Hell to Offer Personal Seat Licenses

You want a seat in Hell? You have to pay the price!Faced with the reality of a changing economic situation, Satan has announced that all souls tortured for eternity will now have to purchase a Personal Seat License (PSL).

Speaking from his vacation home in Long Island, Satan said, “Yeah, I didn’t want to have to do this. But economic reality is economic reality.   And if the Jets and the Carolina Panthers can do it why not Hell?”

Shortly after the new year condemned souls were sent the following form letter:

Dear condemned souls:

Thank you for your loyalty to Hell.  For the third decade in a row Hell has beaten out Detroit as the destination of choice for the condemned.  I and my fellow demons thank you.

However we cannot continue to give you the top notch services Hell provides without making upgrades.  As many of you know, our boiler needs to be replaced.  Several times last year the boiler stopped working and the temperature in Hell plummeted from 1000 to a comfortable 72.5 degrees Fahrenheit.  Imagine my embarrassment when I discovered the souls in my charge were no longer roasting in flames!

Also, I am planning an upgrade of Hell.  As you know we are running out of space and our temporary expedient of housing the overflow condemned in Philadelphia cannot continue for much longer.  

So raising cash is a priority and PSLs are the best way of doing it. 

What’s in it for me you may ask?  Well, by buying a PSL you will be guaranteed the same seat in Hell.  In addition you can transfer your PSL to a soul you’d like to see condemned.  (Perhaps your accountant or the man your wife left you for?)

Please reply to this letter ASAP. Do not lose your seat in Hell!


Satan’s plan to offer PSLs has proved controversial.  From his location in the seventh circle of Hell, Adolph Hitler expressed his concerns:

I like it where I am. I don’t want to move.  I’m comfortable here.  I’m closer to the action and the demon who’s in charge of disemboweling me for all eternity is a real nice guy.  We have a good relationship.  I’d prefer not to buy a PSL but I guess it’s just the price I’m going to have to pay to maintain my position.

Another condemned soul who prefers to remain anonymous told reporters that “contrary to popular belief not everyone who goes to Hell is rich. I can’t afford a PSL and I don’t want to go to Detroit.  It’s always the little guy who gets screwed.”

Indeed many of the condemned have started talking about a class action lawsuit against Satan.  The good news?  Plenty of lawyers in Hell.

“Sucks about that” said Satan.  “I may have to raise my standards to exclude the lawyers.”

Condemned souls have until February 12th to buy a PSL or lose their seat.


5 Responses

  1. Man, Beelzebub is totally slacking anymore. He simply shouldn’t be running Hell if he can’t keep the fires stoked.

    Those condemned souls should start an “Occupy-Infernum” operation. Oh wait…

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Shamus: I think its time he got another job. He’s lost his mojo.

  3. Matt says:

    You know, it’s a sad day when even Satan sells out. He’s such a 1%er!

  4. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Matt: Raise Satan’s taxes. It’s time he paid his fair share!

  5. MK says:

    “Plenty of lawyers in Hell.”

    Yes but can’t satan just over-rule them and beat the shit out of them if he doesn’t like what they say.

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