Following up on yesterday’s post where I revealed to my readers the news that Lassie had been arrested for suspicion of setting the Colorado wildfires, today I have the privilege of interviewing the out-on-bail Collie.

MI:  Good afternoon Lassie.

Lassie:  Good afternoon. It’s good to be here.  I appreciate the opportunity to get my story out.

MI:  As a condition of your bail you have to wear a paw-monitoring bracelet. How is that for you?

Lassie:  It’s a bitch but it does have benefits.  The ladies dig it.  They say it makes me seem dangerous.

MI:: Interesting.  So.  You’re gay right?

Lassie:  Huh?

MI:  Well I heard today that a major Hollywood superstar was coming out of the closet.  And there is no one bigger than Lassie.

Lassie:  That was Anderson Cooper you moron.

MI:  Anderson Cooper gay?  Yeah right.  Next thing you’ll tell me Ricky Martin is gay.

Lassie:  He is. They both are!  They are both gay!

MI:  Do you hang out with them? Maybe go to gay socials together?

Lassie:  What the hell are you talking about?  And what the hell is a gay social?

MI: You tell me.  You’re the gay one.

Lassie:  For the last time I’m not gay!  Now can we talk about the charges against me?

MI:  So you’re not gay?

Lassie:  Well if you fill up my food dish I might sniff your groin.  But that’s simply Quid pro quo, not a lifestyle thing.

MI: I see.  Not a lifestyle thing.  So I’ll ask you again.  Are you, Lassie, gay?

Lassie:  No!

MI:  No?  What about this photo?

MI:  Or this one?

Lassie:  These are stills from movies I did.  My character is beloved by children.  I help them.

MI:  Right.  It’s simply the character you were playing.  Or might one say you were playing yourself.  Lassie, the gay dog?

Lassie: God you are a f#%**g idiot!

MI:  I don’t know.  I think my questions have been very nuanced.

Lassie:  Who did you say you were again?

MI:  I’m the Manhattan Infidel.  I have a very popular blog.

Lassie:  You told me you were with the New York Times! And you’re nothing but a blogger?

MI: Sometimes in the pursuit of a big story one must resort to subterfuge.

Lassie:  Get the hell out!  I swear I am so close to biting you in the groin!

MI:  Interesting that you would want to attack my groin.  And you insist you’re not gay?

Lassie:  That’s it.  This interview is over.  You’re a motherf#$## idiot.

And so ended my interview with the recently out-of-the-closet gay dog Lassie.  It was a difficult story to break but I, the Manhattan Infidel, will spare no pains to bring the facts to my readers.

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