Scotland Pardons Everybody

Scotland pardons everybodyBuilding on the momentum from their recent pardon of convicted Lockerbie bomber Abdel Baset al-Megrahi, Scotland announced that they are pardoning everyone in the world.  Scottish Justice Secretary Kenny MacAskill made the announcement today.

“In the name of the Scottish people I hereby pardon everyone for every offense they may have committed.”

When asked why they are doing this, MacAskill responded,  “The Scottish are a notoriously charitable people.  We cannot tolerate seeing anybody but the English in jail.”

Immediately after the announcement jails throughout the world were emptied of their occupants.  In Texas Governor Rick Perry expressed surprise and wondered if Scotland had jurisdiction but eventually agreed to free the close to 300 people on Death Row.  “I probably shouldn’t do this, but Braveheart was a great movie, I’m drunk and maybe this will help me get Sheena Easton’s phone number.”

In New York City, Scotland’s proclamation stating that “some hurts can never heal, some scars can never fade.  But justice has been served, now mercy must be shown”  was received with great enthusiasm.  Daniel Smith, 38, who was about to pay a $150 fine for a minor traffic violation pumped his fists in the air and shouted “I am so out of here” before leaving the Courthouse,  entering his car and running over a pedestrian.

In Los Angeles the Decree of Pardon was rendered moot when it was discovered that all their prisoners had already escaped by scaling the prison walls.  “I blame the Mexicans” said Governor Schwarzenegger.

Ireland gladly freed all its inmates except for a bartender named Frank that no one liked anyway.

Only Russia of all the countries in the world had no inmates in jail, all of them having previously been poisoned by Putin.

The Presiding Officer of the Scottish Parliament, Alex Fergusson told reporters that “this is only the first step – next week we plan on pardoning all fictional characters from movies, TV, theater and books and the week after that inmates from other planets except for the Ferengi of course.”

The Ferengi immediately declared war on Wales.   “I would have declared war on Scotland but I still hope to get Sheena Easton’s phone number” said the Grand Negis Zek, leader of the Ferengi Alliance.


1 Comment

One Response

  1. Dr. Dave says:

    Huh. And I thought Putin had released all Russian criminals to run supermarkets, gun running, and garbage here in America.

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