New York City today mourns.  Staten Island Chuck, a symbol of the resiliency, vibrancy and life of our fair city, is dead, murdered by Mayor Bloomberg.

As part of the traditional Groundhog Day celebration at the Staten Island Zoo, Chuck, a peace-loving and gentle groundhog emerged from his burrow.  But before he had a chance to see his shadow Mayor Bloomberg, perhaps in revenge for a 2009 incident where Chuck bit him, strangled him in front of astonished and horrified onlookers.

“The mayor literally squeezed the life out of him” said one woman.

“I haven’t stopped crying” said another.

“My children keep asking me what death is” declared a third woman.

For his part Mayor Bloomberg defended his actions.

I have a responsibility as the ruler of all New Yorkers to make sure that the quality of life remains high.  When I picked up Staten Island Chuck I was amazed at how overweight he was.  There can be no doubt that soda is to blame.  He probably is chugging down a few liters of Pepsi every day.  By killing him I prevented him from getting diabetes from all the sugar.  I saved him from having to get a limb amputated.

Bloomberg also maintained that he had a moral responsibility to kill Chuck and that leaving him alive would have been sinful.

It is my job to warn all New Yorkers about the dangers to their soul caused by sense-excitation, which as we all know is the gateway to concupiscence.  Staten Island Chuck excited the senses putting the lives of my subjects in jeopardy.  You’ll thank me for this one day. 

However many are not buying the Mayor’s explanation.  Salil Shetty, Secretary General of Amnesty International expressed outrage.

This was a judicial murder carried out by the state.  I ask all enlightened people to contact Mayor Bloomberg and tell him that in today’s day and age the death penalty is not an acceptable option.

Staten Island Chuck leaves behind a wife, Clarice and six young groundhogs.  Speaking to reporters the grieving widow reminisced about the first time she him.

I was love at first sight.  He was so cute. He was floating on a log in the Arthur Kill playing with his genitals and making mating noises.  He looked just like Pee Wee Herman.  I knew he was the woodchuck for me.  Well, at least until the next mating cycle.

Per Staten Island Chuck’s last will and testament his body will be placed by fellow groundhogs on logs before being set on fire.

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