Captain America, hero to millions, has tested positive for anabolic steroid use and has been suspended by the supervisory body for superheroes, AADCSHSTA (the American Association of Disguised and/or Caped Superheros and/or Street Cleaners of America). “Americans need to know the process is not rigged” said the AADCSHSTA’s president. We favor free and open superheroes. Natural […]

Popular children’s personality Twilight Sparkle, one of the popular My Little Pony’s has been diagnosed with Grave’s Disease (not to be confused with Peter Graves’ Disease.) “Upon consultation with my doctor I have decided to take a leave of absence” said Twilight. I know this will disappoint my many fans. And let’s be honest, I […]

Snoopy has been let go by Met Life after three decades as its spokesman. “We’re looking to go in a new direction” said a representative for the insurance giant. We thank Snoopy for his decades of service to us and our customers. He has been a reliable and popular spokesman. This decision to part ways with […]

The Galactic Empire announced today a major overhaul of the Death Star, replacing its power source with a series of wind farms that will be housed on the exterior of the Star. “This is a great day for the environment of the Empire” declared the Galactic Empire’s leader, Emperor Sheev Palpatine. We must all work together to save our […]

Local resident Charlie Brown shocked the town today by announcing that he has married his teacher. “From the first moment she said “wa wa wa” to me I was in love” said the smitten ten-year old. It’s like we had our own private language. No one has ever understood me like her. She asked me […]

The Special Executive for Counter-Intelligence, Terrorism, Revenge and Extortion (Spectre) suffered a debilitating blow when their second in command, Emilio Largo, quit to form his own company. Sources say that Largo had been unhappy for some time with Spectre’s command structure and saw no hope of advancement. “He really felt that he should have been number […]

Auric Goldfinger, 42-year old expatriate from Riga Latvia, the richest man in England and treasurer of the Soviet counterintelligence agency SMERSH, expressed amazement and anger that the United States has abandoned the standard. “It just makes no sense” he told his operatives. To base your entire economy on a currency that is not backed in […]

Spock, first officer of the Starship Enterprise, and 3-D chess champion of Star Fleet, has addressed long-standing rumors about his success. “I cheat” said the highly-decorated Vulcan. I’ve been cheating since I started playing. Cheating is fascinating and flawlessly logical. The humans place great emphasis on winning. I realized pretty early on if I was going […]

In a vote that was closely watched throughout the galaxy, the planet Vulcan today executed its long-threatened “Fed-Exit” and left the United Federation of Planets. The vote was close but logical with 52.5 percent voting to leave the Federation, 46 voting to remain and 1.5 percent voting to experience a “never-ending” pon farr until their testicles explode. […]

In a cost-cutting measure, Star Fleet announced that James T. Kirk, Captain of the Starship Enterprise, will not receive any new uniforms to replace ones he damages while on duty. “He was going to bankrupt us” said the Quartermaster General. We are already taking a lot of heat from civilians about how much Star Fleet […]