Police today responded to a report of a cake deliberately left out in the rain.

“We received a call stating that what appeared to be a cake had been left out in the rain” said Detective James MacArthur.  “Naturally we were a little suspicious of the call.  After all, why would a cake be left out in the rain?  So we at first operated under the assumption that it was a bomb disguised as a cake.  Or maybe it was Verne Troyer, the delightfully zany ‘mini me’ from the Austin Powers movies disguised as a cake.  It could have been a quark, that fundamental constituent of matter.  Though why a quark would be disguised as a cake I don’t want to speculate.  It might have been a pie disguised as a cake.  But the bottom line is something was disguised as a cake and we had to be careful.”

The bomb squad approached gingerly, aware that the cake might explode at any moment.

“As we got closer and got a better look at the so-called cake my mind just could not take it.  It looked like it took a long time to bake it.  I hope whomever baked it wrote down the instructions because they might not have that recipe again.”

The area surrounding the cake was cordoned off.

“There were some old men playing chess by the trees that at first refused to leave.  But when we told them about the cake they became concerned and vacated the area.  There was a yellow cotton dress foaming like a wave on the ground around our knees.  We were concerned that it might be a decoy so snipers took the dress out.”

Because of the rain police had to act quickly to secure the cake.  A plastic tarp was placed over the cake, neutralizing the rain.  The cake was then transported to an FBI crime lab for analysis.

“We’ve run several tests on this so-called cake.  Spectral analysis.  Chemical analysis.  We even brought in Celine Dion to sing to the cake but so far nothing.  The cake has not revealed anything other than a certain chocolatey goodness.  Whomever designed this instrument of destruction certainly knew what they were doing.”

Sources close to the investigation say they haven’t seen a deception so convincing since William Faulkner, who upon his death was revealed to be a bag of wet cement.

The cake was charged with terrorism offenses under the Patriot Act and transported to a  maximum security facility.

Citizens have been advised that if they spot any other cakes left out in the rain not to approach under any circumstance but immediately call 911.

Al Queda took responsibility for the cake and issued a statement that read “You foolish Americans.  Do you not realize that we love death more than you love cake?  Your civilization will fall.  Well, maybe not a quickly as the New York Mets but it will fall nevertheless.”

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Husan Abdul Tariq used to love listening to music on his iPhone.  Then Al Quaeda cracked down.

“Our ringtones now have to be a muslim cleric reading a verse from the Koran” complains Tariq.  “F—–g sucks if you ask me.  I just want to kill westerners and listen to Rock and Roll.”

Ali Mahamed Yusof was sentenced to 25 lashes when Al Qaeda found him singing along to the popular 1970s hit “Convoy” on his iPhone.

The previous two examples highlight a growing problem for Al Qaeda in the battlefields of Afghanistan:  How to prevent western influences from corrupting their fighters.

The CIA conducted a month-long study and what they found surprised them.

“We discovered that 95% of the fighters in Afghanistan had Paul McCartney and Wings on their iPhones. More specifically the Back to the Egg CD, which in the official opinion of the CIA has always been under appreciated.  Before we did this research we just assumed that the Wu Tang Clan or the Black Eyed Peas would be the top musical favorites with the rebel fighters” said CIA Director Leon Panetta.

The CIA immediately put this new information to their benefit and programmed predator drones to zero in on the sound of Paul McCartney and Wings.

“This strategy worked well for the most part.  We did take out hundreds of Al Qaeda though we did end up killing a 43-year old mother of two in Ho-Ho-Kus New Jersey who liked to listen to Wings while doing her laundry.   We also killed former Wings members Laurence Juber and Steve Holly who were onstage at a ’70s music festival in Ohio.”

The CIA even went as far as shipping thousands of copies of the Koran to Afghanistan with the verses replaced by lyrics from songs on the Back to the Egg CD.

“They never knew what hit them” said Panetta.  “Once they started morning prayers with ‘Say you don’t love me my salamander’ the drones would come in and before you could say ‘cattle watch out for snipers’ they were toast.”

Al Qaeda responded by burning pictures of Wings in effigy.  They also banned all salamanders from Afghanistan.  Any salamander caught would be beheaded.  Al Qaeda’s war against the salamander worked until PETA members showed up in Afghanistan and started using their bodies as human shields to protect them.

The CIA is confident that their strategy of targeting Paul McCartney and Wings will lead to victory.

“The only thing that can stop us now is if the enemy started listening to John Lennon instead” said Panetta.

Paul McCartney could not be reached for comment.

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Jeff, a self-described “unmarried loner” from Poughquag, New York has proudly passed another year without committing any acts of violence.

“People talk all the time about prejudice against blacks, Jews, gay people but no one talks about prejudice against unmarried loners.  I”m tired of this.  Many of us live productive lives without being addicted to porn.  Hell I’ve never even had an obsession with a stripper.”

What Jeff points out is in fact a growing problem in the United States:  discrimination against unmarried loners.

“Nobody wants to have a cubicle next to me.  They think I’m going to go postal or something.  When everyone goes to lunch together and I stay behind I get knowing glances.  ‘Oh don’t mind him….he’s just an unmarried loner planning his next killing spree. ‘  That’s just not fair.  I’ve never been convicted of a violent crime in my life. ”

In high school Jeff was the popular class cutup.

“I was quite normal in school.  I wanted to be a policeman or a firefighter.  But then my guidance counselor told me that I was most suited to being a serial killer” says Jeff.  “When you are told that you have the natural ability to become a serial killer it does change your outlook on life.  So I got to thinking why waste my talents on a civil service job.”

After high school Jeff moved to California and entered serial killer school but was expelled for good behavior.

“In a year there I never committed an act of violence.  They said I was a disgrace and threw me out of school.  That really damaged my self-esteem for awhile.  I watched all my serial killer hopes and dreams fade away.”

His bitter disappointment got Jeff to thinking.

“Maybe my guidance counselor was wrong.  Maybe I’m just a loner.   My father was a loner.  My grandfather was a loner.  My great grandfather was a crossdressing satanist banjo player but his father was a loner.”

And so Jeff embarked upon a career as a nonviolent unmarried loner.

“The next time you see an unmarried loner don’t be afraid.   Say hello.  Many of us wear clothing beneath our rain coats.”

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Fox Television announced today that starting next year they will be making significant changes in how the World Series is presented.

“Although this year’s World Series had good ratings, we cannot guarantee that every year two big market teams like New York and Philadelphia will be playing.  So we’ve decided to use the strength’s that Fox has to revamp the format of the Series” said a Fox executive who spoke on condition of anonymity.

Full details have yet to be released but it has been confirmed that with next year’s series, the athletes will be replaced by actors on Fox television shows.

“Let’s face it we don’t know how athletes are going to perform in the Series.  They may strike out 8 times and that’s just boring.  Instead why not put a uniform on Hugh Laurie.  Think about the dramatic possibilities.  At the plate he notices something wrong with the pitcher.  He runs out to the mound just as the pitcher collapses of some unknown and horrid disease that only Dr. Gregory House can detect and cure.  Doesn’t that sound more exciting?  It’ll have the audience riveted and it’ll increase ratings.”

While these changes have yet to be approved by Major League Baseball Fox executives are confident that MLB will go along with whatever Fox has in mind.

“We pretty much own baseball and Bud Selig anyway so it’s just a formality having them sign off on what we want to do.”

Already Kiefer Sutherland, aka Jack Bauer of popular TV show “24” has signed on to play in next year’s World Series.  Kiefer will learn that terrorists have placed a dirty bomb inside the chest protector of the home plate umpire.  As Jack Bauer he will struggle to defuse the bomb while trying to protect his daughter and battling with his conscience, snipers in the bleachers and the nasty curveball of opposing pitcher David Boreanaz, Detective Seeley Booth of Fox’s popular show “Bones.”

Jeff Foxworthy of “Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader” will play a devoted father and baseball fan who tries to explain exactly what the infield fly rule is to his son.  Hilarity ensues as it turns out he is not in fact smarter than a fifth grader.

There is some opposition from baseball traditionalists.  Tim McCarver called the new format “The dumbest thing to happen to baseball since the DH and the Mets trading Nolan Ryan.”  McCarver was immediately fired by Fox.  He will be replaced in the broadcast booth by TV Chef Gordan Ramsay.

“That’ll lead to lots of conflict” said a Fox spokesman.  “I expect him to have Joe Buck in tears halfway through the first inning.  Now that’s exciting television.”

It is rumored that Cleveland from the new animated “The Cleveland Show” will throw out the first ball, though that had not been confirmed as of yet.

“We are looking forward to bringing baseball into the 21st Century” said a Fox spokesman.  “I think America will be excited by the changes.”

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Hoping to renew support for the so-called “Public Option”, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) appeared at a rally today along side legendary movie monster Godzilla, a long-time supporter of universal health care.

“I’d like to thank Godzilla for taking time out of his busy schedule be here today” said Pelosi as she introduced Godzilla.

Godzilla then spoke for several minutes about the struggle for the pubic option and how it will actually cut costs.

“Being an independent contractor I cannot afford health insurance.  The public option would mean that  nobody would have to worry about sudden, unexpected, catastrophic medical bills.  Over the years I have been fired upon many many times by the military. When you have an entire brigade shooting automatic weapons at you, not to mention jets firing missiles you are going to get hurt.  It’s a given.  And what happens when I show up at an emergency room?  The first thing they ask me is ‘Do I have insurance?’  The public option would mean that I and people like me would not have to make emergency room visits – visits that the public will ultimately have to pay for.”

As Godzilla spoke he warmed up to his subject.  Literally.  He shot out flames of fire from his mouth which burned several reporters.

“Sorry about that man.  My bad.”

After the fires were put out and reporters (who have health insurance) were taken away in ambulances Godzilla continued.

“Let me finish by saying that the public option would save so much money for me, and the taxpayers of America. And as long as I’m here how about exploring renewable energy?  Walking into a wind farm stings a lot less than walking into high voltage power lines.”

Speaker Pelosi concluded the press conference by again thanking Godzilla for his appearance.

 “Godzilla and I have much in common.  He is a prehistoric mutant feared for his destructive power and I am Speaker of the House.”

Despite Godzilla’s seemingly sincere support of the public option there are rumors concerning his motives.  A report aired on Fox states that Godzilla, who hasn’t had a job in Hollywood since his last movie with Matthew Broderick tanked at the box office is burdened by financial difficulties and is being paid for his appearances.

Godzilla denies this and said in a message on his web site that “Fox can bite me.  Or maybe I should just go over to their studios and breathe fire on someone’s ass.”

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