In Moving Ceremony on 9/11 Anniversary Mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr. (Stage Name Bill de Blasio) Dedicates Monument to Mohamed Atta!

A Patriot and lover of the glorious principles of socialism

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sixteen years after the 9/11 man-caused incident at the World Trade Center, New York’s compassionate and progressive mayor officiated at a ceremony in midtown at the former Columbus Circle.

In the moving two-part event the vestiges of white power and colonialism were removed as the statue of Columbus was torn off its pedestal and replaced by one of Mohamed Atta. The circle was then renamed “Mohamed Atta Circle.

“Sixteen years ago our smug, insular capitalist existence was destroyed and scales fell from our eyes” declared the much-admired mayor.

I remember where I was when I first heard about this this man-caused disaster. I was teaching a seminar on overthrowing the capitalist, Christian order when one of my students told me that a plane had flown into the World Trade Center. My first thought was “White Christian Republican men! Is there nothing they aren’t capable of?” Later when I found out that they hijackers were adherents of the religion of peace I concluded that this was a teachable moment. Not only was a cathedral of capitalism torn down but people would become curious about Islam and its many progressive tenets. For Islam is also the religion of socialism. Like socialism it is peaceful, redistributionist and moral. I wanted to get our daughter genitally mutilated but was prevented by laws currently in place. It was then that I vowed if I ever became mayor to promote the principles of Islam and to destroy the last vestiges of colonialism and capitalism.

As the crowd chanted “Death to cisgender colonial capitalism” the statue of the monster Christopher Columbus was taken down.

It was then placed in a box, carried to the Hudson River and dumped into the water, never to befoul the enraged, progressive citizens of New York City again.

Next came the unveiling of the statue of Mohamed Atta.

The crowd cheered and many wept. Some threw flowers at it. One woman produced a blade and genitally mutilated herself in honor of the brave martyr of The Prophet.

Attached to the statue was the inscription:

Mohamed Atta

Hero to all

Martyr and feminist

Capitalism is dead

You shall serve The Prophet!

Mayor Wilhelm Jr. then declared the circle to be renamed “Mohamed Atta Circle.”

“A new dawn has begun” declared the handsome, progressive, compassionate, brave and always on time mayor.

We are emerging from the darkness of our Constitution and Judeo-Christian values (which are nothing but a cover for cruel, unfettered capitalism) into the light of socialism and Islam. We are ushering in an era of peace and tranquility. Also by honoring Mohamed Atta we show the Jews that we are not afraid of them. We are friends of the prophet. We also ask Israel to return all occupied territory to its rightful owners. Allah bless you. Socialism bless you. Please disperse to your homes.

To honor The Prophet more fully Mayor Wilhelm Jr. then ordered the electrical grid shut down and all internal plumbing within City limits removed.  In the place of capitalistic flush toilets outhouses shall be put on every block.

“In time I want to see all New Yorkers throwing their urine and feces out windows. This will make Allah happy.”

(23)

ESPN Internal Memo Reveals List of Topics and Words Not to be Mentioned

Don’t say that word!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Following on the heels of ESPN’s controversial decision to removed broadcaster Robert Lee from a University of Virginia game because he shared the same name as a famous confederate general an internal memo from ESPN John Skipper has revealed a list of taboo subjects that announcers must not mention under penalty of suspension and/or firing.

As a service to my readers I, Manhattan Infidel, the most trusted name in not peeing in your sink™, now present said memo:

From the office of John Skipper, President, ESPN

Re:  Subjects not to talk about

Dear on-air employees of ESPN:

As you know we live in a divided country. Every day white supremicists, the alt-right and those who voted for Trump disagree with ESPN’s mission to provide social justice sports to our viewers. This is why Robert Lee (who has graciously agreed to change his name) was removed from a UV broadcast.

As productive as this was it is only the first step towards providing safe-space, non-judgmental, social justice sports coverage. Therefore the following topics must never be mentioned during an ESPN broadcast.

  • Final scores:  To tell our viewers that one team is winning while another is  losing puts ESPN in the camp of “ableism.” Final scores, indeed all scores must not be talked about. Instead mention that “both teams are playing with hustle and heart” or something similar.
  • Individual stats:  To display stats would penalize and stat-shame those who have lesser abilities. So instead of talking about a player’s ERA or batting average discuss his life story and his long struggle to overcome the white man’s oppression.  Note: If the athlete is white remain silent. (This is why ESPN does not televise hockey.)
  • The weather (at least when the weather is good):  When broadcasting a night baseball game in April and the temperature is hovering around freezing never discuss it. Unless you can find a way to tie the cold weather into global warming as it is well-known in scientific circles that global warming causes colder temperatures.
  • Sports:  I know that might sound counter-intuitive at a sports network but sports were created by men to fulfill their testosterone-laden desire to dominate others of less ableist nature. While contractually we have to broadcast these games please maintain the focus on social justice issues such as Black Lives Matter or Russian collusion in the 2016 presidential election instead of the action on the field. This is why viewers watch us.
  • SS Minnow: My last name is “Skipper.” Before working at ESPN I had a job giving tourists in Hawaii tours with my ship. I’m tired of having people ask me why I didn’t have radar on board my boat so I could tell bad weather was coming. It’s not my fault the tiny ship was tossed! Hey if it weren’t for my courage and fearlessness the Minnow would be lostThe Minnow would be lost!
  • Enlarged prostates:  I shall discuss this further in another memo. Right now I have to pee.
  • George Lazenby: It broke my heart when he left the role of James Bond. Do not mention him. Ever. If you do you shall be fired quicker than you can say “Curt Schilling.”

As always, ESPN remains committed to diversity, inclusion and free speech. As long as its free speech we agree with.

You know I don’t quite think they get this whole “sports” network think anymore.

(29)

My Exclusive Interview with Frankenberry

I am much more than a cereal mascot

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel (“The most trusted name in making shit up™”) I have the pleasure of interviewing famous cereal mascot Frankenberry.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Frankenberry

FB:  Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel. It’s a pleasure to be interviewed by you.

MI:  I don’t know. The last guy I interviewed was pretty cranky.  Then again he just had his balls crushed.

FB: Um.  

MI: Not by me. You’re safe.

FB: Frankenberry likes his balls uncrushed. Frankenberry has to please his many female fans.

MI: Right. Your female fans.

FB: What are you implying?

MI: Nothing. It’s just that the top of your face looks like an ass, you dress in pink and you wear Elton John-style glasses.

FB: I don’t want to talk about this subject. Let’s move along.

MI: Wow. Cranky. Are you sure your balls haven’t been crushed?

FB:  No. Now what did you want to talk to me about?

MI: You’re a world-famous cereal mascot.  What is your relationship like with the other two mascots, Count Chocula and BooBerry?

FB: It’s one of profound professional respect. We see each other on the convention circuits.

MI: Profound professional respect? 

FB: Yes.  Absolutely. With both of them.

MI: Really?

FB: Alright BooBerry’s a bitch.  The f*cking loser. But I’m cool with Count Chocula.

MI: Good to hear. Let’s talk about the pink poo controversy. You sometimes turn the poop of kids who eat your cereal pink.

FB: We’ve addressed that and it has been fixed. Besides the kids didn’t mind. They thought it was funny. It’s the parents who freaked. Parents are always freaking. Sometimes they can be bigger bitches than BooBerry.

[BooBerry enters]

BB: I heard that! I’m telling Count Chocula!

[BooBerry leaves]

FB: Like I said, a real bitch.

[Frankenberry notices a statue behind Manhattan Infidel]

FB: What’s that?

MI: Oh that? That’s an award I won for being the most trusted name in Only Slightly Less Implausible Shit Than the MSM Features Every Night™.  

FB: May I?

MI:  Sure.  Just be careful the statue is heavy.

[Manhattan Infidel hands the statue to Frankenberry who proceeds to drop it on his balls]

FB: Oh god my balls. They’re crushed. My beautiful balls that I use to satisfy an exclusively female fan base.

MI: Yeah give it a rest.

FB: My balls! What am I going to do with my crushed balls?

MI: You’re in luck. That happened to the last guy I interviewed. We have to keep your balls elevated. Do you have a pulley?

FB: What? No.

MI:What about a lathe? Look around you. Are there any tools we can use to construct a rudimentary lathe?

FB: Don’t touch my balls!  I’m calling an ambulance!  My balls!  My balls! My kingdom for some uncrushed balls!

[Frankenberry runs out of the building]

MI: Oh there’s my lathe. Wait, come back! I have a lathe!

Frankenberry was very emotional.  You know I’m not sure it’s BooBerry who is the bitch.

(5)

My Exclusive Interview With the Dude Hit in the Balls With a Tear Gas Canister

Ow my balls!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today at Manhattan Infidel (“the most trusted name in satire™“) I have the pleasure of interviewing the dude who got hit right in the balls with a tear gas canister at an anti-Trump rally in Phoenix, Arizona.

MI: Good morning.  What should I call you?

DHBWTGC: My name is Joshua Stuart Cobin.

MI: That’s not colorful enough for my readers. I’ll just call you the Dude Hit in the Balls With a Tear Gas Canister.

DHBWTGC: If you must. The important thing is to get my story out.

MI:  Your story?

DHBWTGC: Yes I was fighting the oppression of my people,

MI: Your people are oppressed?

DHBWTGC: Yes. Trump is going to take away all our rights and oppress me.  My dad isn’t spending 40,000 a semester to send me to a private university just so Trump can fight equality! 

MI: Forty thousand a semester?

DHBWTGC: Artisanal, soy-based, grass fed, cruelty-free latte isn’t cheap you know.

MI: No I suppose it isn’t. But let’s get down to the question everyone wants to know:  How are your balls?

DHBWTGC: Um. They hurt. They hurt a lot.

MI: I imagine they must. You took quite the shot to your balls with that tear gas canister.

DHBWTGC: Yes.

MI: I mean you went down and crumbled onto the pavement like you were shot.

DHBWTGC: I was shot. In the balls. With a tear gas canister.

MI: What did the doctors say about your balls?

DHBWTGC: My balls are still pretty swollen. They’re about the size of grapefruits now. Doc says they will be swollen for a couple more weeks.They had to give me a few cortisone shots right in my nutsack. Very long needle. Went in one end of my nutsack and out the other. 

MI:That must have hurt.

DHBWTGC: It did. Not as much as being hit in the balls with a tear gas canister. But it still hurt.

MI: Did you see the tear gas canister before it hit you in your balls?

DHBWTGC: Obviously not or I would have covered up the old nutsack.

MI: Why didn’t you charge and attack the policeman who had fired the canister at you? Why did you fall down?

DHBWTGC:  Um, because I had just been hit in the balls.

MI: I see. What was going through your mind in the first moments after you were hit in the balls?

DHBWTGC: I was in shock mostly but I remember saying “Ow!”.  I said that a lot. That and “Oh my god I’ve been hit in the balls with a tear gas canister!”

MI: You lay there on the ground for a while. It looked like you tried to get up but couldn’t.

DHBWTGC: Well my balls had just been crushed so it was difficult to stand.

MI: And then someone wearing a Colin Kaepernick jersey came to your rescue and helped carry you off the street.

DHBWTGC: Yes. It was good to see Kaepernick not take knee for once. Though I support his right to shit all over the American flag. A flag of racism.

MI: What are your future plans?

DHBWTGC: For the most part I’ll be living at home with my mother and father. The doctor says I have to keep my balls elevated until the swelling goes down so I won’t be doing much walking around. My father built a contraption that keeps my balls elevated. I have to place them inside this pulley and – 

MI: Well that’s about all the time we have. 

And so ended my interview with the dude who was hit in the balls with a tear gas canister. And for my readers here are some photos of the dude being hit in the balls with a tear gas canister and a link to the best five internet memes about the dude who got hit in the balls with a tear gas canister.

My balls!

 

 

 

 

 

 

My balls!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kaepernick with the assist!

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Balls! My balls have just been crushed by a tear gas canister!

(135)

Hundreds of Thousands of Nerds Line Up to Watch Naturally Occurring Event!

Nerds love this shit!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yesterday in the United States a totally naturally-occurring total eclipse of the Sun caused nerds to come out of hiding and parade openly in the streets.

“I haven’t seen so many nerds since I was doing security at a Comic Con” said a guard working in the area of totality.

Normally I don’t like to see so many nerds in one location. There’s always the possibility of a stampede. Nerds have a collective mind and when one panics they all panic. And when nerds panic people get hurt. But so far they’ve all been peaceful. I’m still worried though. I won’t rest until the nerds have dispersed.

One nerd explained why he had traveled a thousand miles to see the solar eclipse.

“Normally I’d be at work but I lack the people skills to hold a job” he said.

I live in my mother’s basement. She’s very nice. When I heard there was going to be a total solar eclipse I packed the Wolverine suitcase I bought at a Comic Con and headed off to the area of totality. I don’t have a girlfriend and have never known the touch of a woman so this total solar eclipse is the closest thing I will ever have to a lover. It’ll be fun. My mother packed some ham and cheese sandwiches! I even have Total Eclipse of the Heart by Bonnie Tyler on my iPod. I will play it during the eclipse.

Neil degrasse Tyson, perhaps the greatest scientist who has ever lived, commented on the popularity of the eclipse.

“This has never happened before” said the world’s greatest genius.

The moon passing between the Sun and the Earth? What kind of sorcery is this? There are differing theories as to why this has happened but I think we can all agree that climate change is probably the correct explanation. People are gathering to appease their gods. They are frightened and are asking the god of climate change to stop the rising of the seas.

Many believe the total solar eclipse is Donald Trump’s fault and that he colluded with the Russians to bring it about.

“Is there no evil this man isn’t responsible for?” asked congresswoman Maxine Waters (D-CA).

First he and Putin are colluding to defeat Hillary Clinton. Next he and Putin are hiding the Sun. Sorcery!  Sorcery!  If this continues Guam will tip over into the Atlantic ocean.

From the White House where President Trump was watching the eclipse with his Jewish daughter (who is rumored to be stealing the Sun and arranging a total eclipse in the West Bank) the President displayed his ignorance and mendacity by calling the eclipse “a wonderful naturally-occurring event.”

After the eclipse was over the hundreds of thousands of nerds who watched the eclipse dispersed to their mother’s basements.

“I haven’t been so excited since David Hasselhoff sent me an autographed picture of him and Kit” said one nerd.

The next total solar eclipse in North America occurs on April 8th, 2024.

Unless Donald Trump and Putin stop it.

(8)

Manhattan Infidel Plays Hookie

So you come here often?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What’s that you say Manhattan Infidel? You’re playing with hookers?  Again?

No. Not hookers. Hookie!

I had intended to write about the Yankee game I went to on Tuesday but I’m tired. It’s late at night and the hookers I’m playing with want their money.  I mean I’m playing hookie.

So no new post today.  Tomorrow I will be back on my regularly scheduled new post schedule.

Hookie you see. I”m playing hookie.

I just hope she takes credit cards.

Hookie!

 

Manhattan Infidel

(1)

Soon to be Muslim Majority Nation Announces Line of Succession!

Prince William will succeed me as he stands a better chance of not being killed by the Religion of Peace™

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When I walk around New York City I am often stopped by people who ask me if I think de Blasio is as big an asshole as they do if I am as worried as they are about the British line of succession. Well worry no more. Queen Elizabeth has formally announced that William and Kate shall become King and Queen, bypassing her son Prince Charles (pictured here).

Prince Charles is not happy about being passed over

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“The Queen felt that William and Kate had the star power necessary to save the Monarchy” said a source close to the Queen.

The Queen realizes that the House of Windsor no longer has the respect that it once had. She blames Prince Charles for this. With his divorce from Lady Diana and then his cavorting with Camilla he has proven unfit to wear the crown.

However many feel that the Queen chose William and Kate for a different reason.

“She realizes that England shall soon be a Muslim nation and sharia law will be the law of the land” said a top official in the British government.

She feels that Prince Charles is too old and makes an easy target for someone driving a car on the sidewalk.  William and Kate are younger, more athletic and faster. My god have you seen Kate’s calf muscles? Those two will be able to react in time and dive out of of the way should a member of the Religion of Peace™ find themselves driving into a crowd of pedestrians. Naturally this is not a reflection upon Islam. We have many Muslims in this country and some of them do not kill us. 

Still others feel that Prince Charles was passed over because of “aesthetic differences.

“It is well known in Buckingham Palace that the Queen loves Guns and Roses” said a Palace insider.

She has a poster of Axl Rose over her bed and thinks he is quite sexy. Prince Charles on the other hand prefers Madonna. I remember one time during dinner Charles said “Mummy would you like to do the Vogue with me?”  The Queen just put her head in her hands and waited for him to leave the dinner table. When he finally did she turned to me and said “I can have him killed you know.” I persuaded her not to as that would cause a constitutional crisis.

The announcement of the line of succession has caused a rift between Prince Charles and his mother with reports of tension in the Palace. Indeed Prince Charles has rarely been seen in public.

“Prince Charles is naturally disappointed but still loves his mother” said an aide to the Prince.

But being English he can’t show that his pride is hurt. Stiff upper lip and all that you know. So he is going to work off his frustration the only way we know how: He is going to lead an expeditionary force to invade Ireland and take it for the Crown.

“If I can do to Ireland what Cromwell did to it maybe mummy will love me again” said the bypassed Prince.

(11)

The Pussy Brigade: The Untold Story of the Allies Greatest World War II Defeat!

The Pussy Brigade before their untimely slaughter!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

With the release of the distressingly man-based and patriarchal film “Dunkirk” attention has focused once again on the Second World War. With this in mind I now present for my readers the story of The Pussy Brigade™, a gamble that turned into a disaster for the allies.

Note: Events may not have transpired as depicted. I have changed the facts where necessary for dramatic effect.

The Genesis of the Plan

With 1942 turning into 1943 no end was in sight to a bloody war that threatened to drag on forever. Roosevelt and Churchill, both conflicted about their toxic masculinity, held an emergency strategy session in the White House.

Roosevelt: What are we going to do Winston?  Thousands of our young men are dying and I feel very conflicted about this. Was this war necessary?  What is it about men that we love fighting so much?

Churchill: I was thinking the same thing. I thought giving up whiskey and cigars and switching to a vegan diet with lots of kale would fill me with peaceful feelings. But I still want to win this war. I still want to bomb my fellow men and womyn.

Roosevelt: My gender fluid, non-binary wife Eleanor says we suffer from toxic masculinity and we should learn from women and become more like them.

Churchill: That’s it!  We will win this war with woman. A brigade of women!

Roosevelt: A pussy brigade?

Churchill: Exactly!  And we’ll have them wear pink hats and vulva costumes!

Roosevelt: I feel with their moral authority we can bring this war to an end.

The Brigade

And so the call went out for women between the ages of 18 and 25 who were filled with estrogen-filled moral authority. Trained in secret locations in America they were transported to England at the start of 1944 to meet their commander, General George S. Patton. Asked by Roosevelt if the brigade was battle ready Patton told the President, “Battle ready?  I don’t know about that. But what they lack in battle readiness they make up for with enthusiasm and the gentle love that only estrogen can bring. I myself am so inspired by them I am thinking of having my penis sliced down the middle and folded back upon itself to create an artificial vagina.”

The Battle

June 6th, 1944, Pussy Hat Day.

German troops awoke to the sight of hundreds of thousands of pussy hat-wearing women on the beaches of Normandy. Confused machine gunners looked to their commanders for advice.

“What are we to do? Those thousands upon thousands of pussy hats fill me with feelings of guilt and remorse over my warlike tendencies?

However their socialist, yet cold-hearted officers, could only rely upon their male mindset and ordered the brigade cut down.  The beaches ran red with the morally superior blood of the pussy hat brigade.

Soon the battle was over. The Germans had won. Or had they?

Shamed by the moral authority of estrogen the German commander at Normandy committed suicide.

Inspired by the moral authority of the Pussy Brigade Patton made plans to slice his penis down the middle, fold it back upon itself and create an artificial vagina when he was killed in a patriarchal car crash.

Encouraged by his gender fluid, non-binary wife, Franklin Roosevelt took to wearing women’s clothing.

Winston Churchill died tragically in a kale factory explosion but not before calling the Pussy Brigade “The beginning of the end of this war.”

 

This program on the Pussy Brigade has been brought to you by Proctor and Gamble who encourage you to talk to your children about entrenched white racism and police brutality.

(38)

Manhattan Infidel Becomes a Children’s Book Author!

So easy Manhattan Infidel™ can do it!

 

 

 

 

 

Here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ we are always challenging ourselves thinking of ways to make a cheap buck. Prostitution?  Too much pressure to perform. Building a narrative that Trump colluded with the Russians to hack the election?  No one would be stupid enough to believe it.

Then it hit me:  Children’s books! It’s easy money and anyone can write crap that allegedly teaches children life’s little lessons.

So now I present a few potential children’s books that I have started work on:

  • God Loves Everybody. Except You. You Suck

Sometimes children have to learn harsh lessons about life. Why learn it from strangers. Read this book to your kids. Know that the crying you hear behind their closed door at night is just the tears of realistic expectations.

  • Let ‘Er Rip:  The Table Saw is Your Friend!

Kids love to build things. Why shouldn’t they be curious about those sharp blades? Safety? Safety is for losers. Just stick your arm in and saw away!

  • All Cats Go to Hell!

Seriously. They do. Their soul was not made in the image and likeness of God. Once your cat dies he’s burning, man.

  • Dogs Go to Hell, Too!

Fido may be your best friend but have you seen how many times he licks himself? That’s sinful. He’ll have to pay for his autoerotic behavior. And since he’s a dog he can’t go to confession so his fate is sealed.

  • While We’re on the Subject Your Hamster is Also Going to Hell!

Why? It’s a f*cking hamster kid. God doesn’t want anything that’s been in Richard Gere’s ass.

  • Nor Will Your Father Escape the Flames of Hell!

Seriously kid. Have you seen his internet history? I mean making “Big Breasted Asian Girls” his home page alone is grounds for eternal damnation. Not that there’s anything wrong with Big Breasted Asian Girls, mind you. But resist!

  • Things Rich Kids Have That You Never Will

Just remember when you’re trying to pay off that 100,000 dollar student loan: Socialism is a compassionate system that allows us to make economic progress.

  • Making Grown Up Friends on the Internet

What could possibly go wrong. You’re going to see a penis eventually so why not now?

  • Curious George and the High Voltage Fence!

Electricity does miraculous things like light our homes and power our computers. It will also fry your ass if you’re not careful. Now doesn’t the freshly cooked Curious George smell delicious? Sure he does. Take him home and eat him. Just wait until they turn off the power first.

  • Mommy Wears Negligees and Says She Likes the Fed Ex’s Man’s “Package”

Since your Dad ran off with his boyfriend your mother has been very lonely. Cut her some slack you brat.

I believe all these books will be best sellers and they will fundamentally transform children’s literature. I smell a Pulitzer. No wait. That’s just Curious George.

(4)

Locals Cannot Understand What Wine Drinking Bullfrog is Saying!

Hey, want some of my mighty fine wine?

Local wine-drinking bullfrog Jeremiah has raised the ire of residents and police who are concerned that his drinking is getting out of control.

“Don’t get me wrong” said the Chief of Police.

We all like Jeremiah. He’s a good friend of mine. And on occasion I have helped him drink his wine. But lately it seems he’s drunk all the time. And when he’s drunk he slurs his words so I can never understand a word he says. It’s my job to keep order in town. I turn a blind eye to the occasional drunk in public. People will drink after all. But alcoholics? They just aren’t dependable. And Jeremiah is a bullfrog. I’m concerned he might get violent.

Heeding police concerns the Town Council passed the “Anti-Bullfrog Act” prohibiting Jeremiah from entering town.

“This is the last resort” said council member.

Jeremiah is a nice guy for a bullfrog. So before the Act was passed we all went to visit him and express our concerns. We sat around drinking his wine, he always has some mighty fine wine, hoping he could explain himself. Instead he started rambling on and on. None of use could understand a single word he said. I think he was speaking in tongues. Frankly that concerns us. We’re a pretty tolerant town. Live and let live you know. But we don’t need a wine-drinking bullfrog with a messiah complex upsetting the locals. Especially the young, female locals. You know how easily women are brought under the spell of a strong, charismatic male.

Indeed after word spread that Jeremiah was speaking in tongues many of the towns younger citizens sought him out.

At first we thought they were just sneaking out to drink his mighty fine wine. But when we investigated we found that the kids were all in a trance. Some were lying on their backs. Some were dancing around. Some were chanting. And in the middle of it all sat Jeremiah looking like Buddha and speaking words no one could understand. I haven’t seen anything so disturbing since Woodstock.

It wasn’t long before parents came out to grab their kids and take them home. Sometimes there was violence.

“My daughter ain’t getting involved with no wine-drinking bullfrog prophet!” said one father.

I’m no cisgender activist but I draw the line at sex between bullfrogs and humans. This isn’t California, after all. I brought my shotgun and told Jeremiah to leave my daughter alone or I would shoot him. He said something to me as I grabbed my daughter. I couldn’t understand what he was saying but it couldn’t have been good. You know these religious fanatics.

Undeterred by local opposition, Jeremiah has announced that he is a prophet sent by God and is forming his own church called “The Temple of the Holy Bullfrog.”

“A prophet is not without honor, except in his home town” said Jeremiah.

“My message is one of joy. Joy to the world, all the boys and girls. Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea. Joy to you and me.”

(29)