This man is no longer able to leap tall buildings in a single bound

For years Superman has dubbed himself as the man “who can leap tall buildings in a single bound.” However that may be in danger after an embarrassing incident in New York City over the weekend that left him dangling from One World Trade Center’s antenna.

“We got a call saying someone was stuck on the antenna” said FDNY Commissioner Daniel Nigro.

At first we thought it was a maintenance worker but after we turned off the power and scaled the antenna we realized it was Superman. The antenna has ripped his tights and he was dangling by his, how shall I put it, underwear. We all had a good laugh. Well, Superman didn’t.  He was pissed.

The flying superhero from planet Krypton also appeared to be quite intoxicated.

Once we got a look at his blood shot eyes, and slurred speech there was no doubt. And his breath smelled like whiskey.  So we handed him over to our friends in the NYPD, who as you know have no love for vigilantes.  They booked him for flying while intoxicated.

Detectives were assigned to interrogate Superman and find out why he got stuck on the Freedom Tower in the first place.

“He was belligerent when we took him into the precinct” said the detective in charge of the case. “He kept mentioning a woman’s name.”

After questioning Superman for a couple hours the police discovered that he had attempted to fly over the Freedom Tower on a dare.

He was trying to impress this woman he met in a bar. I guess he was smooth talking her.  You know, “I’m the Man of Steel. Wink Wink.”  He then asked her if she’d like to see some photos of his penis that he had on his iPhone. When she declined he then asked her if she’d be impressed if he could leap the Freedom Tower in a single bound.  That’s when he got stuck on the tower.  I don’t have to tell you that he should never have attempted it sober much less drunk.

After interrogation Superman was placed in a holding cell to sleep it off.  During his confinement he was responsible for over $10,000 in damages to the precinct.

As we all know alcohol is a diuretic. With Superman’s urine coming out at speeds of up to 100 miles per hour he knocked a few toilets off the ground and destroyed the plumbing. We had a damn flood as water was shooting up everywhere. You know I guess we wouldn’t be as mad if he apologized.  All he did before passing out again was point to his penis and say, “It’s powerful. My pride and joy.”

The next morning a sobered up Superman paid his fine and was given a ticket to appear in court in three weeks to answer the charges of flying while intoxicated and destruction of public property.

“I just want to get back to doing what I do best. Fighting crime” he told reporters on the steps of the precinct.

He then asked a female reporter if she wanted to see some pictures of his penis that he had on his iPhone.

“Women will always be my kryptonite” he told her just before being maced.

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Yes I like hanging out on rooftops. What of it?

Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the pleasure of interviewing well-known crime fighter Batman.

MI: Good afternoon Batman or may I call you Bruce?

BM: No you may not call me that.  I am Batman.  I have a secret identity.  I know of Mr. Wayne but I am not him.

MI: Okay we’ll play your game.  So Bruce, I’m sorry, Batman, what do you like to do when you’re not fighting crime?

BM: I like to do the things many common citizens of Gotham like to do.  I drive my specially adapted million dollar car, I hang upside down, I stand on rooftops looking down on the city.

MI: You stand on rooftops?

BM: Yes. Well,  I used to. I was told to stop doing that.

MI: Why?

BM: Landlords.  Freaking landlords.  They complained that by me hanging out on their rooftops their insurance would rise.  “There’s a reason the roof is locked” they kept telling me.  Like that’s my problem.  Hey, I’m the Dark F*cking Knight.  It’s what I do.  I stand on rooftops and brood.

MI: Was it just the landlords? Wasn’t there an incident last year?

BM: Yeah.  Lady saw me on the roof and reported to police that a “pervert in a cape across the street” was watching her. A police helicopter came and the SWAT team fired at me! It’s a lucky thing I had my Bat Utility Belt on me.  I was able to rappel down the side of the building and escape into a cab.

MI: Why didn’t you take the Batmobile?

BM:  It was in the shop.  Leaking transmission fluid. And after that it was confiscated.  They said I was driving without insurance.

MI: Was this true?

BM: Technically yes.  Do you know how expensive it is to get insurance when you tell them you’re using your vehicle to chase criminals through the city at high speeds while being shot at? I had to cut expenses so I made a command decision to forego insurance.

MI: So how do you get around Gotham now?

BM: Subway. It’s not glamorous but it’s quick and cheap.  

MI: Let’s move on and talk about the Bat Cave.

BM: I don’t use that anymore. I’m subletting space from Superman.

MI: Really?  Why?

BM:  Robin has the Bat Cave now. We had a disagreement about what “sliding down the Bat Pole” meant. It got awkward.  I mean really awkward. So we parted ways. I didn’t need the drama so I let him have the Cave.

MI: How’s it working out subletting from Superman?

BM: It’s humiliating. I hate that fancy ass punk.  Always telling me how he has superpowers but I have none. And he keeps throwing Lois Lane in my face.  Sends me pictures of her and writes, “Look what I’m getting and you’re not!” Sometimes I want to challenge him to a fist fight.

MI: Why don’t you.  You look like you’re in good shape.  You could probably take him out. I mean you have six pack abs.

BM: Oh those.  Between you and me it’s the vest.  My chest isn’t ripped like that. I’m actually stocky. About 30 pounds overweight. I’m thinking of retiring from crime fighting.  It’s for younger men.  I have arteriosclerosis and lose my breath easily.

MI: Well that’s about all the time I have –

BM: Do you have any donuts?

MI: No.

BM: Want to come back to my place?

MI: No.

BM: Okay well, I ‘ll just run along then.  I have villains to fight.  Phew I’m feeling a little dizzy.  Don’t mind me I’ll just sit down here.  Can you do me a favor?

MI: Sure. What?

BM: Can you reach into my Utility Belt and get my inhaler? This climate isn’t good for me.

[Manhattan Infidel gives Batman his inhaler]

BM: Thanks.

MI: You going to be okay?

BM: I’ll be fine.  I just have to sit here for a little while. Oh, and if you see Robin tell him I’m thinking about him.

And so ended my interview with the lonely and physically challenged crime fighter.

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Who needs ratings? It’s all about bragging rights

After severing all ties with Donald Trump over his comments about the undocumented immigrants crossing our southern border NBC announced today that after an extensive search for a host who would “promote the values of NBC” they have finally found their man.  Or woman. Depending on your point of view.

“We believe our new host will continue the popularity of the Apprentice” said Robert Greenblatt, the Chairman of NBC Entertainment.

Sure we had stratospheric ratings with Trump but after his racist comments we panicked and fired him. I mean we did the honorable thing and severed ties with him. So after that we had to consider a new host. Naturally we weren’t going to hire another white male. Not after Trump’s comments. So we started searching for an undocumented immigrant of color.  Just to prove Trump wrong.  But then we thought is it enough that this person is an undocumented person of color?  Why not a gay undocumented person of color? But then we thought would that be enough?  Why not a gay transsexual person of color? But then we thought why not a post op transsexual person of color?  Because gays are the new blacks and transsexuals are the new gays and post ops are the new pre ops. You see, it’s logic like this that has helped me make NBC the entertainment juggernaut that it is.

After an extensive search of the nightclubs of Los Angeles a gay post op undocumented transsexual was found whom executives at the network felt was a perfect fit for rebranding NBC as the “Network of progressive and fluid sex.”

It’s possible that the new host may not click with red state America.  It’s possible ratings will plunge and sponsors will want to pay us less to advertise. It’s possible profits will disappear.  As the chairman of NBC entertainment none of this interests me. I am not here to make money for the company.  I am here to ensure that NBC can flaunt its progressive credentials.

The final touch in finding a new host was to get one who was gluten intolerant.

Yes, it’s important that our new host was undocumented.  Yes, it’s important that our new host was a post op transsexual. But the fact that he, I’m sorry, I apologize for the patriarchal pronoun, that she is all these is not enough. Many Americans suffer from intolerance to gluten. So by finding a host who also suffered from this we were showing our solidarity with America.

After the new host was hired she was forced to eat cookies, a loaf of bread and a six pack of beer to test for gluten intolerance.

We watched her bloat and run to the bathroom with diarrhea.  Then we knew we had our woman.

Finally it was time to introduce the new host.  Not speaking English an interpreter was on hand.

“I now present the new undocumented post op gay transsexual host of the Apprentice” declared Greenblatt. “With gluten intolerance to boot!”

The new host appeared alarmed and through her interpreter said this:

Post op?  No one said anything about post op?  I’m not chopping my penis off!  I’m a hustler. That’s how I make my money!

The new season of the Apprentice, sans Trump, will debut in October.

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This man is a rape denier who commits war on women!

Atticus Finch, controversial rape-denying lawyer in the town of Maycomb Alabama, has come under increasing fire from the National Organization of Woman for his defense of Tom Robinson and his denial that Mayella Ewell was ever raped.

“Rape is an epidemic in America” said NOW’s president, Terry O’Neill.

Every day on our college campuses, in the workplace, in nightclubs, in the homes of NFL stars, women are raped.  Brutally, savagely raped by men perpetuating the patriarchy. Atticus Finch defended a rapist.  Not only did he defend this rapist but he denied that the rape had actually happened. Denied it! He spat on the moral authority of young Mayella Ewell and raped her again with his defense. I call upon all women across our land to stand up to rape deniers like Atticus Finch and show him that there will be economic consequences for his actions.

Since the controversy first erupted over Finch’s defense tactics the local NOW chapter has picketed his office in Maycomb every day.  With chants of “Hey ho rape deniers have got to go” Finch has seen a precipitous drop in clients.

The controversial rape denier Finch for his part claims he was just doing his job.

Every man is entitled to a defense. Even the guilty. And Tom Robinson was not guilty. To begin with, this case should never have come to trial. The state did not produce one iota of medical evidence that the crime Tom Robinson is charged with ever took place. Now, there is circumstantial evidence to indicate that Mayella Ewell was beaten – savagely.  Something traumatic obviously happened to her. I have nothing but pity in my heart for the chief witness for the State. She is the victim of cruel poverty, ignorance and the Republican war on woman.  But my sympathy does not extend to imagining a crime and putting away an innocent man. I stand behind my defense of Tom Robinson and ask the National Organization of Women to respect the privacy of my family and I.

The rape victim, Mayella Ewell, a smart, attractive young women who wants to attend college and study feminist literature is demanding an apology from Mr. Finch.

I got somethin’ to say. And then I ain’t gonna say no more. He took advantage of me. An’ if you fine, fancy gentlemen ain’t gonna do nothin’ about it, then you’re just a bunch of lousy, yella, stinkin’ cowards, the – the whole bunch of ya, and your fancy airs don’t come to nothin’.  This is about class.  Finch and the patriarchy look down upon me.  Well I was raped!  Sure I don’t have evidence of it but I was raped nonetheless!  By Tom Robinson and his fraternity pals!

With the small town of Maycomb now the focus of national news many have asked Finch to leave town.

“We only have 8,000 residents” said the mayor.

But now the press has doubled the population. I keep having microphones shoved in my face asking me how many men in town are rapists. I’m not a rapist.  The majority of men in the town aren’t rapists. Does rape happen?  Yes, unfortunately. And until we change the laws that favor the patriarchy it will continue to happen. But I am not a rape denier. So please, Atticus.  Do us all a favor and leave town. Go far away. Let peace be restored.

Finch remains defiant and vows not to leave the only town he has ever called home.

This is my home. I am a defense lawyer. I defended a client. And the National Organization of Woman will not run me out of town.

NOW for its part promises more protests and disruptions until Finch is disbarred.

“There is no defense for rape” said O’Neill. “Real or imaginary.”

(205)

The possession of hammers by the public must be restricted!

Controversial superhero or super menace, depending on your point of view, Thor was arrested by police today and charged with possession of a hammer without a license.

The arrest follows public outcry over Thor’s use of his hammer in violent incidents that placed innocent lives in jeopardy.

“Sure Thor uses his hammer to fight evil but this is no excuse for wielding it in public” FBI director James Comey told reporters at the press conference announcing the arrest.

We at the FBI are frankly concerned that Thor and others of his ilk would discharge their so-called super weapons without authorization from the government. Now I know Thor has helped mankind and saved the Earth on many occasions. I speak for all Americans when I say I thank him for his bravery and sacrifice defeating The Radioactive Man, The Lava Man and the increasingly powerful Absorbing Man but that does not take away from the fact that weapons like these in the hands of civilians are dangerous.

Under the Licensing and Regulation of Superhero Superweapon Act of 2015 all superheroes must register with the Federal government. Said Comey:

We need superheroes. Everybody knows that. But an unregulated superhero with an unregulated weapon can lead to an increase in violence.  And really, why does a superhero need a superweapon? Can’t they just wait until a SWAT team shows up to take out the evil villains? After all the SWAT teams work for the government. They have training. And we are concerned that one day a superhero may go rogue.

After he was fingerprinted and processed Thor spoke to reporters.

I have done nothing wrong. I am a law-abiding citizen. That is why I am here today. The law says I have to register my weapon and that I have done.

Thor then addressed  his concerns over the process and how he felt humiliated.

After I registered my hammer I was told that I could not have it back until the paperwork was complete.  I also had to pay a 450 dollar fee to register.  Twice.  I don’t have to tell you that being a superhero is not a high paying gig.  So that hurt the old finances. I also have to come up with three references to testify to my moral character.  Me!  Thor! And then I had to tell them who I would give the hammer to in the event I died. So now I’m out 900 dollars.  I have no hammer. I have to try to get three people to write about my moral character and I have to buy a safe to store my hammer when I’m not using it.  A f*cking safe?  Doesn’t that defeat the purpose? I mean it’s not like the bad guys are calling ahead and saying “I will attack you in 40 minutes.”  A lot of the shit that happens happens without warning.  Am I supposed to tell them to wait in the living room while I unlock my safe? I swear the assholes who run the government are freaking crazy.

Director Comey addressed Thor’s concerns, admitting that while Thor may feel that registering a superweapon may not be necessary the safety of private citizens was his number one concern.  He then ordered to IRS to investigate Thor’s finances.

“He’s hiding something” he said.

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