President Snuggles is not good at diplomacy

The United States is on high alert today after President Snuggles, the countries first Democratically elected canine president, insulted the Russian president by licking his balls during a private meeting at the White House.

After the Equality of Species Act of 2019 was passed, canines and felines were given citizenship and the right to vote. In the 2024 election Snuggles, a six year old golden retriever beat out Scott Walker in a close race marred by allegations of “speciesism” on Walker’s part when he called Snuggles “mentally incapable of performing the duties of the office of President.”  Snuggles responded by sniffing Walker’s crotch during a televised debate.

This act of defiance by the brave canine caused his poll numbers to jump and many say resulted in his election.

“American love in your face, or in this case, in your crotch defiance” said pollster.  “And Snuggles showed Walker that he will be no human’s bitch.”

Once elected Snuggles promised to increase the Pentagon’s budget.

“Our President is a fighter” said the Secretary of Defense.

If you don’t believe that he won’t back down just watch him as someone tries to take away his food dish. I once saw him bite a White House employee in the groin when he tried to do that. The employee is fine now. But a woman.  The doctors tried to reattach his testicles but unfortunately Snuggles didn’t give them back in time. But it worked out.  The employee now has the number one transsexual show on cable. Anyway, what was I saying?  Oh yes.  This President will fight for America!

Despite Snuggles popularity in the polls many are calling for his impeachment.

“This country is adrift” said the Republican senate minority leader.

This President has no policy.  No vision.  During my last meeting at the White House – I had gone there to discuss reducing spending – the President seemed intellectually out of his league. He just wagged his tail and tilted his head. Then he tried to hump my wife. Only I’m allowed to do that.  Sometimes.

The Director of the People for the Equality of all Species called the Republican Senator’s comments “hurtful and unhelpful.”

President Snuggles is a true leader.  His heart is in the right place.  Why when I visited the White House do you know what he did?  He jumped in my lap and licked my face! No politician has done that to me since Ted Kennedy.  And he was drunk. And I had pretty long hair at the time so he might have thought I was a woman. So don’t tell me the President isn’t a good doggie.  Don’t tell me he doesn’t have a plan for the future of America.  All he wants is a food dish in every house and for people to get along. Except for postmen.President Snuggles told me he wants to execute them. I think that’s a small price to pay for world peace!

The one thing holding back the cries for Snuggles impeachment is that the Vice President, Mr. Meowness, pictured here,

I give you peace in our time. What’s that? Is that the vacuum cleaner? Run!

would assume the duties of the President.

“No one has seen the Vice President in a week” said a Secret Service agent.

It all started when one of the cleaning ladies started vacuuming the White House carpets. Mr. Meowness jumped up and screeched loudly. Then he ran down the hall.  The White House is pretty big and has lots of nooks and crannies so no one knows where he might be hiding. We’ve put catnip in the halls and some cat food but so far nothing. I don’t know.  He might be in the front yard killing mice for all I know.

The NBC affiliate in Washington has received a communique from Vice President Mr. Meowness calling vacuum cleaners a “form of microagression” and calling on them to be banned.

“Until then I and my noble feline compatriots will remain in hiding” said the note.

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