Senator Ted Kennedy (D-MA) has died.  Edward Kennedy, the last surviving son of Joe Kennedy died at approximately 3:30 in the morning surrounded by his family.

Immediately after his death Senator Kennedy attempted to reach Heaven but was repeatedly rebuffed by strong currents and dark, cold, muddy waters.

Exhausted by his efforts to reach Heaven, Senator Kennedy returned to his family compound, contacted police and made a written statement.

“Shortly after my soul left my body I attempted to reach Heaven, in fact making several different attempts to reach it.  Each time I was prevented by strong currents.  I returned to my family compound exhausted by my efforts and laid on my bed with my wet clothes still on.  I was on the bed for awhile when I heard voices outside my room.  I put some dry clothes on and opened the door, asking them ‘what time is it?’  They seemed surprised to see me and said ‘Hasn’t your soul ascended into Heaven yet?’  I explained that I was unable to reach it, was totally exhausted and that my mind was a jumble of conflicting thoughts.  ‘I think there must have been some sort of accident’ I said.

“My friends offered to help me find Heaven and we immediately started the search again but the cold dark water and strong current surrounding Heaven frustrated our efforts.  My friends told me I would have to report that I was unable to reach Heaven to the proper authorities and I said I would.  They then left me and continued their attempt to find a clear path to Heaven for me.

“Next, instead of reporting the fact that my soul had left its body and could not find Heaven I spent the next couple hours walking around my family compound, at one point even talking nonchalantly with neighbors about sailing and accepting their invitation to breakfast. It was not until 11 hours after my soul left my body when my family told me I had to report the incident  that I did so.  I cannot explain why it took so long.  Perhaps I had a concussion.  I find my failure to do so ‘morally inexcusable’ and I ask the forgiveness of my friends and family.”

Senator Kennedy’s failure to report his soul’s inability to reach Heaven could have a long lasting impact on his future post-death career and possibly block his chances for advancement.

The Heaven Police Department (HPD) is investigating the incident and have not ruled out a formal inquest and possible charges against Senator Kennedy, including failure to report leaving his body.

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Don’t be alarmed now it’s just a sprinkling for the May queen.

For over 30 years the mystery of what was on the 18 1/2 minute gap in one of President Richard Nixon’s Watergate tapes has fascinated researchers, biographers and anyone interested in the scandal that brought down a President.  Now finally we may know.  Using the latest technology scientists have been able to recover the 18 1/2 minute gap.  And what they have found will surprise everyone.

After routine conversation between President Nixon and his secretary Rose Mary Woods, one minute into the tape President Nixon gets a call on his private line:

Nixon: Hello?

Jimmy Page:  Dick it’s Jimmy

Nixon:  Hey  Jimmy.  How are things? How is that wild man Bonham?

Jimmy Page:  He’s passed out.  We put him on his side so he wouldn’t choke on his vomit

Nixon:  Smart move.  What’s up?

Jimmy Page:  I’m writing a song and I’m having trouble with the  lyrics.  Can you help me?

Nixon:  Anything for a fellow rebel.  What’s the song about?

Jimmy Page:  It’s called Stairway to Heaven.  I have most of the lyrics  but it needs another verse.  I’m stumped.

Nixon:  That happens.  I remember McCartney was having problems with Hey Jude so I gave him the ‘movement you need is on your shoulder’ line.  Son of a bitch never thanked me…..what’s the theme of this stairway song?

Jimmy Page:  I’m working on rural images….countryside. Celtic imagery. May queens……stuff like that.

Nixon:  This is a coincidence.  I was tooling around with some lyrics this morning I think you can use.  Try this:  ‘If there’s a bustle in your hedgerow/don’t be alarmed now/it’s just a spring clean for the May Queen…… ‘

Jimmy Page:  That’s it!  That’s it!  That’s what the song needs!  You’re a genius.  Plant…Jones….Dick has the perfect idea. (Sounds of excitement in background.  An unidentified voice, perhaps Robert Plant shouts ‘I can sing that!’)

Nixon:  Jimmy it’s my pleasure.  Remember, I don’t want to be credited on the lyrics.  This is our secret.  And you tell that wacky wild man Bonham the next time he’s in D.C. to look me up.

Jimmy Page:  Will do Mr. President.

End of call.  Fourteen minutes into the tape President Nixon receives another call.

Nixon:  Hello?

Unidentified caller:  Hello.  Is this President Nixon?

Nixon:  Yes it is son.  How old are you?

Unidentified caller:  I’m 12.  I’m from Dublin.

Nixon:  Nice to hear from you son.  What can I do for you?

Unidentified caller:   I want to be a rock star when I grow up but my parents keep discouraging me.  They say Rock and Roll is below the Irish.

Nixon:  Don’t listen to them.  You can do whatever you want.  You too can do it.  You too can!   What’s your name son?

Unidentified caller:  Paul…….Paul Hewson.

Nixon:  Well Paul I say follow your dream.  You too can do it.  You too can have your dreams come true.

Unidentified caller:  You too!  You too!  I like it.  That’s what I’m going to call my band.  U2 – like the spy plane.

Nixon:  I like it.  Turn the weapons of war into weapons of peace and rock and roll.  Keep rocking and rolling kid. By the way, you might want to think about a stage name.  Paul Hewson is just not memorable.  Who do you like?

Unidentified caller:  I really like Cher.

Nixon:  Well, there you have it.  Your name is now Bono.

Unidentified caller:  Thank you Mr. President.

End of call.

Many will be surprised at Richard Nixon’s unsung roll in the development of rock and roll.  According to the Head of the Nixon Library, the 37th President also advised the Beatles to fire Pete Best.  “That Starkey guy is a much better drummer.”  Nixon viewed himself as the “Friedrich Engels of Rock and Roll.  Just like Engels preached communism but during the day was a prosperous businessman, Nixon preached law and order but at night was a rocker.  He decided to keep it secret for political reasons, fearing fallout from the right-wing evangelical base of his party.”

The full Nixon Tapes will be available to the public sometime in the Spring of 2010.

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President Obama today started his summer vacation in Martha’s Vineyard by holding a press conference where he pleaded with the press to respect his family’s privacy.

“I don’t want you people in the press to get any ideas.  I’m just a typical American having a typical vacation.  It’s summer time and like all Americans I am taking a few weeks off in Martha’s Vineyard.  That’s it.  Just a typical vacation doing what all Americans do.  Why this morning when my family and 200 servants got on board Air Force One I said to myself ‘I’m just having a summer vacation that’s all.  Like all Americans do.’ ”

“When we flew over Manhattan I asked the pilot to fly much lower and slower over the Island so that I,  a proud father, could point out to my daughters famous New York City landmarks like the Statue of Liberty and Ground Zero.  Isn’t this a great country when a citizen on vacation can request the pilot of the airplane he is on to fly lower and he does it?   The people on the ground seemed to be happy to see the plane as they were all screaming and running – probably to their respective congressman’s office to voice their support for my policies.”

As his staff handing out the President’s itinerary Obama continued to stress the nonpartisan nature of his vacation.

“As you can see by my schedule there is nothing the least bit pubic or political about it.  I’ll just be doing the normal things that typical normal Americans do when they go to Martha’s Vineyard like having lunch with Ted Kennedy where we will discuss the dire situation of health care in America.  I also plan to spend a few mornings working in a soup kitchen with my wife where I will talk about unemployment and homelessness and how we must punish the fat cats making over $200,000 a year.  I will also be having dinner with my good friend and supporter of universal health care James Taylor.  You see, all things that most Americans do on their vacation.”

“So you see I just plan to chill out and relax at my $35,000 a week vacation home like all Americans do.  So I ask the press, especially Rush Limbaugh, to respect my wishes and leave me alone.”

As the press conference ended President Obama, his wife and children and several Secret Service agents piled into an armor-plated SUV.  The President waved goodbye to the press and said “You see, just another typical American on a typical holiday.”

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Building on the momentum from their recent pardon of convicted Lockerbie bomber Abdel Baset al-Megrahi, Scotland announced that they are pardoning everyone in the world.  Scottish Justice Secretary Kenny MacAskill made the announcement today.

“In the name of the Scottish people I hereby pardon everyone for every offense they may have committed.”

When asked why they are doing this, MacAskill responded,  “The Scottish are a notoriously charitable people.  We cannot tolerate seeing anybody but the English in jail.”

Immediately after the announcement jails throughout the world were emptied of their occupants.  In Texas Governor Rick Perry expressed surprise and wondered if Scotland had jurisdiction but eventually agreed to free the close to 300 people on Death Row.  “I probably shouldn’t do this, but Braveheart was a great movie, I’m drunk and maybe this will help me get Sheena Easton’s phone number.”

In New York City, Scotland’s proclamation stating that “some hurts can never heal, some scars can never fade.  But justice has been served, now mercy must be shown”  was received with great enthusiasm.  Daniel Smith, 38, who was about to pay a $150 fine for a minor traffic violation pumped his fists in the air and shouted “I am so out of here” before leaving the Courthouse,  entering his car and running over a pedestrian.

In Los Angeles the Decree of Pardon was rendered moot when it was discovered that all their prisoners had already escaped by scaling the prison walls.  “I blame the Mexicans” said Governor Schwarzenegger.

Ireland gladly freed all its inmates except for a bartender named Frank that no one liked anyway.

Only Russia of all the countries in the world had no inmates in jail, all of them having previously been poisoned by Putin.

The Presiding Officer of the Scottish Parliament, Alex Fergusson told reporters that “this is only the first step – next week we plan on pardoning all fictional characters from movies, TV, theater and books and the week after that inmates from other planets except for the Ferengi of course.”

The Ferengi immediately declared war on Wales.   “I would have declared war on Scotland but I still hope to get Sheena Easton’s phone number” said the Grand Negis Zek, leader of the Ferengi Alliance.

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In the first of what I hope will be a continuing series of guest commentaries by people in various walks of life I am pleased to present a column by the Honorable Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton:

“I’d like thank the Manhattan Infidel for giving me this opportunity to set the record straight about certain falsehoods that have sprung up lately about me.

“First and foremost I’d like to say that I am in no way a ‘marginalized’ Secretary of State.  I am still an important and vital part of this Administration.  I have the full confidence of President Obama.  Why just the other day I was discussing with him how to bring peace to the Middle East and he said ‘That’s fascinating.  I appreciate and value your input.  How would you like to visit the Congo?’  Why else would he shuffle me off to some remote corner of the world away from the action unless he trusted me and knew that even 1000 miles away from Jerusalem I could still broker peace?

“And it’s not just the Middle East where I play a role.  While I was in the Congo President Obama called me and told me I was heading to Antarctica.  Permanently.  At first I was a little taken aback by this but he explained to me that I would not do much good in Washington but if I were to be based in Antarctica I would be able to use our military planes on that continent to fly to trouble spots  around the world at a moment’s notice.  Well, eventually.  First President Obama wants me to spend a month in Antarctica studying penguins and having my picture taken with them.  You see, our President cares about the environment and wildlife and is obviously concerned that the crisis of global warming is having a deleterious effect on penguins. 

“My husband Bill likes that I will be in the South Pole as well.  When I told him that I’d be stationed there he told me ‘I know.  I was the one who suggested it.’  I haven’t had a chance to talk to him since then as he had to celebrate his birthday for a couple of days.

“Secondly, President Obama will be sending me on an important peace mission.  I am pleased to announce that he has chosen me, not one of his so-called Czars, to travel to Deep Space Nine to negotiate between warring Cardassians and Bajorans.  I am not familiar with the conflict nor where Deep Space Nine is exactly but I assume it’s in Central Europe. You see, all  peoples of the world are important to this President.  When he called me up and told me that I’d be going to Deep Space Nine  to negotiate with someone called Gul Dukat he kept breaking into laughter.  Probably he was giddy at the thought of bringing peace to a war-torn region.

“Thirdly President Obama has informed me that as long as he is President of the United States I will be the guest of honor at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade as well as the Rose Bowl Parade.  He told me ‘I want to see my Secretary of State on television.’  He was laughing as he said this.  Again, probably because he was happy and justifiably proud at the thought that his Administration will be the first to have its cabinet members accessible to the public in such an unprecedented manner.

“Now if you’ll excuse me I have to read up on penguins.  Did you know that penguin couples spend their lives apart from one another and only meet once a year?  When I told my husband Bill this he started screaming ‘Yes….Yes….oh God yes.  Now that’s what I’m talking about!’  Probably because he was so happy that I am doing my job so well.”

Thank you Madame Secretary of State for taking time out of your busy schedule to honor me with a column – The Manhattan Infidel.

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Already facing stiff opposition regarding their health plan Congressional Democrats at town hall meetings now have to explain the “single payer sex plan” buried on page 927 of the bill.

The single payer sex plan is predicated on the assumption that people who do not have sex regularly lead to the rise of health care costs across the nation.

“We were finding that those who do not have sex regularly, particularly single men end up engaging in risky activity such as violent crime and patronizing prostitutes.  Both activities lead to emergency room visits for gunshot wounds or V.D.  Some even debase themselves by starting blogs” said Senator Arlen Specter at one town hall rally.  “Carpal Tunnel syndrome alone cost 3 billion last year.”

Under the new plan the Federal Government will now assign sex partners to all U.S. citizens over the age of 16.  Those under 16 will continue to have sex the old fashioned way – with their teachers.

Once a person reaches the age of 16 they will be entered into a nation-wide sex database and issued a Federal Sex Card.

President Obama, speaking at a rally today was enthusiastic about the plan.

“Think of all the money we are going to save.  Once you receive your Sex Card all you have to do is call up a toll-free 800 number to ask for a partner.  Oh sure, you may have to wait 10 to 15 weeks for your sex.  You may have to travel hundreds of miles for your sex. You may not get the sex partner or partners you want.  If you want special equipment it might not be new.  The sex may be unsatisfactory. There will probably be a long line.  But the point is, you will be having sex.  And the Government can do this for you. This is the hope I was elected for.”

Several people at the rally expressed unease over the single payer sex plan.

“Does this mean that the Government will now be telling me who to have sex with?” asked one man.

“Yes” replied President Obama.

“And I’ll have no choice in the matter?”

“No choice whatsoever.”

“So I’ll be submissive?  Cool.  I’m totally into that.”  The man left the meeting excited about the possiblities of single payer sex.

Still others remain unconvinced.

“What about the 85% of us satisfied with their sex partners?  Is it fair for us?”  asked one protester.

President Obama responded by saying that sacrifices must be made and it is time to “redistribute the sex.”

Republicans admit that sex lives of Americans are broken and need to be fixed but in addition to the Government Sex Card insist that private sex providers also be provided in any health package.

“Americans prize individual initiative” declared Senator Mitch McConnell.  “Instead of waiting for the Government to find you a sex partner, walk up to a stranger in a bar and ask her for a roll in the hay.  It’s gumption like this that makes America great.”

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