Donald Trump Sworn in as President

You are fired!

You are fired!

You know the great thing about living in a Democracy?  I don’t either.  Democracies suck. And that’s why we were lucky that our founding fathers gave us a Republic. You know what’s great about living in a republic? Tap beer.  Tap beer and grilled cheese sandwiches. Sometimes I roll around naked in grilled cheese until I orgasm.

I probably should take that last statement back. I can erase the internet, right?

Anyway it’s time for part VII (Roman numerals, like my silk underwear, make me feel classy) of my series 2017 Inaugural addresses.  Today it is Donald Trump’s turn.  Take it away Donald.

My fellow Americans.  Except for Megyn Kelly who is probably at this moment bleeding from all her orifices.  I mean, that’s just disgusting.  Sure’s she’s pretty but who wants to deal with the blood flow and those skanky tampons. She and Rosie O’Donnell.  Put them in a steel cage death match and let them bleed all over each other.  I’ll televise it.  It won’t be shown in America since the major networks have banned me from ever being on.  In fact this inauguration is only being seen by cable customers of Time Warner Latvia.  I welcome the Latvians.  The Estonians however are fired.

Our nation faces challenges. Illegal immigration is out of control. Short, stumpy Mexicans are crossing our border every day. I don’t want to live in Mexico. If I wanted to live in Mexico I’d move to Los Angeles or San Antonio.

So as your President my first task will be to stop short, stumpy Mexicans from crossing our border.  I personally will go to our southern border.  Whenever I see an illegal alien I will fire him.  Mr. illegal alien, you will not be my apprentice.

But enough talking. Americans don’t want talk. They want action. And tap beer and grilled cheese. Sometimes I like to roll around naked in grilled cheese until I orgasm. I’m not afraid to say that.  Like I said the only people watching this inauguration are the Latvians.  And they don’t speak English. I’d like to address the Latvians now.  You can watch.  But that’s it. No crossing our borders.  Capish?

And let me address our northern border.  The Canadians had better stay in Canada. I know 90 percent of your country is a glacier but it’s your fault for living there. So stay in Canada. Cross our border and you’ll be fired.

I’d like to close by bringing out my good friend Bob Dylan who will sing Blowin’ in the Wind, with lyrics adapted to the event.  

How many roads must a Mexican walk down
Before you call him an illegal alien?
The answer, my friend, is blowin’ in the wind
The answer like my combover is blowin’ in the wind

Yes, and how many years can a border fence exist
Before it’s washed to the sea?
Yes, and how many times can a man turn his head
And pretend that he just doesn’t see Mexicans streaming across the border?
The answer, my friend, is blowin’ in the wind
The answer like my combover is blowin’ in the wind

Yes, and how many times must a man look up
Before he can see Mexicans?
Yes, and how many ears must one man have
Before he can hear Mexicans in the tunnels?
The answer, my friend, is blowin’ in the wind
The answer like my combover is blowin’ in the wind

Thank you Bob.  Your check is in the mail.

I for one welcome our new president. And as a resident of upper Manhattan remind him that I can be quite useful in locating illegal immigrants for him.

Mm.  Grilled cheese.  It feels warm and squishy on my body.  Like my cat after I accidentally sat on her.


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