Classic Russian disinformation designed to destabilize the United States!

The Central Intelligence Agency and 50 top security experts have weighed in on the controversial “resurrection” of Jesus.

“If we are right, this is Russia trying to influence what Americans do on Sunday, and we believe strongly that Americans need to be aware of this” said one intelligence expert.

That Joe Biden got 81 million votes? Now that’s totally believable. But Jesus rising from the dead?  That’s only happened once before and Keith Richards isn’t telling how he did it.  Though I suspect it was blood doping.

Former CIA Director John Brennan was among those who claim the resurrection is disinformation.

“Do we need more evidence that Trump is colluding with the Russians?” he said.

To rise from the dead is simply impossible.  No intelligent person would believe it.  But then again Trump’s supporters are stupid and gullible. Do we really have to tell people this is false? This is clearly a Russian disinformation campaign.  I have it on good authority that the FBI has confirmed this.  I have also spoken with Keith Richards who told me his rising from the dead was a one-time thing and no one else can do it until he gives them his blood doping recipe.

James Clapper, former Director of National Intelligence seconded Brennan.

This was a bald-faced attempt to influence the 2022 midterm elections. If people believed that Jesus had risen from the dead they might vote for the Republican party, which is made up largely of Christians.  Fortunately there are experts such as myself who were ready to disavow the resurrection.  If it weren’t for us the Republicans would have done much better in the midterms.  And they are a threat to our Democracy.

A reporter who tracked down Jesus in Jerusalem came back frustrated.

I asked him about the purported resurrection event and he didn’t deny it or say it was true one way or the other.  He just told me to wait for the gift from the father and ascended into the clouds. I’ve only seen that happen once before when I was interviewing Keith Richards.  They say blood doping works miracles.

From London, where he is working on the new Rolling Stones album, Keith Richards had this to say:

Who is this Jesus fellow? I’ve never seen his name on the charts. Is he a bass player? How dare he steal my act! 

Jesus has released a written statement hiding behind legalese, claiming that “only those with faith” will believe in the resurrection.

“His lawyers are obviously trying to avoid a breach of promise lawsuit” said one security expert.

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