House of Representatives to Move to Las Vegas

The chamber of the U.S. House of RepresentativesThe U.S. House of Representatives announced today that it will be leaving Washington D.C. after the 2010 legislative session.  Lorraine C. Miller, Clerk of the House of Representatives announced that due to declining revenue from ticket sales and lack of corporate sponsorship they will move to Las Vegas.

“We really had no choice.  D.C. had become financially untenable for the House franchise.  We tried everything.  We built special luxury boxes in the gallery with wifi access.  We upgraded the food menu in the gallery.  Instead of just hot dogs and beer we now offered sushi and wine.  We tried lowering our ticket prices and offering special ticket packages like the ‘Meet and Greet’ where ticket holders would be escorted to their seats by a congressman.  But nothing worked.  No one came to see us.”

Sources say that the final decision to relocate came when the House of Representatives was unable to secure corporate sponsorship past the 2010 legislative session.

“We tried to find a new corporate sponsor when Coors Brewing Company did not renew their contract.  Viagra looked promising but many of the Congressman who are currently using Viagra saw it as a conflict of interest.”

On top of all of this was the deteriorating physical condition of the House Chamber.  A engineering study found that it would cost several hundred million to refurbish the chamber.  The benches were old and hard and the ceiling was cracked in many places.  A chunk of the ceiling even fell down last February barely missing Representative Charles Rangel (D-NY) who called the near miss “a plot by Republicans to kill off the black man.”

It was at that moment that the decision to leave Washington was made.  Many locations were looked at but it boiled down to Philadelphia and Las Vegas.  Philadelphia had strong historical value but was rejected because, in the words of Earl Pomeroy (D-ND), “W.C. Fields was right about Philadelphia.”

Las Vegas will build a new chamber for the House of Representatives complete with luxury boxes, climate-controlled seating and a diverse food menu for the galleries.  They have also signed popular Las Vegas act Sigfried and Roy to open for the House.  “Ya, our little tigers zey vant to meet zee congressmen” said Roy.

In keeping with the gambling image of Las Vegas the House of Representatives will also be renamed “The House of Wheelers and Dealers.”

There is currently no word on whether the Senate will also seek to relocate.



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