Archeologists announced today that they have discovered a treasure trove of heretofore unknown cave paintings by ancient man. Previously discovered cave paintings contained images of wild animals such as bisons, horses or deer.  The newly discovered paintings however contained a new element that at first was not able to be identified.  After scientists compared the […]

Scientists traveling through remote stretches of the South American rain forest at first were delighted by their findings. In just one month they had cataloged almost 12,000 heretofore unknown species.  But then the dark side of their discoveries sunk in:  Most of the new species appeared to be racist. Foremost was a frog that would […]

The current dispute between Fox Network and Cablevision, which has lead to thousands of customers being stranded without their favorite shows and sporting events has turned out to be a boon for previously unknown channels. “Without Fox we realized we had to give our customers some new channels” said Cablevision CEO James Dolan.  “We care […]

As part of my continuing series that aims to provide useful information for my readers I now present your horoscope. ARIES – March 21 – April 20 The first sign of the Zodiac, Aries is ruled by Mars.  This means you are a cantankerous, grouchy, unpleasant son of a bitch no one likes, which is […]

The FDA has tentatively approved gene-altered salmon for consumption in the United States. “This is a great day for science” said an FDA official. “Not only do gene-altered fish grow twice as quickly as normal fish but they have other benefits as well.” Because gene-altered fish grow quicker than normal fish that means that more […]

The mother was frantic and rushed her child to the emergency room.  Her son has swallowed poison and needed to have his stomach pumped.  Ipecac was administered to no avail.  The child refused to vomit. “The kid must have a cast-iron stomach” said the attending physician in the ER.  “I’ve never seen anything like it.” […]

The Center for Post-Apocalyptic Studies has released a new study showing the range of fears most Americans feel about the coming collapse of civilization.  According to a spokesman for the Center: As can be expected, the majority of people surveyed were worried about survival, where they could find food and shelter.  But we also found […]

One by one, Chilean miners trapped underground for 68 days were brought to the surface as people throughout the world watched. Also on hand were the media who struggled to find meaning in the event as the miners were rescued. As the first miner Alfonso Avalos, 31, was rescued his father said “I am so […]

A 40-year old director, cinematographer and father attached a camera to a Thai-food takeout container and a weather balloon and successfully launched it 100,000 feet into the upper reaches of the atmosphere, sending back photos of the Earth’s curvature and the darkness of space. Dads throughout the world are not amused. “I was going to […]

As long expected, The New York Mets fired General Manager Omar Minaya and Manager Jerry Manuel. “The past two years have been very painful for the Mets, their fans and my liver” said owner Fred Wilpon as he reached for his bottle of Jack Daniels. Stating the all options are on the table and that […]