All animals regardless of gender affiliation must be allowed onto the ark!

Noah, once hailed as the savior of humanity because of his home-built ark, has come under fire for his gender limiting policies.

The controversy first erupted when Noah posted signs stating that “all animals, male and female” will be welcome in his Ark.

“To limit who will live by an arbitrary gender designation is immoral” said a spokesman for the gender fluid animals.

This policy of Noah or Noe, however he wishes to spell his name, is reactionary, non-inclusive, judgmental and hurtful towards the many animals who self-identify as other genders. What about transsexual animals?  Yes, both pre- and post-op. What about those animals who have not chosen to identify as a specific gender? What about the gender fluid animals who identify as both? Noah needs to change this policy or face being shunned by polite, progressive society.

Noah for his part remains defiant in the face of the relentless criticism.

Look, I’m trying to save the animals.  Once the flood is over and the waters recede they will need to replenish themselves and procreate.  That’s what male and female animals do.  They are biologically complementary. It’s common sense. I feel sorry for the animals that have these psychological problems and are at war with their biology but it’s not my concern. Are you male?  Get in the ark.  Are you female?  Get in the ark. As for so-called gender fluidity. Do you have a penis? Then you’re a male. Get in the ark.  But as a male. Look. It’s started raining.  I had better get to work.

Despite Noah’s so-called “explanation” many in the animal gender-fluid community refuse to set foot on the ark until they can enter it as who they self-identify as.

Said one giraffe:

All my life I’ve felt different. Incomplete. I couldn’t figure it out. I thought I was alone.  Then I met other giraffes who felt the same way.  It was then that we realized that we were trapped in the wrong bodies. Our gender designation was not something we wanted. We were made this way by a cruel and capricious god. I decided to do something about it.  I started taking female giraffe hormones and went to counseling. I now completely identify as a female and will not enter the ark to be saved until I can enter under my own terms. And yes, I still have my giraffe penis but that’s normal. My counselors have told me to hold onto it for a year or two. And no I’m not gay.  I enjoy sex with female giraffes only now I’ll be doing it as a female giraffe. A female who temporarily still has her penis.

If Noah persists in his exclusionary policy he risks losing corporate sponsorship for his ark.

“We at Guinness take seriously our commitment to inclusiveness” said a spokesperson for the beer maker.

We supported Noah, or Noe, however he wants to spell his name, because we admired how he build his ark with local materials and because he limited his carbon footprint while building it. However if he is to exclude our gender fluid animal friends and deny them the identity they feel to be theirs we must withdraw our support.

Noah regrets losing the sponsorship of Guinness but vows to move ahead.

“They won’t be so full of high-minded principles when they are drowning.”

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