My Exclusive Interview with Batman

Yes I like  hanging out on rooftops.  What of it?

Yes I like hanging out on rooftops. What of it?

Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the pleasure of interviewing well-known crime fighter Batman.

MI: Good afternoon Batman or may I call you Bruce?

BM: No you may not call me that.  I am Batman.  I have a secret identity.  I know of Mr. Wayne but I am not him.

MI: Okay we’ll play your game.  So Bruce, I’m sorry, Batman, what do you like to do when you’re not fighting crime?

BM: I like to do the things many common citizens of Gotham like to do.  I drive my specially adapted million dollar car, I hang upside down, I stand on rooftops looking down on the city.

MI: You stand on rooftops?

BM: Yes. Well,  I used to. I was told to stop doing that.

MI: Why?

BM: Landlords.  Freaking landlords.  They complained that by me hanging out on their rooftops their insurance would rise.  “There’s a reason the roof is locked” they kept telling me.  Like that’s my problem.  Hey, I’m the Dark F*cking Knight.  It’s what I do.  I stand on rooftops and brood.

MI: Was it just the landlords? Wasn’t there an incident last year?

BM: Yeah.  Lady saw me on the roof and reported to police that a “pervert in a cape across the street” was watching her. A police helicopter came and the SWAT team fired at me! It’s a lucky thing I had my Bat Utility Belt on me.  I was able to rappel down the side of the building and escape into a cab.

MI: Why didn’t you take the Batmobile?

BM:  It was in the shop.  Leaking transmission fluid. And after that it was confiscated.  They said I was driving without insurance.

MI: Was this true?

BM: Technically yes.  Do you know how expensive it is to get insurance when you tell them you’re using your vehicle to chase criminals through the city at high speeds while being shot at? I had to cut expenses so I made a command decision to forego insurance.

MI: So how do you get around Gotham now?

BM: Subway. It’s not glamorous but it’s quick and cheap.  

MI: Let’s move on and talk about the Bat Cave.

BM: I don’t use that anymore. I’m subletting space from Superman.

MI: Really?  Why?

BM:  Robin has the Bat Cave now. We had a disagreement about what “sliding down the Bat Pole” meant. It got awkward.  I mean really awkward. So we parted ways. I didn’t need the drama so I let him have the Cave.

MI: How’s it working out subletting from Superman?

BM: It’s humiliating. I hate that fancy ass punk.  Always telling me how he has superpowers but I have none. And he keeps throwing Lois Lane in my face.  Sends me pictures of her and writes, “Look what I’m getting and you’re not!” Sometimes I want to challenge him to a fist fight.

MI: Why don’t you.  You look like you’re in good shape.  You could probably take him out. I mean you have six pack abs.

BM: Oh those.  Between you and me it’s the vest.  My chest isn’t ripped like that. I’m actually stocky. About 30 pounds overweight. I’m thinking of retiring from crime fighting.  It’s for younger men.  I have arteriosclerosis and lose my breath easily.

MI: Well that’s about all the time I have –

BM: Do you have any donuts?

MI: No.

BM: Want to come back to my place?

MI: No.

BM: Okay well, I ‘ll just run along then.  I have villains to fight.  Phew I’m feeling a little dizzy.  Don’t mind me I’ll just sit down here.  Can you do me a favor?

MI: Sure. What?

BM: Can you reach into my Utility Belt and get my inhaler? This climate isn’t good for me.

[Manhattan Infidel gives Batman his inhaler]

BM: Thanks.

MI: You going to be okay?

BM: I’ll be fine.  I just have to sit here for a little while. Oh, and if you see Robin tell him I’m thinking about him.

And so ended my interview with the lonely and physically challenged crime fighter.


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