Senator Kennedy Dies; Strong Murky Current Prevents Him From Reaching Heaven

Senator Ted KennedySenator Ted Kennedy (D-MA) has died.  Edward Kennedy, the last surviving son of Joe Kennedy died at approximately 3:30 in the morning surrounded by his family.

Immediately after his death Senator Kennedy attempted to reach Heaven but was repeatedly rebuffed by strong currents and dark, cold, muddy waters.

Exhausted by his efforts to reach Heaven, Senator Kennedy returned to his family compound, contacted police and made a written statement.

“Shortly after my soul left my body I attempted to reach Heaven, in fact making several different attempts to reach it.  Each time I was prevented by strong currents.  I returned to my family compound exhausted by my efforts and laid on my bed with my wet clothes still on.  I was on the bed for awhile when I heard voices outside my room.  I put some dry clothes on and opened the door, asking them ‘what time is it?’  They seemed surprised to see me and said ‘Hasn’t your soul ascended into Heaven yet?’  I explained that I was unable to reach it, was totally exhausted and that my mind was a jumble of conflicting thoughts.  ‘I think there must have been some sort of accident’ I said.

“My friends offered to help me find Heaven and we immediately started the search again but the cold dark water and strong current surrounding Heaven frustrated our efforts.  My friends told me I would have to report that I was unable to reach Heaven to the proper authorities and I said I would.  They then left me and continued their attempt to find a clear path to Heaven for me.

“Next, instead of reporting the fact that my soul had left its body and could not find Heaven I spent the next couple hours walking around my family compound, at one point even talking nonchalantly with neighbors about sailing and accepting their invitation to breakfast. It was not until 11 hours after my soul left my body when my family told me I had to report the incident  that I did so.  I cannot explain why it took so long.  Perhaps I had a concussion.  I find my failure to do so ‘morally inexcusable’ and I ask the forgiveness of my friends and family.”

Senator Kennedy’s failure to report his soul’s inability to reach Heaven could have a long lasting impact on his future post-death career and possibly block his chances for advancement.

The Heaven Police Department (HPD) is investigating the incident and have not ruled out a formal inquest and possible charges against Senator Kennedy, including failure to report leaving his body.


1 Comment

One Response

  1. KingShamus says:


    Nice job. The Hero of Chappaquidick deserves nothing less.

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