Sheriff Kane Speaks

Sheriff Will Kane explains what really went on in the town of HadleyvilleThe image in indelibly ingrained into the American consciousness:  Sheriff Will Kane courageously defends himself against Frank Miller who was bent on revenge after Kane sent him to prison.

Now retired and living comfortably in Tampa, Florida Sheriff Will Kane has decided to break his silence and finally speak on the events, in the process puncturing many of the myths that have grown up around the “Incident in Hadleyville.”

“Sure I defeated the gang but that wasn’t the real reason I returned to the town. Hell, I didn’t even know Miller and his gang were there.”

Kane leans back in his chair and sips from his glass of wine,  a look of peace on his face like a man who is about to get a long buried secret off his chest.

“The real reason I returned to Hadleyville was that I forgot my Cialis.  Can you blame me.  I had just married a woman 30 years younger than me.  C’mon.  You didn’t actually believe that I went back into town to face down a gang that wanted to kill me did you?  Hell I wasn’t even sheriff anymore.

“I was glad to get out of that town.  I had just taken a job as a security consultant in California that would have made me lots of money.   I had married me a young honey.  She was insatiable I tell you. We had already  left town when I remembered I left my Cialis back at the jail.  So I turned around.

“When I get into town I find it in an uproar.  ‘Frank Miller is coming into town on the noon train’ they tell me. Well shit that’s all I needed to know.  Miller had threatened to kill me remember.  So I went to the jail and grabbed my Cialis from my desk and was all set to leave with time to spare.  I was in the bathroom taking a crap when I hear the noon train coming in.  What the f*#$ I say…’s only 11 AM. Then I realize that I forgot to set my watch ahead for the time change.  I was literally caught with my pants down.  Real heroic right?”

Kane lit up a cigar.

“Nothing like a cigar with a glass of wine is there?  Anyway I had no choice now but to fight my way out of town.  Luckily for me I had plenty of ammunition.  Miller and his gang weren’t that intelligent so I had a Mexican prostitute I used to frequent bring them to her brothel.  It was there that I shot them all in the back of the head.  So ba-da-bing ba-da-boom.  Long story short. They’re dead.  Town’s happy.  I’m back on the road to California.”

I asked Kane what happened after he left Hadleyville.

“Amy and I arrive in California.  Things were great for awhile.  I mean here I am in my early 50s married to this young woman.  The sex was fantastic……..then she left me for some surfer with blond hair.  I shouldn’t have married her.  All my friends told me she was bad news.  But you know…….the sex.”

He throws his head back and laughs like a man aware that the joke is on him.  I ask him what happened to Amy.

“She’s long dead.  From what I hear it was a murder-suicide.  He caught her cheating on him and shot her to death before turning the gun on himself.  Can’t say I’m surprised.  The girl was insatiable you know.”

I thanked him for his time.  As I got up to leave he looked at his watch and said “I don’t mean to hurry you along but I have a date with a young woman.  She’s in her 50s and insatiable!”


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