I don’t know…..it’s slow. I can’t give specifics. Just fix it. Make it so!

Captain Jean-Luc Picard, commander of the Starship Enterprise of the United Federation of Planets, concerned over what he believed to be “anomalies of some sort” ordered a ship-wide Level III diagnostic of all computer systems.

Sources say that Picard, concerned that his Microsoft Outlook profile would not load and that some of his desktop items were missing contacted Chief Engineer Geordi La Forge and ordered a diagnostic of all systems.

“Dammit Geordi, something’s wrong!” a panicked Picard said.

“So I remote into Picard’s desktop to take a look” explains La Forge.

First off, this isn’t even my job.  We have desktop support personnel for this but the bald bastard always calls me.  So I take a look and of course he’s logged into the wrong domain.  His computer is on the old Starfleet domain, which is being phased out by the new DisneySpaceFleet Domain.  It’s technical but after Disney bought Star Fleet they wanted to put all us on their domain.

After La Forge told Picard that he had to log out and log into the correct domain Picard told him he didn’t have time to do that.

So the old French bald-headed bastard tells me that he can’t do that. Really? You don’t have a minute to log out and log back in? No he says. “A starship captain’s life is filled with solemn duty. I have commanded men in battle. I have negotiated peace treaties between implacable enemies. I have represented the Federation in first contact with twenty-seven alien species.  I’m a busy man.  Fix the problem.”  Well how the hell am I going to fix the problem without his password, which he won’t give to me.

Annoyed that still couldn’t get his email or his background image of Sherlock Holmes, Picard then ordered a ship-wide level III diagnostic of all computer systems.

“There is something seriously wrong with this ship” said the captain when issuing the order.

A level III diagnostic would entail the Enterprise heading back to base for weeks of testing.

Convinced that this was not necessary, La Forge took the unprecedented step of raising his concerns with Star Fleet.

There’s nothing wrong!  All he has to do is log into Disney’s domain.  It’s simple!  But will he do that?  No.  He wants to take us out of commission.  It’ll be a vacation for him.  He’ll sit in a chair and read romance novels

I wonder how that level III diagnostic is coming along?

 while we crawl around the Jeffries Tubes.  There is no need for a diagnostic.  Do you know when a Level III diagnostic is necessary?  Every time I catch Commander Riker in engineering getting his freak on with an alien girl.

So you come here often?

 One time I found him with a lizard and I had to clean lizard fluid off the systems.  I needed a level III diagnostic for my stomach after that!

Despite La Forge’s complaint, the Level III diagnostic has been ordered.

“We at Disney value our new acquisition of Star Fleet”  read a memo released by Disney regarding the controversy.

We value the safety of our Star Fleet officers as much as we value the safety of Mickey, Pluto and Minnie.  Disney has a proud tradition of customer service.  While we are sensitive to engineer La Forge’s concerns we must allow the diagnostic to be performed.

Fearing that La Forge’s presence would demoralize the Enterprise, Disney has reassigned him to Buzz Lightyear’s Space Ranger Spin at Disney World.

“I’ll do it.  I’m a career officer and I follow orders” said La Forge.  “But If I see any bald-headed bastards I won’t let them on the ride!”

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