Like all those suffering from mental illness oh God my synapses are misfiring again! patriotic Americans I find myself concerned about the constant leaks issuing from the Executive Mansion.  Using my background and training working the counter at McDonalds  in special ops I had the opportunity to gain entrance into the White House and find out for myself.

At precisely nine in the morning I arrived at the gates to the White House.

“I’m here about the leaks” I told the guards. “In the name of the Constitution and national security I demand you let me in!”

Much to my surprise I was let in.  I guess they were feeling guilty and wanted the truth revealed.  I was introduced to White House Chief of Staff Jacob Lew.  Fixing him with my trademark steely glare I declared in my stentorian voice, “I’m here to find out the truth about the leaks!  And you can’t stop me!  The American people have a right to know!”

No doubt intimidated by my manly profession of virtue Mr. Lew led me down to the sub-basement of the White House.  Once there he opened up a closet and told me that the “leaks come from within” and we both proceeded to enter the room.  I assume we had to meet here as it was the most secure location in the White House and he was worried about maintaining his cover.

“Shall I call you ‘Deep Throat’ ” I asked him.

“No. You can call me. Mr. Lew.  Now fix the leak!  You are a plumber right?”

I smiled to myself.  A manly smile of a manly man determined to expose corruption.  How Nixonian of these people to use the term plumber.

“Let’s get to it” I said.  “I’m a man on a mission!”

Lew then handed me an object I had never seen before. No doubt this is what was used to smuggle out the leaks.

“What is this?” I asked.  “Is there a microchip on it somewhere that has the information?”

“It’s a pipe wrench you f#$#ing moron.  Now fix the leak!”  He then directed me to some overhead pipes.

Perhaps these pipes were the source of the leaks?  Perhaps these pipes contained some secret microchips?  I attacked the pipes with manly vigor, attempting to wrest them from their place on the ceiling.

“What the hell are you doing?” Lew screamed as the pipes burst forth a torrent of water, soaking us both.

I immediately apprised my situation.  Water was now up to my knees and a steady stream of water was hitting me in the face and going up my nose.

Perhaps they were on to me?  Perhaps they were attempting to waterboard me to keep the truth from the American public?

With my usual manly vigor I yelled at Lew.

“You can waterboard me but you can’t stop the American people in their righteous anger from finding out the truth!”

Lew called security who dragged me out of the White House and deposited me, still wet, onto Pennsylvania Avenue.

My first attempt may have failed readers but I will be back.  I always come back.  I’m like Columbo.  Or herpes.

Now if you’ll excuse me I must take a month off to plot my next covert operation in the White House.  And I have to see a doctor.  I think getting soaked gave me a cold.  I feel achy all over and I have a fever.  A manly fever that is.

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