President Obama today gave his much heralded talk to schoolchildren across the United States.  Obama started by thanking the children of America for giving him the opportunity to talk to them and reminisced about his days as a child.

“I know for many of you this is your first day of school.  There are many adjustments to make. I’m here today because I have something important to discuss with you.  I want to tell all you children to work hard.  Stay in school.  Get good grades.  I also want to stress how important it is to eat your vegetables.  I know many of you do not like vegetables but you  need to eat them so you will grow up healthy and strong.

“But foremost I want to take this opportunity to talk to you about the greatest threat facing America today – Zombie inundation.  For years zombies have been infiltrating American society.  Look around you.  Your parents are probably zombies.  Many of your teachers are zombies.

“Now  how can one tell if you are dealing with a zombie?  Pay close attention to the subtle signals:  Do they move in a slow awkward manner?  Are their eyes clouded over?  Does their language consist only of gutteral sounds?  Do they smell slightly of rotting flesh?  Check their hands for half-eaten body parts or brain matter.  Is blood dripping from their mouth?  If they have any or all of these symptoms then you are looking at a zombie.  Now don’t be alarmed schoolchildren of America.  You are not a zombie.  The zombie virus has a long gestation period.  Children seem to be immune.  So chances are if you are under the age of 18 you are not a zombie.

“Now, how do you kill a zombie?  Many of you probably would use a gun.  While guns are effective they have to be reloaded.  And when you reload you are vulnerable and give a zombie a chance to attack.  I prefer a machete.  Use short, chopping motions to sever the zombie’s head.  Once the zombie loses his head he is dead and the threat is over.  Let me show you.  It has come to my attention that my Vice President Joe Biden is a zombie.”

At this point in the speech President Obama brought in Vice President Biden and hacked his head off.

“One more thing.  When you are hacking off a zombie’s head try not to get any zombie blood on you, as that is a possible mode of infection  To recap.  Stay in school.  Work hard.  Get good grades.  Eat your vegetables.  Kill zombies.  Thank you and good day.”

As expected, President Obama’s speech proved controversial.  Many parents and educators were particularly upset about the extended talk about zombies.

“It’s hard enough trying to teach without my students coming at me with machetes” complained one educator.  Parents talked about how difficult it was to get their children to go to bed.  “Now my son has barred his door.  He says he’s going to chop my head off first chance he gets.  I knew once he signed up on Facebook it meant trouble.”

Presidential Press Secretary Robert Gibbs blamed criticism of the speech on the the “Pro-Zombie” element of the Republican Party.  He then tried to eat the flesh of several reporters.

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