Yankees Win; Manhattan Infidel Wears Ugly Pants

“Well that kind of puts a damper on even a Yankee win.” ~ Yankee announcer Phil Rizzuto reading a news bulletin announcing Pope Paul VI’s death, 1978


Tonight I traveled to the only borough in New York City that is on the mainland of the United States (officially known as “Da Bronx”) to see the Yankees play the Cleveland Merciless Indian Savages Native Americans.

The Yankees started Phil Hughes (8-6 4.48) and the 1/32 high-cheekboned Cherokees started Justin Masterson (4-7 4.09).

The Yanks got on the board in the bottom of the second.  After Nick “Voted the Most Annoying Man in Baseball by his Peers” Swisher reached on a fielder’s choice he moved to second on a Dewayne Wise single. Catcher Chris “Francisco Cervelli where are you?” Stewart singled him home. On a 2-2 count Curtis Granderson then singled home Wise and Stewart.  3-0 Yankees after two.

In the bottom of the fifth Granderson led off with a walk and then went to third on a Robinson Cano single.   He later scored on a Mark Teixeira sacrifice fly.  4-0 Yankees after five.

In the bottom of the seventh on a 2-1 count Alex Rodriguez homered to deep left.  5-0 Yankees after seven innings.

In the bottom of the eighth the aforementioned annoying Swisher led off and took the count to 1-2 before singling.  He moved to third on pinch hitter Andruw Jones’ single and then scored on a Stewart sacrifice fly.  6-0 Yankees after eight.

As has been the case lately Phil Hughes showed the promise of 2007 and 2010, pitching eight scoreless innings allowing six hits while striking out four and walking one before being lifted in the ninth for Corey “Eh, not so effective” Wade.

Jason Kipnis led off the top of the ninth and on a 3-1 count doubled.  He scored on a Johnny “Welcome back” Damon single.  After Damon Casey Kotchman singled and Jose Lopez hit a three-run home run.  The ineffective Wade was lifted for Rafael Soriano who recorded his 16th save.  Final score:  Yankees 6 High-cheekboned Native Americans 4.

Notes on the game:

Never say that the Yankees don’t care about their fans.  Tonight the first 18,000 in attendance were given t shirts.  The next 18,000 were punched in the face by bench coach Tony Pena. Fortunately I was one of the first 18,000 in attendance.

This week is “Hope Week” for the Yankees, a yearly occurrence where Yankee players contribute to local charities.  What about  my charity?  The “I hope Manhattan Infidel Gets Olivia Wilde”  charity? Come on Yankees!  Show a blogger some sympathy.

Help Manhattan Infidel get Olivia Wilde!

Though I would settle for Lauren German.

Help Manhattan Infidel get this woman!

Or Amanda Righetti.

Help Manhattan Infidel get Amanda Righetti

In the top of the ninth I was accosted by a very drunk female fan who took issue with pants.  “Why are you wearing those pants? Women hate those pants.  We find them very unattractive!” For the record, these were the pants I, the Manhattan Infidel, was wearing:

Very unattractive pants

Michael Pineda injury watch:

The out-for-the-season Michael Pineda Children are delicious! was present at Yankee Stadium today.  After the free t shirts and the punches in the face by Tony Pena the last fans in attendance had their livers eaten by Pineda, who with his bare hands opened a a wound in the unfortunate fans and pulled out the liver, eating it raw.  Well, at least it wasn’t a Big Gulp.

Best heckle of the game:

I tried but my heckle of “We are all going to die one day!’ didn’t fire up the crowd.  Perhaps it was my thick Dutchess County New York accent.  People sometimes have a hard time understanding Poughkeepie speak.

Recommended reading material:

The Aeneid of Virgil:  A verse translation by Allen Mandelbaum. “I sing of arms and of a man/his fate had made him fugitive”

Reader mail:

The infamous reprobate known as M.B. of Brooklyn writes, “I too have always found your pants to be very ugly.”

I’d expect as much from someone who works in publishing.

T.S. of Queens, New York writes, “Dude, your pants are just not fashionable.”

Yeah like I’m supposed to listen to a man who is proud to hail from Philadelphia.

L.K of New Jersey writes, “I like your pants.”

Your just saying that so I won’t tell the police about the 37 (or is it 38) bodies you have buried in your backyard. Or that you stole the remains of legendary race horse Secretariat and have it stuffed and mounted in your basement.  Or that your mohawk is actually a toupee.

On a completely unrelated note:

King Shamus you magnificent bastard I read your book. By that I mean I had a Sam Adams Cherry Wheat Ale (brewed with real cherries). While not as ugly as my pants I do like the flavor.

And so my record so far this year stands at 5-2.  My next game is Tuesday July 31st against the  Baltimore Orioles

Go Yankees!



4 Responses

  1. Your pants are fine. But something you said has confused this feal mind:
    “Merciless Indian Savages ”
    I thought they played cricket in India? What’s the deal? No wonder the Yankees won.

  2. If women don’t like those pants, then she doesn’t know good women. The good kind of women like a well-dressed man, not some boy in ratty jeans. I approve of the choice.

  3. T.S. of Queens says:

    I did not say that “those pants” weren’t fashionable. I am being taken out of context. It is like being on Fox News and being misrepresented with their liberal media bias!
    It was a pant-less party and you showed up wearing pants, a belt, and suspenders.
    (btw- you do not need a chastity belt)

    Go Flyers!

  4. innominatus says:

    I’d yell “BOOOOO!” at your fashion choices, but you’d probably just say I was yelling about that Eucalyptus dude that got traded the other day.

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