June 28, 2062.  Year 45 of the Socialist Republic of America.

Today America celebrates the spiritual birthday of our great Socialist Republic.  And with the passage of 50 years it is time to take a look back at the momentous events of 2012-2017.

Shortly after 10 a.m. on that morning the supreme court, led by the hero John Roberts, who courageously defied the bitter clingers of capitalism, announced by a 5-4 verdict that the health care mandate was constitutional under the powers of taxation.

Immediately right-wingers, intolerant, non-compassionate and selfish began complaining of the increase in their taxes.  Today, from the distance of 50 years it seems strange that people would object to the voluntary raising of their taxes for a good cause.  But it was a less enlightened time.  Would that they could all see us today, where the average person gets almost 60 percent of their income taken out in tax penalties.  Do we like it?  Of course not.  But look how much better off we are.  Being forced to change our way of lives, our diets and the cars we drive has made us all better, more compassionate citizens.

However, our moral progress did not come without bumps.

A secession movement began after the announcement.  Twenty seven states, mostly in what was formerly called “fly-over country” tried to annul the federal mandate.  They were manfully defeated by the father of our socialist republic, the great Barack Obama.

Of course the Catholic Church, as part of their war on women objected.  Many of their bishops, led by Cardinal Timothy Dolan tried to incite civil disobedience in their attempts to turn the clock back to the 19th century.  But they were not to succeed.  Dolan was arrested and the Church lost its tax-exempt status.  Bishops were required to take loyalty oaths swearing to uphold the health care provisions.  Those who refused were sent into exile.  Dolan himself would never see freedom again, dying in jail.

Again it seems, from the distance of fifty years, incredible that the Church was allowed to undermine the fabric of the state.

The election of 2012 also saw the end of the Republican party, the last obstacle to socialism and equality.  After President Obama’s reelection the majority of registered Republicans, quite rightly disgusted with their party though for the wrong reasons, formed a new party dedicated to “the constitution and interpreting it as the fathers wanted.”

Deluded people.  By 2012 the constitution was over 100 years old.  There is no record or document that shows what the white slaveholders desired.  Though we can be sure it was racist.

Thankfully this new “constitution” party did not last long.  A grateful people, seeing the many benefits of Obama’s health care law and the free benefits it gave them, soon came over to the cause of socialism.

Like the Republicans before them, the constitution party vanished into history.

By 2016 the old constitution was abrogated and replaced by a new one.  Modern.  Compassionate.  Socialist.  President Obama won a third term that year and at his inauguration on a chilly January day in 2017 officially promulgated the New Socialist Republic of America.

And we are all better for it.

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Over the past four years I have watched our country torn apart by those bitter clingers who refuse to acknowledge the justice of redistribution of wealth.  I have watched as the bitter clingers have harassed the brilliant constitutional mind of Barack Obama.  Obama, perhaps the smartest man in the world and definitely the smartest man ever to become President.  I have watched our dear leader who rules us with firmness, equity and redistributive justice slandered by the bitter clingers.

It is time to help him!  President Obama needs our prayers.  We must reelect this man!  Do we want Europe to laugh at us?  Do we want the Muslim world to laugh at us?  Do we want Massachusetts, California and Oregon to laugh at us?  I ask everyone in the fly-over states to put aside their natural sluggishness of intellect and vote for our President.  Accordingly, by the powers invested in my as a F.O.O (Friend of Obama) I have composed the following pro-Obama prayers. I ask all to recite them day and night until the mind of Obama is safely ensconced in a second term.

The Obama Prayer

Our Obama, who art in Washington D.C., by way of Chicago, by way of Hawaii by way of Indonesia, by way of Kenya

Hallowed be thy socialist name

Thy socialist kingdom come

Thy socialist will be done

In America as it is in much smarter Europe

Give us this day our daily redistributed bread

And forgive us our doubts as to the compassion of socialism

As we punish our enemies and the other

And lead us not into capitalism

But deliver us from self-reliance

Prayer to the Guardian Obama

Obama of the omnipotent nation-state, my guardian dear

To whom His love commits me here

Ever this day be at my side, giving me government handouts

To light and guard against free markets, to rule and guide my thoughts words and speech.  Amen

My Morning Offering to the Constitutional Scholar

Oh Obama, through the most pure heart of Bill Ayers, I offer you all my income, works, joys and sufferings from stupid conservatives of this day, for all the intentions of Your Sacred Socialist Heart, in union with all the socialists of Europe, in reparation for the racism of capitalism and in particular for the intentions of the holy father Ted Kennedy.  Amen.

An Act of Adoration to Obama,

O great Obama, the sovereign lord of the United States, greater than even our Constitution, which after all was created by white slave holders, I prostrate myself before thee.  With all the redistributionists I adore Thee, I acknowledge Thee to be my one true love, my first thought in the morning and my last thought at night. I render to Thee the homage of my being, life and income.  I submit myself to Thy holy socialist will, and I devote myself to the Thy divine and very smart service this day and forever.

Blessing Before Meals

Bless us, O Obama, and these thy gifts, which  we are about to receive from thy federal government’s bounty. Through Michelle Obama our protector of diets.  Amen.

Grace After Meals

We give Thee thanks, almighty Obama, for all thy benefits; Who livest and reignest, forever and ever, once we get the Constitution modified to make you President for life.  Amen.

And there you have it readers.  A few prayers to our Lord of Redistribution that we should all say every morning and evening.

For we shall love the Lord Obama with all our heart, with all our soul, with all our mind and we shall love Federal employees as ourselves.

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In a tense stand-off that nearly resulted in tragedy, President Obama while speaking at a NALEO (National Association of Latino Elected Leaders) luncheon had the secret service confiscate all forks and knives before the President would speak to the association.

“This is standard operating procedure” said a Secret Service agent at the luncheon.  “We have to protect the President.  Besides, cut him some slack.  If you were a black man would you want to be surrounded by a bunch of Latinos with knives?”

According to another agent present at the luncheon:

Normally we’d just stop and frisk but that would be racist so we decided to profile the bunch.  Not that any of us has ever seen a Latino before.  Well, except for Natalie Wood and George Chakiris from West Side Story.  In fact we were confused and didn’t believe they were Latinos at first. None of them were snapping their fingers and dancing while singing “When you’re a Jet you’re a Jet all the way from your first cigarette to your last dying day.”  But when they started asking for knives and forks we knew they were Latino and took appropriate action.

Per Secret Service regulation, whenever the President is attending a “uni-ethnic” luncheon, no matter the ethnic race precautions are taken.

We don’t worry that much about multi-ethnic events.  We figure they’ll start attacking each other before the President arrives.  But these uni-ethnic events are troublesome.  They might view Obama as “the other” and decide to take him out according to their own ethnic tradition.

The agent cites as examples the following:

• When addressing a group of German-American business owners the Secret Service barred all “short Austrians with mustaches” from attending the event.
• During an address to an Italian-American organization the Secret Service took extra precautions including checking the overhead tanks in the bathroom for hidden pistols and ensuring that horse head was not on the menu.

The President isn’t even allowed to address Irish-American events anymore.

Don’t get us started on the Irish.  Once the beer bottles start flying everyone is in danger.  The last one of those I went to some Irishman hugged me and called me his brother.  When I told him I didn’t like to be hugged he said  “Póg mo thóin” and gave me the finger.  I don’t know what Póg mo thóin means but I’m sure it’s bad.

According to those close the President, Obama is perplexed by the uproar over banning forks and knives.

“I’m letting the damn Hispanics stay in the country.  What more do they want from a brother?”

President Obama’s press secretary Jay Carney maintains that despite the knife and fork episode President Obama is a friend to Latinos.

President Obama wants to move forward in partnership with Latinos and hopes that his message of tolerance, inclusiveness and punishing your enemies resonates with Hispanics.

There has been no comment from the NALEO leadership.

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Like all those suffering from mental illness oh God my synapses are misfiring again! patriotic Americans I find myself concerned about the constant leaks issuing from the Executive Mansion.  Using my background and training working the counter at McDonalds  in special ops I had the opportunity to gain entrance into the White House and find out for myself.

At precisely nine in the morning I arrived at the gates to the White House.

“I’m here about the leaks” I told the guards. “In the name of the Constitution and national security I demand you let me in!”

Much to my surprise I was let in.  I guess they were feeling guilty and wanted the truth revealed.  I was introduced to White House Chief of Staff Jacob Lew.  Fixing him with my trademark steely glare I declared in my stentorian voice, “I’m here to find out the truth about the leaks!  And you can’t stop me!  The American people have a right to know!”

No doubt intimidated by my manly profession of virtue Mr. Lew led me down to the sub-basement of the White House.  Once there he opened up a closet and told me that the “leaks come from within” and we both proceeded to enter the room.  I assume we had to meet here as it was the most secure location in the White House and he was worried about maintaining his cover.

“Shall I call you ‘Deep Throat’ ” I asked him.

“No. You can call me. Mr. Lew.  Now fix the leak!  You are a plumber right?”

I smiled to myself.  A manly smile of a manly man determined to expose corruption.  How Nixonian of these people to use the term plumber.

“Let’s get to it” I said.  “I’m a man on a mission!”

Lew then handed me an object I had never seen before. No doubt this is what was used to smuggle out the leaks.

“What is this?” I asked.  “Is there a microchip on it somewhere that has the information?”

“It’s a pipe wrench you f#$#ing moron.  Now fix the leak!”  He then directed me to some overhead pipes.

Perhaps these pipes were the source of the leaks?  Perhaps these pipes contained some secret microchips?  I attacked the pipes with manly vigor, attempting to wrest them from their place on the ceiling.

“What the hell are you doing?” Lew screamed as the pipes burst forth a torrent of water, soaking us both.

I immediately apprised my situation.  Water was now up to my knees and a steady stream of water was hitting me in the face and going up my nose.

Perhaps they were on to me?  Perhaps they were attempting to waterboard me to keep the truth from the American public?

With my usual manly vigor I yelled at Lew.

“You can waterboard me but you can’t stop the American people in their righteous anger from finding out the truth!”

Lew called security who dragged me out of the White House and deposited me, still wet, onto Pennsylvania Avenue.

My first attempt may have failed readers but I will be back.  I always come back.  I’m like Columbo.  Or herpes.

Now if you’ll excuse me I must take a month off to plot my next covert operation in the White House.  And I have to see a doctor.  I think getting soaked gave me a cold.  I feel achy all over and I have a fever.  A manly fever that is.

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