I am a victim of the patriarchy!

Today at Manhattan Infidel it is my pleasure to interview Lucy Van Pelt, who will talk to me about her relationships with her brother Linus as well as Charlie Brown and Schroeder.

MI: Good afternoon Miss Van Pelt.

LVP: Miss?  Miss?  You start out this interview by insulting me with your sexist language?

MI: Sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you.

LVP: I am Lucy Van Pelt.  I am a proud, independent woman and I don’t need you to insult me like this.

MI: Okay, okay!

LVP: I am woman hear me roar.  Or, at least I will be a woman once I develop some secondary sexual characteristics.  I’m only eight you know.

MI: Right.  Let’s talk about your brother Linus.

LVP: You mean my younger brother?  Isn’t that just like the patriarchy?  Typical of our male-dominated society that you interview me yet your first question is about a man.  Well, Linus will become a man in a few years once his testicles drop.

MI: Um –

LVP: Ask me about his stupid blanket.  Go ahead ask me.  It’s a substitute for a vagina. Typical of rape-crazed men.  And why can’t I have a blanket?  I want the comforting love of another vagina.  Why can’t I, a woman, enjoy the love of a vagina?  You know me and Peppermint Patty have begun experimenting after school.

MI: Okay, I don’t to hear that! Let’s talk about Charlie Brown.

LVP: Why can’t I kick the football?  Why does it always have to be Charlie Brown? Why?  Because he’s a man?  Does it make him feel like he’s a member of the patriarchal order?  I have athletic ability! My hairless vagina wants to kick that ball!

MI: You seem quite angry.

LVP: I am angry.  Don’t I have reason to be angry?  Haven’t you read any feminist literature?  We are at war with the patriarchy.  It’s no coincidence that penises are shaped like rockets.  They bring war and destruction.

MI: Can we change the subject? I’m not comfortable talking about penises with an eight-year old girl.  You know when my sister was eight she played with dolls.

LVP: Dolls?  Dolls?  Is that your patriarchal view of women?  We are only good for playing with dolls and being raped?

MI: No!  I just mean that – okay can we move on?  Let’s talk about your love interest Schroeder.

LVP:  My love interest?  My love interest?  What the hell is wrong with you?

MI: Um, perhaps I should be going.

LVP: My parents set us up.  Their generation are slaves to the patriarchal paradigm. I won’t let Schroeder touch me.  All heterosexual sex is rape!

MI: Oh Christ. Where the hell are we going with this?

LVP: PIY sex.  Penis in vagina!  Penetration.  It’s rape.  It’s insulting.  It’s patriarchal and it should be illegal.

MI: I’m just going to back away slowly.

LVP: I’d burn my bra in protest of the patriarchy but I don’t have breasts yet.  Isn’t that just like our patriarchal God to deny me breasts?

MI:  You’re only eight.  Your breasts will come with time.

LVP: Yeah, you’d like to see that wouldn’t you. You want to see my breasts?

MI: No!

LVP: This woman has no interest in slaking your sexual desire.  The only thing I desire is the warm, soft caress of Peppermint Patty.

MI:  I’m going now.

LVP: Down with the patriarchy! You will get no milk from my breasts.  No sucking at the teat for you.

MI:  I am out of here.  I’m going to go take a shower.

LVP: I’m not joining you.

MI: For Christ’s sake I’m not asking you to join – okay bye.

LVP:Pig!

Wow.  Kids.  They grow up so fast these days.

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