Don’t be alarmed now it’s just a sprinkling for the May queen.

For over 30 years the mystery of what was on the 18 1/2 minute gap in one of President Richard Nixon’s Watergate tapes has fascinated researchers, biographers and anyone interested in the scandal that brought down a President.  Now finally we may know.  Using the latest technology scientists have been able to recover the 18 1/2 minute gap.  And what they have found will surprise everyone.

After routine conversation between President Nixon and his secretary Rose Mary Woods, one minute into the tape President Nixon gets a call on his private line:

Nixon: Hello?

Jimmy Page:  Dick it’s Jimmy

Nixon:  Hey  Jimmy.  How are things? How is that wild man Bonham?

Jimmy Page:  He’s passed out.  We put him on his side so he wouldn’t choke on his vomit

Nixon:  Smart move.  What’s up?

Jimmy Page:  I’m writing a song and I’m having trouble with the  lyrics.  Can you help me?

Nixon:  Anything for a fellow rebel.  What’s the song about?

Jimmy Page:  It’s called Stairway to Heaven.  I have most of the lyrics  but it needs another verse.  I’m stumped.

Nixon:  That happens.  I remember McCartney was having problems with Hey Jude so I gave him the ‘movement you need is on your shoulder’ line.  Son of a bitch never thanked me…..what’s the theme of this stairway song?

Jimmy Page:  I’m working on rural images….countryside. Celtic imagery. May queens……stuff like that.

Nixon:  This is a coincidence.  I was tooling around with some lyrics this morning I think you can use.  Try this:  ‘If there’s a bustle in your hedgerow/don’t be alarmed now/it’s just a spring clean for the May Queen…… ‘

Jimmy Page:  That’s it!  That’s it!  That’s what the song needs!  You’re a genius.  Plant…Jones….Dick has the perfect idea. (Sounds of excitement in background.  An unidentified voice, perhaps Robert Plant shouts ‘I can sing that!’)

Nixon:  Jimmy it’s my pleasure.  Remember, I don’t want to be credited on the lyrics.  This is our secret.  And you tell that wacky wild man Bonham the next time he’s in D.C. to look me up.

Jimmy Page:  Will do Mr. President.

End of call.  Fourteen minutes into the tape President Nixon receives another call.

Nixon:  Hello?

Unidentified caller:  Hello.  Is this President Nixon?

Nixon:  Yes it is son.  How old are you?

Unidentified caller:  I’m 12.  I’m from Dublin.

Nixon:  Nice to hear from you son.  What can I do for you?

Unidentified caller:   I want to be a rock star when I grow up but my parents keep discouraging me.  They say Rock and Roll is below the Irish.

Nixon:  Don’t listen to them.  You can do whatever you want.  You too can do it.  You too can!   What’s your name son?

Unidentified caller:  Paul…….Paul Hewson.

Nixon:  Well Paul I say follow your dream.  You too can do it.  You too can have your dreams come true.

Unidentified caller:  You too!  You too!  I like it.  That’s what I’m going to call my band.  U2 – like the spy plane.

Nixon:  I like it.  Turn the weapons of war into weapons of peace and rock and roll.  Keep rocking and rolling kid. By the way, you might want to think about a stage name.  Paul Hewson is just not memorable.  Who do you like?

Unidentified caller:  I really like Cher.

Nixon:  Well, there you have it.  Your name is now Bono.

Unidentified caller:  Thank you Mr. President.

End of call.

Many will be surprised at Richard Nixon’s unsung roll in the development of rock and roll.  According to the Head of the Nixon Library, the 37th President also advised the Beatles to fire Pete Best.  “That Starkey guy is a much better drummer.”  Nixon viewed himself as the “Friedrich Engels of Rock and Roll.  Just like Engels preached communism but during the day was a prosperous businessman, Nixon preached law and order but at night was a rocker.  He decided to keep it secret for political reasons, fearing fallout from the right-wing evangelical base of his party.”

The full Nixon Tapes will be available to the public sometime in the Spring of 2010.

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