Good evening MSNBC viewers.  I’m Chris Matthews reporting tonight from the pivotal state of Florida.   The polls have ended and Florida Republicans have overwhelmingly voted for the intelligent candidate Mitt Romney.  I’m joined by chief political correspondent Chucky Chuck Chuck Chucky Chuck Todd.  Good evening soul brother.

Chuck Todd:  Thank you Chris.  

Chris Matthews:  What do you make of Romney’s overwhelming victory tonight?

Chuck Todd:  Republicans have woken up. They now know that voting for Gingrich is stupid.  Gingrich is stupid.  Those who vote for him are stupid.

Chris Matthew:  I agree.  Normally the mental inferiority of Republicans vis-a-vis we Democrats is manifest.  But by voting for Romney some of our intelligence has rubbed off on these stupid crackers. By the way, you’re from Florida aren’t you?

Chuck Todd:  Yes I was born and raised in that stupid abomination of a cracker state.  But being a Democrat I was smart enough to leave.

Chris Matthews: You don’t have a cracker accent.

Chuck Todd:  As a liberal Democrat I abhor southern accents.  A southern accent is ipso facto evidence of stupidity.

Chris Matthews:  Thank you Chucky Chuck.  I’m joined next by MSNBC carpet muncher Rachel Maddow.  Rachel, any comments on the election results.

Rachel Maddow:  Chuck, these results are a victory for intelligence – 

Chris Matthews:  Ever use a strap-on?

Rachel Maddow:  Intelligent people do.

Chris Matthews:  Thank you Rachel.  If you have just joined us the end of the world has been postponed.  Stupid, fat Newt Gingrich with his stupid fat accent has lost.  A northern Republican, granted as a Republican he is still by definition stupid and racist just not as much as a southerner, has won the  primary.  I’m Chris Matthews and I’m hungry.  I’m joined by Pope Sharpton, spiritual leader of the black race.  Pope Sharpton I’m hungry.  Where is my pizza?

Al Sharpton:  I do not have your pizza!  I am a respected political correspondent!

Chris Matthews:  You slay me!  Seriously where’s my pizza?

Al Sharpton:  Resist we – 

Chris Matthews:  Good night Al.  Don’t dare come back without my pizza.  I’m Chris Matthews and if you’re just joining me smartness is good.  Stupidity is bad.  Smart Republicans have chosen the man without the cracker accent.  I’m Chris Matthews and I now return you to your regularly scheduled program:  “Lockup with Stupid Tattooed Crackers.”

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Here at the worldwide headquarters you gonna eat that? of the unstoppable journalistic juggernaut seriously you gonna eat that?  known as Manhattan Infidel we pride ourselves on our infrequent parole violations ability to bring only the best information to our viewers around the world I don’t care if the bagel fell on the floor I’m hungry give it to me.

Many of my readers stop me in the street after I have stolen their wallet to ask me, “Hey, Manhattan Infidel you are a wise man.  What should I do if confronted by a liberal outbreak?”

Like zombie outbreaks, outbreaks of liberals are much to be feared.  Like zombies, liberals evoke a visceral reaction in survivors: Fear.  Panic.  An overwhelming urge to shoot the advancing horde followed by a desire to flee.   This is normal and you should not feel guilty for having these thoughts.

However one must resist the urge to shoot a liberal.  Remember, he’s probably a lawyer and will sue you. (But not before calling you stupid.)

And so, in keeping with Manhattan Infidel’s mission statement of visiting every strip club in the Northeast providing useful and practical information I know present what to do in case of a liberal outbreak.

• Step One:  Stop! 

If you find yourself confronted by a liberal outbreak your first instinct will be to look for an exit.  However, the exits might already be blocked by a socialist who will be handing out Che Guevara t shirts. Do not panic!  Immediately stand still.  Cease any movement.  Liberals, like dinosaurs, can only see moving objects.

• Step Two:  Drop! 

If you find yourself in the mist of a liberal outbreak drop to the ground, covering your face with your hands.  By doing this you confuse the liberal. Also the oxygen will be thicker closer to the ground decreasing your chance of suffocating from progressive rhetoric.

• Step Three:  Roll! 

The victim of a liberal outbreak must roll on the ground in an attempt to brush off the socialist rhetoric.  This will also have the added benefit of extinguishing the liberal by depriving him of oxygen.  If you are on a rug or one is nearby try rolling the rug around yourself to further extinguish the liberal flames.

Just follow these steps and you increase your chances of survival in the liberal apocalypse.  Also, these techniques may be enhanced by telling a liberal that “Jesus loves them.”  Jesus is liberal kryptonite.

And there you have it readers.  It has been my pleasure to impart this timely and practical advice.  Come on.  Are you going to eat that? The bread is still good.  I just have to wipe off that blue stuff.

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In his annual State of the Union address, President Obama took the opportunity to once again tout the Buffett rule, named after singer Jimmy Buffett, which would require that secretaries have as much access to margaritas as their millionaire bosses.

Warming to his subject President Obama challenged congressional Republicans.

“Why should a millionaire like Jimmy Buffett have more margaritas than his secretary?” Obama asked rhetorically as Democrats applauded.  “Doesn’t his secretary deserve to have as many margaritas as her boss?  Is it fair that she can’t?  Is this the America we want to live in?”

President Obama then blamed congressional Republicans for the deadlock in Margaritaville.

I’ve been  strumming my six string on the front porch swing of the White House smelling the shrimp from the White House kitchen they’re beginning to boil.  But what’s missing here?  A lost shaker of salt!  Republicans are trying to deny Americans their shaker of salt.  They believe only the rich should have salt shakers. Is this the America we want to live in?

This line brought the most prolonged applause of the speech. Democrats rose to their feet holding salt shakers above their heads.

When the applause died down President Obama continued.

I don’t know the reason I stayed in Washington all season.  I blame the do-nothing congress.  I have nothing to show but this brand new tattoo.  It’s a real beauty.  A Mexican cutie.

The President then dropped his pants to reveal his brand new tattoo.  Sitting behind him, Vice President Biden clapped his hands and shouted “I have a tattoo too!  Franks and beans!  Franks and beans!”

Like I said, why should hard working men and women of the middle class of America be forced to search for lost shakers of salt?  Some claim there’s a woman to blame for this.  Hell I don’t know.  But I’d just like to say that back in the White House there’s booze in the blender and soon it will render that frozen concoction that helps me hang on.  All Americans should have access to a blender that will render a frozen concoction that helps them hang on.  Especially in this tough economy.

President Obama then closed his speech by announcing his signature legislation, the so-called “Shaker of Salt” bill.

This bill will give all Americans access to margaritas.  This bill will give all Americans a shaker of salt.  This bill will restore fairness to our country! My fellow Americans god bless you. Good night.

From Iran, President Ahmadinejad blamed the margarita discrepancy on Israel.

“Have you ever looked at Israel on a map? It looks like a shaker of salt.  The Zionists are responsible!”

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The political season is in full swing.  Primaries have come and gone.  Candidates have bowed out.  And soon it will be time to choose a candidate to run against President Obama in 2012.   And with this choice comes many questions.  Should the Republicans choose the most “electable” candidate (as electability is defined by the press and the Republican leadership)?  Should a candidate be chosen that represents tea party principles and one vowed to dramatically cut spending?  Should Manhattan Infidel stop hanging around playgrounds offering candy to high school girls?  But what if they are hot?  And so with these questions in mind over the weekend I conducted a totally scientific phone survey.

Note:  This phone survey has a margin of error of +/- 100 percent.

Being a hard-working productive type drunk stumbling home after the bars closed I started my survey at 5 AM Saturday morning.

• Should Republicans settle for Mitt Romney?  After all the  point is to get a candidate elected.

55% answered “Yes.  Let’s be realistic.”  35% said they preferred another candidate.  Seven percent answered “Who the hell is this? Do you know what time it is?”  Two percent answered “Yes I am naked why do you ask?” and one percent responded, “Help me please.  There’s a man in my house and he’s got a gun!”  

To that one percent I say “Hey lady I have my own problems.”

• Should the prospective Republican nominee pledge to uphold the ninth and tenth amendments and curb the power of the Federal government?

An astonishing 85% answered in the affirmative.  “We are in a crisis” “The Feds are out of control” and “The government has too much power” were some of the typical comments.

Ten percent answered no.  “Now is not the time” and “Lets just worry about getting Romney elected” they told me.

Four percent answered “Look, I already told you I’m naked what the hell do you want”  and one percent answered “Please. He has a gun. I’ve barricaded myself in the bedroom but I don’t know how long I can hold him off.”

To the one percent I answer, “Invest in Gold!  And a home security system.”

• Should there be a constitutional amendment seeking to pay off the debt and/or the deficit?

On this question there was much unanimity.  93% answered yes.  Three percent said no.  Three percent said, “No you can’t come over and watch me sleep naked!” and one percent said “Oh god he’s breaking down the door. Help me!’

To the one percent I say, “It’s all about you isn’t it?”

• Are you into it?  I can provide my own nipple clamps if you’re worried about cost. 

On this question the response was varied.  53% “Hot diggity dog!”  (I’m paraphrasing of course.  The actual words might have been more like “pervert!“)  35% replied, “Nasty boy when can you come over?” (Though again the actual words may have been more like “Stop sending me photos of your junk.”)  Six percent replied “What the hell does this have to do with the election?”  Five percent told me that if I did not stop asking them if they slept naked they would get a lawyer and one percent responded, “Don’t shoot me!  For the love of god don’t shoot!”

To the one percent I politely ask what the hell does this have to do with my nipple clamps?

• Seriously.  Nipple clamps baby.  Nipple clamps! 

An astonishingly high 75% hung up on me.  20% replied “For the last time stop asking me if I sleep naked.  The hell with a lawyer I’m coming after you.”  Four percent replied “Do you hang out at Fitzgerald’s Pub often?”  36% replied “I am not good at math” and one percent said, “I’m shot!”

To the one percent I say, “You are dead to me!”

And there you have it readers.  Once again I thank all those who participated in the survey, especially those who were sleeping naked.

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