What will our nation do without black people in commercials?

Fresh off the scandal of his misplaced classified documents, the Biden Administration entered crisis mode as it was revealed that America has run out of black people to star in commercials.

With every black person in the United States currently in a commercial advertisers have begun having difficulty finding more blacks to hawk their products.

“Look we could put white people in the commercials but who trusts whitey” said one white ad executive.

I certainly don’t.  And I’m of Swedish descent. So I’m about as white as they come.  In fact Edgar Winter (pictured here) 

White people! Am I right or am I right?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

once told me I was too white. But anyway we’ve found that Americans will not buy products unless our commercials feature black people spouting the natural wisdom all blacks have. Oh sure, I suppose we could try Hispanics but it just isn’t the same. We did test out some Polynesians but they insisted on being paid so we sent them back home.

President Biden has asked other countries to send their black people to the United States but so far has been rebuffed.

England said that they would like to send the U.S. some blacks but that they needed them for their soccer teams.

France’s official position is that there are no blacks in France but if there were they are afraid to approach them as they all have machetes and are trying to chop people up.

Ireland has also refused to send blacks to the United States.

“Unlike the United States, which is systemically racist, Ireland is a progressive country that cherishes their blacks. Both of them” said the suspiciously white President of Ireland Michael D. Higgins (pictured here).

Suspiciously white!

Canada has said that it is sympathetic to America’s plight and wishes it could send them blacks but that they are currently rounding them up to give COVID shots to them against their will.  However if things got really desperate they are willing to send Prime Minister Justin Trudeau.

Canada’s most beloved black person

Currently no African countries have been asked to send their citizens to the United States.

“That’s a no brainer” said another ad executive.  “We need blacks, not Africans.  Totally different thing.”

President Biden held a press conference today to address the crisis.

“Look, we are trying to find black people.” said the President.

My administration will leave no stone unturned in our search for blacks. And here to reassure Americans that we are doing all we can is my friend and ally, South Carolina congressman James Clyburn. 

Very black but not good looking enough for commercials

“I am a black man!” said the congressman.

“And who can argue with wisdom like that” responded Biden.

Under pressure from advertisers President Biden is considering activating the never before used Strategic Negro Reserve (“SNR“) which was created by President Roosevelt in the 1930s at the behest of the railroad companies.

President Biden closed the press conference by stating that he will address Congress next week about the crisis and will seek their approval to open the SNR.

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