Thor Arrested for Possession of a Hammer Without a License!

The possession of hammers by the public must be restricted!

The possession of hammers by the public must be restricted!

Controversial superhero or super menace, depending on your point of view, Thor was arrested by police today and charged with possession of a hammer without a license.

The arrest follows public outcry over Thor’s use of his hammer in violent incidents that placed innocent lives in jeopardy.

“Sure Thor uses his hammer to fight evil but this is no excuse for wielding it in public” FBI director James Comey told reporters at the press conference announcing the arrest.

We at the FBI are frankly concerned that Thor and others of his ilk would discharge their so-called super weapons without authorization from the government. Now I know Thor has helped mankind and saved the Earth on many occasions. I speak for all Americans when I say I thank him for his bravery and sacrifice defeating The Radioactive Man, The Lava Man and the increasingly powerful Absorbing Man but that does not take away from the fact that weapons like these in the hands of civilians are dangerous.

Under the Licensing and Regulation of Superhero Superweapon Act of 2015 all superheroes must register with the Federal government. Said Comey:

We need superheroes. Everybody knows that. But an unregulated superhero with an unregulated weapon can lead to an increase in violence.  And really, why does a superhero need a superweapon? Can’t they just wait until a SWAT team shows up to take out the evil villains? After all the SWAT teams work for the government. They have training. And we are concerned that one day a superhero may go rogue.

After he was fingerprinted and processed Thor spoke to reporters.

I have done nothing wrong. I am a law-abiding citizen. That is why I am here today. The law says I have to register my weapon and that I have done.

Thor then addressed  his concerns over the process and how he felt humiliated.

After I registered my hammer I was told that I could not have it back until the paperwork was complete.  I also had to pay a 450 dollar fee to register.  Twice.  I don’t have to tell you that being a superhero is not a high paying gig.  So that hurt the old finances. I also have to come up with three references to testify to my moral character.  Me!  Thor! And then I had to tell them who I would give the hammer to in the event I died. So now I’m out 900 dollars.  I have no hammer. I have to try to get three people to write about my moral character and I have to buy a safe to store my hammer when I’m not using it.  A f*cking safe?  Doesn’t that defeat the purpose? I mean it’s not like the bad guys are calling ahead and saying “I will attack you in 40 minutes.”  A lot of the shit that happens happens without warning.  Am I supposed to tell them to wait in the living room while I unlock my safe? I swear the assholes who run the government are freaking crazy.

Director Comey addressed Thor’s concerns, admitting that while Thor may feel that registering a superweapon may not be necessary the safety of private citizens was his number one concern.  He then ordered to IRS to investigate Thor’s finances.

“He’s hiding something” he said.


7 Responses

  1. petermc3 says:

    The Swedish ambassador in New York has filed a protest. Meanwhile drive by hammer attacks in Chicago, New York and L.A. are on the rise.

  2. I question the validity of this story. First, how could they put the Hammer in to Evidence? No one can lift it except Thor. Second, we all know that Hammers don’t fight evil – Thor’s fight evil.

  3. innominatus says:

    As long as it doesn’t interfere with Flash’s pron career, I’m OK with this policy.

  4. petermc3 says:

    I’m always game for something different..I’d like to try pron, where can I get some?

Leave a Reply

Using Gravatars in the comments - get your own and be recognized!

XHTML: These are some of the tags you can use: <a href=""> <b> <blockquote> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>