The political season is in full swing.  Primaries have come and gone.  Candidates have bowed out.  And soon it will be time to choose a candidate to run against President Obama in 2012.   And with this choice comes many questions.  Should the Republicans choose the most “electable” candidate (as electability is defined by the press and the Republican leadership)?  Should a candidate be chosen that represents tea party principles and one vowed to dramatically cut spending?  Should Manhattan Infidel stop hanging around playgrounds offering candy to high school girls?  But what if they are hot?  And so with these questions in mind over the weekend I conducted a totally scientific phone survey.

Note:  This phone survey has a margin of error of +/- 100 percent.

Being a hard-working productive type drunk stumbling home after the bars closed I started my survey at 5 AM Saturday morning.

• Should Republicans settle for Mitt Romney?  After all the  point is to get a candidate elected.

55% answered “Yes.  Let’s be realistic.”  35% said they preferred another candidate.  Seven percent answered “Who the hell is this? Do you know what time it is?”  Two percent answered “Yes I am naked why do you ask?” and one percent responded, “Help me please.  There’s a man in my house and he’s got a gun!”  

To that one percent I say “Hey lady I have my own problems.”

• Should the prospective Republican nominee pledge to uphold the ninth and tenth amendments and curb the power of the Federal government?

An astonishing 85% answered in the affirmative.  “We are in a crisis” “The Feds are out of control” and “The government has too much power” were some of the typical comments.

Ten percent answered no.  “Now is not the time” and “Lets just worry about getting Romney elected” they told me.

Four percent answered “Look, I already told you I’m naked what the hell do you want”  and one percent answered “Please. He has a gun. I’ve barricaded myself in the bedroom but I don’t know how long I can hold him off.”

To the one percent I answer, “Invest in Gold!  And a home security system.”

• Should there be a constitutional amendment seeking to pay off the debt and/or the deficit?

On this question there was much unanimity.  93% answered yes.  Three percent said no.  Three percent said, “No you can’t come over and watch me sleep naked!” and one percent said “Oh god he’s breaking down the door. Help me!’

To the one percent I say, “It’s all about you isn’t it?”

• Are you into it?  I can provide my own nipple clamps if you’re worried about cost. 

On this question the response was varied.  53% “Hot diggity dog!”  (I’m paraphrasing of course.  The actual words might have been more like “pervert!“)  35% replied, “Nasty boy when can you come over?” (Though again the actual words may have been more like “Stop sending me photos of your junk.”)  Six percent replied “What the hell does this have to do with the election?”  Five percent told me that if I did not stop asking them if they slept naked they would get a lawyer and one percent responded, “Don’t shoot me!  For the love of god don’t shoot!”

To the one percent I politely ask what the hell does this have to do with my nipple clamps?

• Seriously.  Nipple clamps baby.  Nipple clamps! 

An astonishingly high 75% hung up on me.  20% replied “For the last time stop asking me if I sleep naked.  The hell with a lawyer I’m coming after you.”  Four percent replied “Do you hang out at Fitzgerald’s Pub often?”  36% replied “I am not good at math” and one percent said, “I’m shot!”

To the one percent I say, “You are dead to me!”

And there you have it readers.  Once again I thank all those who participated in the survey, especially those who were sleeping naked.

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