Superman Unable to Leap Freedom Tower

This man is no longer able to leap tall buildings in a single bound

This man is no longer able to leap tall buildings in a single bound

For years Superman has dubbed himself as the man “who can leap tall buildings in a single bound.” However that may be in danger after an embarrassing incident in New York City over the weekend that left him dangling from One World Trade Center’s antenna.

“We got a call saying someone was stuck on the antenna” said FDNY Commissioner Daniel Nigro.

At first we thought it was a maintenance worker but after we turned off the power and scaled the antenna we realized it was Superman. The antenna has ripped his tights and he was dangling by his, how shall I put it, underwear. We all had a good laugh. Well, Superman didn’t.  He was pissed.

The flying superhero from planet Krypton also appeared to be quite intoxicated.

Once we got a look at his blood shot eyes, and slurred speech there was no doubt. And his breath smelled like whiskey.  So we handed him over to our friends in the NYPD, who as you know have no love for vigilantes.  They booked him for flying while intoxicated.

Detectives were assigned to interrogate Superman and find out why he got stuck on the Freedom Tower in the first place.

“He was belligerent when we took him into the precinct” said the detective in charge of the case. “He kept mentioning a woman’s name.”

After questioning Superman for a couple hours the police discovered that he had attempted to fly over the Freedom Tower on a dare.

He was trying to impress this woman he met in a bar. I guess he was smooth talking her.  You know, “I’m the Man of Steel. Wink Wink.”  He then asked her if she’d like to see some photos of his penis that he had on his iPhone. When she declined he then asked her if she’d be impressed if he could leap the Freedom Tower in a single bound.  That’s when he got stuck on the tower.  I don’t have to tell you that he should never have attempted it sober much less drunk.

After interrogation Superman was placed in a holding cell to sleep it off.  During his confinement he was responsible for over $10,000 in damages to the precinct.

As we all know alcohol is a diuretic. With Superman’s urine coming out at speeds of up to 100 miles per hour he knocked a few toilets off the ground and destroyed the plumbing. We had a damn flood as water was shooting up everywhere. You know I guess we wouldn’t be as mad if he apologized.  All he did before passing out again was point to his penis and say, “It’s powerful. My pride and joy.”

The next morning a sobered up Superman paid his fine and was given a ticket to appear in court in three weeks to answer the charges of flying while intoxicated and destruction of public property.

“I just want to get back to doing what I do best. Fighting crime” he told reporters on the steps of the precinct.

He then asked a female reporter if she wanted to see some pictures of his penis that he had on his iPhone.

“Women will always be my kryptonite” he told her just before being maced.


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