My Exclusive Interview with Captain Crunch

The soggies have won!For years Captain Crunch (full name Horatio Magellan Crunch) was the most popular children’s cereal.  Captain Crunch was acclaimed, respected and enjoyed.  But then the fickle hand of fate, dietary trends and pressure from the White House ended Captain Crunch’s once seemingly invulnerable perch atop the cereal chain.  In March of last year, Pepsico, Inc., the parent company of Quaker announced that they will no longer market him.  Since then the Captain has been an officer without a portfolio with nothing to do but wait for retirement.  Recently I sat down with the Captain for this exclusive interview.

MI:  Good morning Captain.

CC:  Good morning.  I’m grateful for the opportunity to get my side of the story out.

MI:  Okay let’s start with that.  How did all this come about?

CC:  Well one day I got a call from the White House.  Michelle Obama wanted to speak to me.  She was concerned about the obesity epidemic in America and didn’t like that fact that I contained 12 grams of sugar in a single serving.

MI:  And what was your response to her concerns?

CC:  I’m afraid I didn’t handle it too well.  I lost my temper and asked her what part of the f#($ing constitution gives her the f#$#ing right to monitor the f#*#ing cereal children eat.  I apologize for my language.

MI:  You’re a sailor.  Sailors are supposed to have salty language.   But back to the First Lady.  What happened after that?

CC:   Well it seems she didn’t like someone pissing in her cornflakes, to borrow a phrase.  She went to Pepsico and told them to stop marketing me.  Next thing you know I’m being called into the home office and told that I had two choices:  Accept a demotion to Commander or retire.  Me?  The Captain accept a demotion?  I should be an f#($ing Admiral for f#$ing Christ’s sake.  I mean, all the joy I’ve given children throughout the years.

MI:  I admit I used to eat you for breakfast all the time when I was a kid.

CC:  See.  And didn’t you enjoy eating the Captain? Didn’t you enjoy putting me in your mouth?

MI:  Um.

CC:  Tasting me.  Taking all of me in your mouth and letting it go down your throat?

MI:  Okay. Well I thank you for your time.

CC:  Yeah, you liked that didn’t you?  Come on.  Take the Captain. Take it all!  You know you f#$*ing want it.  Gag on the Captain!

MI:  What the hell –

CC:  I’m sorry.  It’s just that….just that since the First Lady forced me to retire I haven’t been on a ship.  I miss the companionship of a couple hundred men living together. Enjoying each others company.  Showering together.  Manly naked wrestling matches.  No women whatsoever to ruin our manly pursuits.

MI: Um.  Your fly – it’s down.

CC:  Oh my.  How did that happen.

MI:  I’ll just let myself out.

CC:  Come back anytime.  You can be my first mate.

And so ended my interview with the Captain.  Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go take a shower.


4 Responses

  1. innominatus says:

    The Captain was so PO’d he nearly kicked Michelle in the Crunchberries.

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Inn: Beware the wrath of Crunch!


  3. Matt says:

    Never mess with cereal characters. I hear they’re a rough bunch.

  4. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Matt: All I can say is it’s never a good idea to take away a man’s livelihood in the name of a puritanical ideology, whether it be building a pipeline or being a breakfast cereal mascot.

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