Upon waking up this morning wearing woman’s clothing and heavily bruised refreshed and ready to great the day I decided to pick up the morning papers spend 15 minutes vomiting and checking my backside for new tattoos to see what I would write about.
After spending an hour watching The View studiously reading the New York Times and the Wall Street Journal and taking notes on all the articles I can’t read I still had no subject for today’s post.
In short, I was facing a quandary. Much like Robert E. Lee when he had to decide between taking command of the Union Army or resigning his commission and fighting for the Confederacy or Barney Frank when he has to decide which Twilight movie to watch I was at a crossroads.
My public I am delusional expects me to write about current events. And as a card-carrying member of the Main Stream Media I have a responsibility to present the facts vote Democratic.
And so readers like a member of the Main Stream Media I now give you the facts make the whole damn thing up.
Presenting breaking news and subjects for today’s post:
NANCY PELOSI CRUSHES BALL SACKS!!
Former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has come under fire after it was discovered that she likes to crush ball sacks while singing Gilbert and Sullivan show tunes.
Said Pelosi, “It’s true. I’ve been doing this for years. It helps me relax. I ask the forgiveness of my colleagues in congress and my constituents. Hey you….yeah you. Get your ball sack over here!”
MICHELLE OBAMA ADMITS SHE’S A ROMULAN!!
First Lady Michelle Obama admitted today, when questioned about her past, that she is actually a Romulan.
“I am from the Romulan Empire. And the Romulan Empire is a compassionate empire where capitalism is outlawed and socialism is the chief economic system. We Romulans care for everybody who happens to be in our Empire. Except for the Klingons. They can go to hell.”
JOE BIDEN ADMITS HE SOMETIMES GET CONFUSED!!
Vice President Joe Biden, speaking to a phone booth in Jackson Hole, Wyoming admitted that he sometimes gets very confused.
“I sometimes lose touch with reality” admitted the VP. He then waited patiently inside the phone booth for Dr. Who to show up. At press time he was still in the booth.
And that readers is the latest news that’s fit to print make up.
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I can’t hate on Biden for that one. Who hasn’t stood outside of a phone booth waiting for Doctor Who?
Back in 1982, I once spent a fortnight camped out next a phone booth in Hoboken thinking Tegan Jovanka and Nyssa of Traaken were going to invite into the Tardis to check out their, ummmm, “time-travelling techniques.”
Shamus: Okay, well this time we’ll cut uncle Joe some slack.
This is the kind of completely truthful, hard hitting reporting that we’ve come to expect from Manhattan Infidel.
Keep up the good work.