In a surprise move, The Borg Collective  have assimilated TimeWarner.

The Borg Collective, a race of cybernetically enhanced humanoid drones of various species run by a collective “hive mind” orchestrated a hostile takeover of Time Warner, the third largest media and entertainment conglomerate in the world.  At 9 A.M. TimeWarner employees were herded into a large conference room and told of the change.  Representatives from the Department of Borg Resources were on hand to help explain the changes and assist with the transition.

The most common question was “What about my 401K?”   The Borg explained that the collective will take care of all your needs and no individual retirement accounts would be necessary.

Many worried about their health benefits.  A Borg representative explained that the Borg implants that all employees will soon receive will last forever therefore obviating the necessity for health benefits.

Several at the meeting raised concerns specific to their situation.

“We don’t actually work for TimeWarner.  Look at our badges.  They are red.  We are contractors.  Will contractors get the same deal as TimeWarner employees?”  

The contractors were informed that they would be outsourced to an Indian Company that the Borg have a majority interest in but that they would not be given implants, access to the collective nor health benefits.

An employee asked if the Borg were associated with Victor Borge, the famous “Unmelancholy Dane.”  The Department of Borg Resources assured him they were not.

One employee was worried that her Borg implants would interfere with her date tonight.  “How can I make love to my boyfriend with this mechanical hand?” The Borg’s explanation that they reproduced asexually almost became a deal-breaker as many employees objected.

“Asexual reproduction?  What are we?  Irish?”

The meeting was on the point of degenerating into a riot until the Borg Collective took control of the room, killing those who objected and jump-starting the process of assimilation.  Within hours all employees were given their implants and gained access to the collective.

Despite assurances that the merger would go smoothly problems were reported.  Those calling up BorgWarner’s Help Desk were greeted with a new message:  “Help Desk.  You will be assimilated.” One man who just wanted access to his personal folders in Outlook was told that “resistance is futile.”

Cheryl Casone of the Fox Business Network stated that “While the Borg are great at assimilating species, planets and civilizations they still have a lot to learn about running a multimedia company.”

Calls to BorgWarner have as yet been unanswered.

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