandwich features two savory fire-grilled beef patties, because sometimes you just want it rough, topped with melted sticky American cheese and crunchy penis-shaped pickles, all on a warm, hot, sexy, toasted sesame seed bun.  But absolutely no onions since we don’t understand onions and they make us cry, just like our mothers do.

The Double Gay Whopper Sandwich Meal

The new Double Gay Whopper Sandwich Meal is a pairing of two ¼ lb. savory fire-grilled tight firm beef patties topped with creamy mayonnaise that you can let dribble down your chin, on a soft smooth bubble sesame seed bun. But no tomatoes since that is a term used to describe women.  Served with a small side of piping hot, thick penis-shaped French Fries and a small fountain drink of your choice (as long as it Coke, since Pepsi is homophobic.)

The Triple Gay Whopper Sandwich Meal

Come on, admit it.  You’ve always wanted a threesome.  And at Burger King we make no judgments.  The more the merrier. Throw off the bourgeois expectations of a heteronormative meal.  The Triple Gay Whopper Sandwich Meal comes with everything that you like in the Double Gay Whopper Sandwich Meal, but with twice the pleasure.  So open that mouth wide and take in that creamy mayonnaise.  You know you want it, bitch.

The Tender Twink Chicken Sandwich Meal

The Tender Twink Chicken Sandwich Meal is for those manly men who want virgin white meat topped with tons of juicy, creamy mayonnaise. You know the Tender Twink is curious.  So grab its soft, yet firm white sesame seed bun and show it what real pleasure is. Help the Tender Twink Chicken Sandwich meal take a walk on the wild side.  (Note:  For legal reasons the Tender Twink Chicken Sandwich meal cannot be sold within 200 yards of a school.)

“And this is just the beginning” said Schwartz. “Our Burger King mascot has been let go and replaced by the leather-wearing mustache guy from the Village People.”

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