Pillsbury Doughboy Cooked for 15 Minutes at 350 Degrees

Jesus Christ I’m being cooked alive!Popular mascot the Pillsbury Doughboy (real name Poppin’ Fresh) was slowly cooked today at 350 degrees resulting in a tasty treat.  Today’s events ended the life of “Pops” as he was known to his close friends.

The rise to fame and fortune of Poppin’ Fresh is one of the more remarkable stories in show business. Born in 1965 to a drug-addicted single mother Poppin’ Fresh spent most of his early life in foster homes.  A chance encounter with a Hollywood agent led to his hiring by the Pillsbury Company who were looking to replace their former mascot the Pillsbury Fire Ant I am a Pirate King! who left to star in a dinner theater revival of The Pirates of Penzance.

From his first commercial Poppin’ was an instant success.  For the next ten years he was the face of the Pillsbury Company and his popularity was unrivaled.  In 1985 Time magazine named him the “Most Influential Anthropomorphic character since James G. Blaine.”  James G. Blaine, popular anthropomorphic character

A dispute with Pillbury over residuals led to his temporary firing in 2004.  However the outcry soon led to his rehiring.

After his rehiring Poppin’ supplemented his income with wildly popular personal appearances.

“Women loved him” said an executive with Pillsbury.  “I can’t explain it. They found him sexy. I mean he was only six inches tall, had no genitalia and was whiter than Edgar Winter but they still loved him.”

It was at one of these personal appearances that the end came for Poppin’.   Sources report that he had just been poked in the stomach by a woman when she left him alone with her daughter.  The daughter then proceeded to pick up Poppin’ and place him in the oven.

Poppin’ screamed and banged on the oven door shouting “Jesus Christ I’m being baked alive.  For the love of God let me out!”

As the end neared and Poppin’ had turned a toasty brown he lost the ability to formulate words and would just moan.

The woman returned to the kitchen and found the lifeless Poppin’ in her oven.

“Naturally I was horrified.  Horrified but hungry” she told police.

After removing Poppin’ from her oven she proceeded to eat him.  The woman appeared to be unfazed by the fact that she ate a popular mascot.

“I know that Poppin’ lives.  And as often as I eat him I proclaim his death until he comes again.”

The Pillsbury Company expressed sorrow over the incident and has started looking for an anthropomorphic character to replace Poppin’.  Rumor has it that the heavy favorite is G.I. Joe. I need to reassimilate into civilian society

“I just got back from Iraq and need a job” said Joe. “This could help me re-assimilate into civilian society.”


7 Responses

  1. innominatus says:

    Did my previous comment disappear into the æther?

    Here’s another shot at it:

    I dig this post. It has obscure references, sexual innuendo and a little heresy in there, too. Something to please everybody.

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Inn: it must have disappeared. Hascash is acting up now.

    James G. Blaine would be proud to be mentions in the pages of Manhattan Infidel.

  3. Matt says:

    No one, NOTHING, is whiter than Edgar Winter.

  4. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Matt: I dunno. I think Poppin’ Fresh would give Edgar a run for his money.

  5. MK says:

    Hey there Infidel, hope you have been well. Happy new year to you.

    GI Joe? I thought it’d be Captain America.

  6. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Welcome back MK. I hope you had a great Christmas. The blogosphere wasn’t the same without you.

  7. Vlad Teppes says:

    Oh my how I wish I saw that on a video. He had it coming a long long time.

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