Fresh off the resignation of controversial “Green Jobs” Czar Van Jones President Obama has named the Jolly Green Giant as the new Green Jobs Czar.  It is clearly hoped by many in the Administration that the embarrassment caused by the Van Jones controversy will be put to rest and that the Jolly Green Giant will prove a popular new Czar.

Due to the size of the Jolly Green Giant the announcement was held in the White House Rose Garden.  President Obama hailed his long history of “being green” and his healthy vegetable diet.  “Mr. Giant will prove an asset to our Administration in many ways and I look forward to his input on how to make the United States more green.”  The Jolly Green Giant then thanked President Obama for his confidence and pledged to do all in his power to help him.

The announcement was marred when after the press conference the 50 foot giant accidentally stepped on and crushed a reporter from MSNBC.

It was politics as usual however as President Obama’s opponents pounced on the announcement and questioned the Jolly Green Giant’s credibility, citing a series of controversial statements he has made over the years.  A well-known giant activist, in 2004 the Jolly Green Giant called humans “a race of inferior little bugs I can crush with my bare hands.”  This was not the first time he had criticized the Human Race.  In 2003 while speaking at a community organizer rally in Minnesota he said that “all humans should be stepped on.”   Also, in 2001 he called the 9/11 attacks an inside job and blamed “Bush and the a–hole Republicans.”  He has also been quoted as saying that the green movement is an excuse for “white people to move the peoples of color back onto the plantation.”

There are also reports of irregularities in the Jolly Green Giant’s personal life.  He has been fined for public lewdness on many occasions.  A farmer in Iowa reports that once he saw the Jolly Green Giant “pleasuring himself” in the middle of  his field.   “C’mon.  I know he’s 50 feet tall and it must be tough finding a woman but I have kids.  They didn’t need to see that.  When I complained he said ‘You need some fertilizer farmer boy’ and crapped all over my fields.”  On another occasion he was found peering into a couple’s bedroom window watching them in their intimate moments.  “I like to watch” he told police later.  It is also rumored that he received the sobriquet “Jolly” because of his love of cannabis.

President Obama blamed opposition to his Green Jobs Czar on “right-wingers who listen to Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck.”

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In keeping with my new policy I am pleased to have the Honorable John Edwards, former Vice Presidential Candidate and Senator from North Carolina deliver a guest commentary.

“Thank you.  I am pleased that the Manhattan Infidel has given me this opportunity to speak to the American People.

“My fellow Americans.  We live in troubled times.  Everywhere I go I see evidence of two Americas:  The America of the fat cat and the America of the underprivileged who cannot afford to hire me as their attorney.  

“And this makes me angry.  As I look out the window of my mansion now I can see across the street poor unfortunate Americans in their poor unfortunate run down houses and I ask myself ‘How can this be tolerated in America?’  I have to close my curtains so I will not have to see them.  My fellow Americans we are not living up to our potential.  This is the land of opportunity.  A land where the immigrant can pull himself up and by dint of hard work know that his children’s lives will be better.  He may not be able to hire me to sue somebody but his children definitely will.

“Currently our country is embroiled in a lively debate over the merits of universal health care.  I am a firm supporter of our President and his desire to enact universal health care.  Over the years I have sued many many doctors.  Doctors who only cared about money and not the well-being of their patients.

“I have witnessed many Americans without health care struggle to pay their bills.  If they did have health care they would have more money and would be able to hire me.  It pains me when I see people I cannot sue.   Not being able to sue people fills me with great anxiety.  I would not have this anxiety if we had  universal health care.  This anxiety has forced me to go outside my family for comfort.  

“So call up your congressman or congresswoman and tell them to support the President’s plan.  Health insurance will make this a better country, reduce costs and work towards the mental health of all people.  Who knows.  If we only had health coverage for everybody I might not have been filled with free floating anxiety.  Health care might have prevented me from cheating on my dying wife.   Fortunately my mistress has great private health insurance.

“In closing let me just say that universal health care will vastly reduce costs.  It will vastly increase the savings of average Americans and it will vastly increase their ability to hire me to sue someone.

“I’d like to again thank the Manhattan Infidel for giving me this forum to address the American people.   And now that he has finally allowed me to use his blog to state my case I can drop my lawsuit against him.”

Yours Sincerely

John Edwards

The Manhattan Infidel would like to thank Mr. Edwards for dropping his lawsuit against me.

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I sat down today for a conversation with Charlie Rangel (D-NY) on a wide-ranging series of topics.

My first question was “I know you are a movie buff.   What is your all-time favorite movie?”

Rangel’s eyes lit up.  “Papillon!  I love that movie.  I love Dustin Hoffman’s character, especially that part about how he hides his money from the man.  Why just last week I was in the Dominican Republic and they had a special showing of Papillon.   I was staying at my vacation villa, er, I mean I was staying in a hotel since I definitely do NOT own property in the Dominican Republic and the theatre was within walking distance so I went to see several showings.”

After answering my question Rangel got up and walked into his kitchen, making sure that the oven was not turned on.

“I was just checking.  I have a couple million in cash hidden in the oven, er, I mean I just wanted to check to make sure the oven wasn’t on.  I’m trying to keep down energy costs you see.”

The conversation returned to Papillon.

“I just love that movie.  The themes are timeless.  Self-preservation.  Injustice.  Man’s inhumanity to man.  Hiding your money up your ass.  Not that I hide my money mind you.  In fact I have sponsored legislation in Congress to punish tax cheats.”

Several pizzas were delivered.  Congressman Rangel offered me a couple slices.  As we ate Rangel talked about his new found love for pizza.

“I’ve been eating pizza and other low-fiber foods for awhile now.  Pizza, ice cream, potato chips.   It might not be healthy but they do tend to cause constipation.  And right now that’s in my best interest.”

I was slightly puzzled by this and asked him why?

“You’ve heard of the phrase ‘A run on the bank?’  Well, if I had a high-fiber diet there would definitely be a ‘run on the bank.’  Not that I’m implying that I have 1.3 million in income stored up my ass that I’ve hidden from the IRS.”

It was at this point that Congressman Rangel grabbed his stomach.

“Excuse me.  Just a little wave of nausea.  I don’t know how that could have happened.”

I mentioned that he looked a little stopped up so I had crushed a laxative and placed it in one of his slices of pizza.

“You what?  You fool!  You’ve ruined me!  You’ve ruined me!”

Congressman Rangel ran towards his bathroom.

“Get out!  Get out now” he shouted as he closed the door.

I had several more questions but Congressman Rangel seemed disinclined to continue the interview.  As I left his place I could hear him shouting “Call a plumber!  Stop the pipes!”

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With the mourning for Senator Kennedy officially over the search has begun for his replacement in the Senate.  Given that any candidate to replace Ted Kennedy would have to continue his legacy sources say the search has focused primarily on someone who is tragically flawed in character with a history of binge drinking and/or sexual scandal.

The front runner at the moment appears to be Louisville Cardinals head coach Rick Pitino.

“We like Pitino because his Catholicism would appeal to Massachusetts’ voters” declared State Democratic Party Chairman John Walsh.  “Also there is also no denying that Pitino’s recent sex scandal involving adultery in a restaurant is just the kind of behavior that would make a Kennedy proud.”

However attractive Pitino would be to Massachusetts’ voters other candidates are also promising.  Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer is a prime candidate.

“Governor Spitzer’s dalliances with prostitutes would naturally appeal to the upper middle class while his penchant for leaving his socks on during sex hopefully would appeal to ‘Joe Six Pack.’ ”

Reaching beyond the world of professional politicians, former reality TV star Ryan Jenkins was considered a promising candidate.

“We  liked the fact that he murdered his ex-wife then removed her teeth and fingers.  If he had also been an alcoholic he would have been a perfect choice to succeed Senator Kennedy.   We were about to ask him if he was interested when he made the poor choice to hang himself.  While being dead is not necessarily a bar to being a Senator as Robert Byrd has proven the Kennedy’s were all about surviving.  A successor who had committed suicide would be a betrayal of that legacy.”

At the moment though there appears to be no one who could command the confidence of the entire party.  Massachusetts’ Democratic operatives were rumored to be scouring bars at closing time looking for sad, desperate, lonely, pathetic figures clutching shot glasses and hitting on women much too young for them.

“We want Ted’s office filled as soon as possible.  I don’t want to say were desperate but if we don’t fill it soon we may have to go to Hollywood and draft Gary Busey or Nick Nolte.  If only O.J. were an alcoholic we’d even settle for him.”

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The U.S. House of Representatives announced today that it will be leaving Washington D.C. after the 2010 legislative session.  Lorraine C. Miller, Clerk of the House of Representatives announced that due to declining revenue from ticket sales and lack of corporate sponsorship they will move to Las Vegas.

“We really had no choice.  D.C. had become financially untenable for the House franchise.  We tried everything.  We built special luxury boxes in the gallery with wifi access.  We upgraded the food menu in the gallery.  Instead of just hot dogs and beer we now offered sushi and wine.  We tried lowering our ticket prices and offering special ticket packages like the ‘Meet and Greet’ where ticket holders would be escorted to their seats by a congressman.  But nothing worked.  No one came to see us.”

Sources say that the final decision to relocate came when the House of Representatives was unable to secure corporate sponsorship past the 2010 legislative session.

“We tried to find a new corporate sponsor when Coors Brewing Company did not renew their contract.  Viagra looked promising but many of the Congressman who are currently using Viagra saw it as a conflict of interest.”

On top of all of this was the deteriorating physical condition of the House Chamber.  A engineering study found that it would cost several hundred million to refurbish the chamber.  The benches were old and hard and the ceiling was cracked in many places.  A chunk of the ceiling even fell down last February barely missing Representative Charles Rangel (D-NY) who called the near miss “a plot by Republicans to kill off the black man.”

It was at that moment that the decision to leave Washington was made.  Many locations were looked at but it boiled down to Philadelphia and Las Vegas.  Philadelphia had strong historical value but was rejected because, in the words of Earl Pomeroy (D-ND), “W.C. Fields was right about Philadelphia.”

Las Vegas will build a new chamber for the House of Representatives complete with luxury boxes, climate-controlled seating and a diverse food menu for the galleries.  They have also signed popular Las Vegas act Sigfried and Roy to open for the House.  “Ya, our little tigers zey vant to meet zee congressmen” said Roy.

In keeping with the gambling image of Las Vegas the House of Representatives will also be renamed “The House of Wheelers and Dealers.”

There is currently no word on whether the Senate will also seek to relocate.

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