Here at Manhattan Infidel I am continually humbled by the Hollywood superstars who want to drop by for an interview.  And today is no exception.  I am pleased to have with me Mark Wahlberg, star of the new movie……well I’ve forgotten the title.  No big deal.  I heard it sucks anyway.

MI:  Good morning Mr. Wahlberg.

MW:  Do I frighten you?  You look frightened.

MI:  No…no actually I’m not frightened.

MW:  You should be.  I’m Mark Wahlberg.  I’m a bad ass.  I crush aluminum cans with my butt cheeks.

MI:  I see.

MW:  I arm wrestle kindergartners.  And win.

MI:  Okay.

MW:  And then I crush them with my butt cheeks.   

MI: You mentioned you were a bad ass.  Let’s talk about that.  You’re an action movie star.  You recently mentioned in an interview that if you were aboard the flight hijacked by Mohammed Atta on 9/11 things would have been different.  That you would have battled the terrorists.  That, and I’m quoting, “There would have been lots of blood in the first class cabin and then me saying, ‘OK, we’re going to land somewhere safely.  Don’t worry.’ ”

MW:  Yes.  That’s true.  I would have crushed Mohammed Atta’s face with my butt cheeks.  They can crush anything.  Did you know that my butt cheeks have won first prize in the butt cheek crushing competition five years in a row?

MI:  I – I did not know that.

MW:  Let me demonstrate.  Give me your cat. 

Cat: Meow.

MW:  [Placing cat between his buttocks.]  AAAAAAAAAAA!  Butt clench! [spurt of blood]

MI:  Oh now that’s disgusting.

MW:  Don’t worry.  Your cat felt no pain.  Only the awesome pleasure of being inside my butt cheeks.

MI:  I have to clean that up.  I’m going to ask you to leave now.

MW:  Would you like to get inside my butt cheeks?

MI:  No.  Please leave.

MW: You have a plant over there!  Hey plant.  My name is Mark Wahlberg.  I’m just going to talk in a very positive manner, giving off good vibes.  We’re just here to use the bathroom and we’re going to leave.  I hope that’s okay.

MI:  Please leave.  Please leave now.

MW:  I think your plant sees me as a threat.  Maybe I should crush it with my butt cheeks?

MI:  Goodbye.

And so ended my interview with Mark Wahlberg who can currently be seen in the new movie that I’ve forgotten the name of but I hear it sucks.

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