The world rejoiced when new parents Beyoncé  and Jay-Z welcomed their new daughter Blue Ivy Carter.  But explosive new allegations of preferential treatment for this important couple threatens to shake America to its foundations.

It is alleged that Beyoncé and Jay-Z placed private security in the maternity ward and that this security in effect “locked down” the natal intensive care unit preventing parents who aren’t as important as Beyoncé and Jay-Z from seeing their new children.  Said one person who was affected:

They just used the hospital like it was their own and nobody else mattered.  They locked us into the NICU and would say, “You can’t come out into the hallway for the next 20 minutes.  These are parents going through very stressful times.  To have the circus roll into town, having to deal with all this drama because someone is a superstar isn’t fair.

Defending the actions of his wife and himself, Jay-Z issued this statement:

First off, I’d like to thank all our fans for the good wishes they have given us on the birth of our lovely daughter.  It is comforting to have so many little people praying for us.

Now as for the allegations.  Yes, we did hire extra security during our stay in the hospital.  This is only normal.  When you are important like we are people try to take advantage of you. So yes, we “locked down” the NICU.  How are we to know that some father who is visiting the ward and crying because his child was born premature isn’t using that as an excuse to take a picture of us and sell it to the tabloids?  Little people sometimes do this.  And yes, one of my security guards did rough up a new father but that is only because this man turned his back on my guard.  And when you turn your back on my employee you turn your back on me, Jay-Z.  And when you turn your back on Jay-Z you commit lese-majesté, which obviously cannot be tolerated in our Republic.  I mean, the guy who was beat up – has he ever met President Obama?  Has he sat in the oval office? No?  I thought not.  That is all my subjects.

A spokesman for Lenox Hill Hospital where the power couple stayed said that it “is not unusual” to use extra security when dealing with celebrities.

“I mean, come on, if poor people want preferential treatment let them play basketball or rap.”

As for the unlucky man who was beaten by  Jay-Z’s security he is a different, humbled man who has learned his lesson.

“I have to be more respectful to my superiors.  Sure my child died when the NICU was locked down and I didn’t get a chance to see her but it’s not like she was Beyoncé’s kid so it doesn’t really matter.”

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A marijuana cigarette (aliases include “Mary Jane” “pot” and “reefer“) was arrested at a border checkpoint in West Texas today for possession of the rapper Snoop Dogg.

According to the local sheriff’s office it was after a border agent pulled the marijuana cigarette’s tour bus over that a sniffer dog detected the presence of Snoop Dog (real name Calvin Broadus) in the back of the bus.

Since this was not the first time that marijuana was caught in possession of Snoop Dogg the cigarette was immediately placed under arrest.

Through his lawyer the marijuana cigarette said that he has a prescription for medicinal Snoop Dogg in his home state of California because he suffers from migraines, blurred vision and the munchies.

“Be that as it may” said the sheriff “in Texas we have a zero tolerance policy towards Snoop Dogg.”

The arrest of the cigarette shocked and angered many of his friends.  Though it is well-known that in the past marijuana often bragged of his use of Snoop Dogg the cigarette was left alone as part of an unspoken détente between law enforcement and marijuana.  Many appear worried that this détente is now at an end.

With the arrest the debate over the possible decriminalization of Snoop Dogg will most likely come to the forefront again.

Speaking from his home Willie Nelson told reporters that “I’ve been using Snoop Dogg for years without any side effects.  And Snoop Dogg does not lead to anything stronger.  Well, maybe Mos Def but that’s about it.”

The spokesman for the Normalization of Snoop Dogg (NormSD) released a statement that said:

People are going to use Snoop Dogg.  You know that.  I know that.  So why not just let them?  Yes, in a perfect world Snoop Dogg use would be rare if not used at all but this isn’t a perfect world.  There are worse things people can use like alcohol or Vanilla Ice.  Some people just need Snoop to relax.  So I say be loud, be proud and use Snoop Dogg!

So far none of the candidates for President has spoken out publicly on the Snoop Dogg controversy but is it rumored that if Ron Paul is elected he will legalize him.

As for Mr. Dogg himself, he is quoted as saying, “I’m not that bad. It’s just that people have a need for me.”

The marijuana cigarette was released on bail and will have to appear in court in March.

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Recently I had the honor to sit down with the much-respected actress Ellen Barkin.  We discussed her career and topics of current interest.  I thank Miss Barkin for taking time out of her busy schedule to meet with me.

MI:  Thank you for meeting with me.  It’s not often I get an actress of your respected stature to visit me and my humble blog.

EB:  Are you a fascist?

MI:  No.  I’m a Capricorn actually.

EB:  You look like a fascist.  A fascist like Mayor Bloomberg and his goose-steppers in the NYPD.

MI:  Um.  Let’s talk about your career.

EB:  If President Obama, God bless the dear leader, loses the 2012 election America will turn into a police state.  No sh*t.  I’m terrified.

MI:  Do you have proof of this?

EB:  I don’t need proof.  I’m a progressive.  It’s an article of our faith.

MI: Back to your career.  Your breakout role was in the film Diner.

EB:  F#ck all of you.  Bloomberg and everyone goosestepping behind you.

MI:  I – 

EB:  New York City cops are arresting dark-skinned teenagers everyday.

MI:  Well to you I think an albino would be dark-skinned.

EB:  Silence fascist!  When Obama wins reelection you will be silenced!

MI:  Okay since you don’t want to talk about your career let’s switch subjects.  You support the Occupy Wall Street movement, don’t you?

EB:  Yes!  We are the 99 percent.  End corporate personhood!  You are the violence in this city!

MI:  What is it about the Occupy movement that attracts you?

EB:  I despise capitalism.  It oppresses the people.

MI:  Okay as long as we are on the subject of capitalism, you were married to Ron Perelman.

EB:  Your point?

MI:  My point?  He’s a very rich capitalist.  He left you 40 million in the divorce  settlement.

EB:  Fascist!  Fascist!  I should have expected a fascist like you to use dirty tactics.  I’m trying to free the people and redistribute the income.

MI:  Well why don’t you redistribute some of yours?

EB:  Fascist!  When Obama wins reelection you will be silenced!

MI: You already said that.

EB:  Silence fascist.  You shall be – 

MI:  You know what.  I’m out of here. You’re about as boring as an M. Night Shyamalan movie.

EB:  Fascist!  You shall be – 

MI:  Silenced I know.  Bye.

EB:  Where are you going?  I”m not crazy!  Bagel Street?  Don’t talk to me about Bagel street.   A terrible thing happened to me on Bagel Street.  A safe fell out of a 15-story building and killed me.

MI:  Well as long as you’re dead there’s no use asking you where the Susquehanna hat company is.

EB:  Susquehanna! Susquehanna!  That’s the hat I was wearing the day I was killed!  Susquehanna!

And so my interview with the respected actress ended.  Once again I thank Miss Barkin for her time.

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King Kong, the abnormally large primate, has been arrested, fined and released by the NYPD after his climb up the Empire State Building.

Speaking to reporters outside the Midtown South Precinct on 35th street where he was brought for booking, Kong expressed dismay at his arrest.

This whole thing was blown out of proportion.  Look, I’m just a tourist.  That’s all.  Millions of tourists come to New York City every year.  I just wanted to see the view from the top of the Empire State Building but I’m too big to fit in the elevator so I climbed up the outside of the bulding.  Who did I hurt?  I mean, besides the planes I swatted down?  I was just chilling and enjoying the view when planes showed up and started firing on me.  So I said to myself, “Self, this isn’t a good situation.”  So I climb back down.  And when I get to the ground the NYPD arrests me. For what?  They even made me pee in a cup!

For their part the NYPD is claiming that Kong’s climb up the Empire State Building represented a significant threat, frightened citizens, and in this time of budget cutting, resulted in significant costs in overtime for the NYPD and the sanitation department.

From police headquarters in One Police Plaza Ray Kelly, Commissioner of the NYPD said that Mr. Kong’s actions were illegal and that his department reacted appropriately to the threat.

We received reports that an abnormally sized primate was climbing up the side of the Empire State Building.  We immediately put our anti-terrorism task force into action, including helicopters and planes to stop the threat.  I am proud of our department.  I am proud of our actions.  Because of us no civilians were injured.  We did lose several uniformed officers when Kong deposited a pile of his feces onto 33rd street.  Several officers had to be dug out.  Some are still missing.  Mr. Kong has been charged with climbing up the outside of the Empire State Building without a permit and depositing waste onto a city street.  He has been released on his own recognizance.  

In addition to his trouble with the police, the FDA also would like to talk to Mr. Kong.  Margaret Hamburg, commissioner of the Food and Drug Administration has announced that she believes that Kong’s size is the result of “rampant abuse of steroids and HGH.”

In  a related note, after the disappointing end to their season, New York Jets coach Rex Ryan has expressed interest in talking to Kong.

“With his size he’d be an asset to our defensive line.  He can help us go to the Superbowl.  Next year.  Maybe.  I know I say that every year.  But I’m an idiot.  An idiot who likes feet.”

The only problem? Kong is currently under contract to Manchester United of the Premiere League.

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Popular mascot the Pillsbury Doughboy (real name Poppin’ Fresh) was slowly cooked today at 350 degrees resulting in a tasty treat.  Today’s events ended the life of “Pops” as he was known to his close friends.

The rise to fame and fortune of Poppin’ Fresh is one of the more remarkable stories in show business. Born in 1965 to a drug-addicted single mother Poppin’ Fresh spent most of his early life in foster homes.  A chance encounter with a Hollywood agent led to his hiring by the Pillsbury Company who were looking to replace their former mascot the Pillsbury Fire Ant who left to star in a dinner theater revival of The Pirates of Penzance.

From his first commercial Poppin’ was an instant success.  For the next ten years he was the face of the Pillsbury Company and his popularity was unrivaled.  In 1985 Time magazine named him the “Most Influential Anthropomorphic character since James G. Blaine.” 

A dispute with Pillbury over residuals led to his temporary firing in 2004.  However the outcry soon led to his rehiring.

After his rehiring Poppin’ supplemented his income with wildly popular personal appearances.

“Women loved him” said an executive with Pillsbury.  “I can’t explain it. They found him sexy. I mean he was only six inches tall, had no genitalia and was whiter than Edgar Winter but they still loved him.”

It was at one of these personal appearances that the end came for Poppin’.   Sources report that he had just been poked in the stomach by a woman when she left him alone with her daughter.  The daughter then proceeded to pick up Poppin’ and place him in the oven.

Poppin’ screamed and banged on the oven door shouting “Jesus Christ I’m being baked alive.  For the love of God let me out!”

As the end neared and Poppin’ had turned a toasty brown he lost the ability to formulate words and would just moan.

The woman returned to the kitchen and found the lifeless Poppin’ in her oven.

“Naturally I was horrified.  Horrified but hungry” she told police.

After removing Poppin’ from her oven she proceeded to eat him.  The woman appeared to be unfazed by the fact that she ate a popular mascot.

“I know that Poppin’ lives.  And as often as I eat him I proclaim his death until he comes again.”

The Pillsbury Company expressed sorrow over the incident and has started looking for an anthropomorphic character to replace Poppin’.  Rumor has it that the heavy favorite is G.I. Joe.

“I just got back from Iraq and need a job” said Joe. “This could help me re-assimilate into civilian society.”

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