New Details Emerging in Congressional Health Plan

President Obama before meeting with GodAlready facing stiff opposition regarding their health plan Congressional Democrats at town hall meetings now have to explain the “single payer sex plan” buried on page 927 of the bill.

The single payer sex plan is predicated on the assumption that people who do not have sex regularly lead to the rise of health care costs across the nation.

“We were finding that those who do not have sex regularly, particularly single men end up engaging in risky activity such as violent crime and patronizing prostitutes.  Both activities lead to emergency room visits for gunshot wounds or V.D.  Some even debase themselves by starting blogs” said Senator Arlen Specter at one town hall rally.  “Carpal Tunnel syndrome alone cost 3 billion last year.”

Under the new plan the Federal Government will now assign sex partners to all U.S. citizens over the age of 16.  Those under 16 will continue to have sex the old fashioned way – with their teachers.

Once a person reaches the age of 16 they will be entered into a nation-wide sex database and issued a Federal Sex Card.

President Obama, speaking at a rally today was enthusiastic about the plan.

“Think of all the money we are going to save.  Once you receive your Sex Card all you have to do is call up a toll-free 800 number to ask for a partner.  Oh sure, you may have to wait 10 to 15 weeks for your sex.  You may have to travel hundreds of miles for your sex. You may not get the sex partner or partners you want.  If you want special equipment it might not be new.  The sex may be unsatisfactory. There will probably be a long line.  But the point is, you will be having sex.  And the Government can do this for you. This is the hope I was elected for.”

Several people at the rally expressed unease over the single payer sex plan.

“Does this mean that the Government will now be telling me who to have sex with?” asked one man.

“Yes” replied President Obama.

“And I’ll have no choice in the matter?”

“No choice whatsoever.”

“So I’ll be submissive?  Cool.  I’m totally into that.”  The man left the meeting excited about the possiblities of single payer sex.

Still others remain unconvinced.

“What about the 85% of us satisfied with their sex partners?  Is it fair for us?”  asked one protester.

President Obama responded by saying that sacrifices must be made and it is time to “redistribute the sex.”

Republicans admit that sex lives of Americans are broken and need to be fixed but in addition to the Government Sex Card insist that private sex providers also be provided in any health package.

“Americans prize individual initiative” declared Senator Mitch McConnell.  “Instead of waiting for the Government to find you a sex partner, walk up to a stranger in a bar and ask her for a roll in the hay.  It’s gumption like this that makes America great.”



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