Depression Olympics Start; Hits Snags

The Depression Olympics get underwayThe first annual Depression Olympics has been postponed after hitting repeated snags.  The opening ceremonies were supposed to start at 9 A.M. with depressed athletes from around the globe marching into the Coliseum in Los Angeles.  However, the ceremonies started an hour late with only half the scheduled athletes marching.

“We tried to round up as many as we could.  We made calls, knocked on doors.   Many of the depressed athletes told us they just couldn’t muster the energy to go to the opening ceremonies” says the Director of the Depressed Olympics. Those who did march seemed halfhearted about it with many not even dressed in the uniform of their country. Banners were not waived but trailed on the ground.  The athletes ignored instructions.   “What’s the damn point” said one athlete.

The first event, the 100 meter dash was won by Joe Murphy of the United States with a record slow time of 38 seconds.  He was the only one who finished the event as three others on the starting line didn’t even bother to run and the fourth walked halfway before stopping.  Commenting on his slow time Murphy said, “Yeah, I suppose I could have run faster.  I don’t really care.  You got anything to eat?”

The 400 meter dash had to be canceled when no one showed up.   A quick trip to the locker room found the athletes who were supposed to compete lying on couches and staring at the ceiling.  “Was that our event?” one said.  “I don’t feel like getting up.  I’m so tired.  This used to be a lot more fun when I was younger.”

After the 400 meter dash the rest of the events for the day were canceled as organizers tried to round up missing athletes. A quick check of nearby bars found many of the athletes.  Despite repeated pleas they were not convinced to return.

“I shouldn’t be drinking.  I’ve wasted my entire life.  I just can’t concentrate on the stuff I should be doing.  Maybe it’s because I can’t get a good night’s sleep.  I don’t know.  I’m just lazy that’s what I am.  I don’t even make love to my wife anymore” said one athlete.

The organizers of the Depressed Olympics say that they have learned from their mistakes and that next year they plan to totally revamp the olympics.

“We’ve decided to get rid of track and field events and have competitions that are organic to depression such as a ‘lying on the couch staring at the ceiling’ contest, a ‘crying jag’ contest and an ‘ignoring loved ones while spending hours downloading porn’ contest.  We are excited about these changes and predict big things for next year.”

Cymbalta has signed on as the sponsor for next year’s Olympics.


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