Jolly Green Giant Named New “Green Jobs” Czar

President Obama’s new “Green Jobs” CzarFresh off the resignation of controversial “Green Jobs” Czar Van Jones President Obama has named the Jolly Green Giant as the new Green Jobs Czar.  It is clearly hoped by many in the Administration that the embarrassment caused by the Van Jones controversy will be put to rest and that the Jolly Green Giant will prove a popular new Czar.

Due to the size of the Jolly Green Giant the announcement was held in the White House Rose Garden.  President Obama hailed his long history of “being green” and his healthy vegetable diet.  “Mr. Giant will prove an asset to our Administration in many ways and I look forward to his input on how to make the United States more green.”  The Jolly Green Giant then thanked President Obama for his confidence and pledged to do all in his power to help him.

The announcement was marred when after the press conference the 50 foot giant accidentally stepped on and crushed a reporter from MSNBC.

It was politics as usual however as President Obama’s opponents pounced on the announcement and questioned the Jolly Green Giant’s credibility, citing a series of controversial statements he has made over the years.  A well-known giant activist, in 2004 the Jolly Green Giant called humans “a race of inferior little bugs I can crush with my bare hands.”  This was not the first time he had criticized the Human Race.  In 2003 while speaking at a community organizer rally in Minnesota he said that “all humans should be stepped on.”   Also, in 2001 he called the 9/11 attacks an inside job and blamed “Bush and the a–hole Republicans.”  He has also been quoted as saying that the green movement is an excuse for “white people to move the peoples of color back onto the plantation.”

There are also reports of irregularities in the Jolly Green Giant’s personal life.  He has been fined for public lewdness on many occasions.  A farmer in Iowa reports that once he saw the Jolly Green Giant “pleasuring himself” in the middle of  his field.   “C’mon.  I know he’s 50 feet tall and it must be tough finding a woman but I have kids.  They didn’t need to see that.  When I complained he said ‘You need some fertilizer farmer boy’ and crapped all over my fields.”  On another occasion he was found peering into a couple’s bedroom window watching them in their intimate moments.  “I like to watch” he told police later.  It is also rumored that he received the sobriquet “Jolly” because of his love of cannabis.

President Obama blamed opposition to his Green Jobs Czar on “right-wingers who listen to Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck.”



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