Search Continues for Kennedy’s Successor

Senator Ted KennedyWith the mourning for Senator Kennedy officially over the search has begun for his replacement in the Senate.  Given that any candidate to replace Ted Kennedy would have to continue his legacy sources say the search has focused primarily on someone who is tragically flawed in character with a history of binge drinking and/or sexual scandal.

The front runner at the moment appears to be Louisville Cardinals head coach Rick Pitino.

“We like Pitino because his Catholicism would appeal to Massachusetts’ voters” declared State Democratic Party Chairman John Walsh.  “Also there is also no denying that Pitino’s recent sex scandal involving adultery in a restaurant is just the kind of behavior that would make a Kennedy proud.”

However attractive Pitino would be to Massachusetts’ voters other candidates are also promising.  Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer is a prime candidate.

“Governor Spitzer’s dalliances with prostitutes would naturally appeal to the upper middle class while his penchant for leaving his socks on during sex hopefully would appeal to ‘Joe Six Pack.’ ”

Reaching beyond the world of professional politicians, former reality TV star Ryan Jenkins was considered a promising candidate.

“We  liked the fact that he murdered his ex-wife then removed her teeth and fingers.  If he had also been an alcoholic he would have been a perfect choice to succeed Senator Kennedy.   We were about to ask him if he was interested when he made the poor choice to hang himself.  While being dead is not necessarily a bar to being a Senator as Robert Byrd has proven the Kennedy’s were all about surviving.  A successor who had committed suicide would be a betrayal of that legacy.”

At the moment though there appears to be no one who could command the confidence of the entire party.  Massachusetts’ Democratic operatives were rumored to be scouring bars at closing time looking for sad, desperate, lonely, pathetic figures clutching shot glasses and hitting on women much too young for them.

“We want Ted’s office filled as soon as possible.  I don’t want to say were desperate but if we don’t fill it soon we may have to go to Hollywood and draft Gary Busey or Nick Nolte.  If only O.J. were an alcoholic we’d even settle for him.”



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