Police along the I-95 corridor are on the lookout for a serial groper who attacks women in truck stops.  The groper, who calls himself “El Vice Presidente” targets biker women and without their consent engages in physical contact.

“It was gross” said one victim of El Vice Presidente.  “I was just hanging out having a coffee and this creepy old man asks me to sit on his lap.”

Realizing she was dealing with the infamous groper, and fearing for her safety she agreed.

“He then started touching me all over.  I could smell alcohol on his breath.”

She was about to ask him to stop when one of the groper’s gang, who were all wearing suits and ties and carrying guns told her to “Chill bitch.  Let El Vice Presidente touch you.”

It was the presence of the groper’s gang that inflamed the other bikers the most.

“Look we’re used to old white men coming in here asking to touch the female bikers.  It’s a fetish and we tolerate them.”

“But this pervert brought his gang with him.  They all had guns and were wearing sunglasses so you couldn’t see their eyes.  It was intimidating.”

Another biker agreed.

“I just had to sit there while this old man felt up my woman.  Normally I wouldn’t take it but our gang doesn’t carry weapons.  I asked one of his gang what their name was and he said ‘The Secret Service.’  The SS?  What kind of fascists are these?”

A third biker was so disgusted by the display he pulled out his rosary.

“We just stopped off for some coffee before Mass. I don’t know El Vice Presidente’s story.  But he seems lost.  I’ll pray for him.”

After violating the personal space of the female biker the serial groper known as El Vice Presidente left with his gang, but not before promising, some say threatening, to come back with his “black daddy.”

Police are asking all bikers to remain calm if they come in contact with El Vice Presidente.

“If you see him ask him for his card.  We can use that to track him.  He’ll probably give it to you.  God knows he doesn’t seem to intelligent” said a trooper.

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On this the 11th anniversary of the attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon we at the worldwide headquarters of the unstoppable journalistic juggernaut known as Manhattan Infidel have decided to compile the careers of the major players of that days events.

Note:  Because all of the planners of 9/11, with the exception of Dick Cheney are dead I have had to use my journalistic skills and instincts to provide a narrative that I believe, while factually incorrect, is filled with “truthiness.”

Osama Bin Laden

The alleged mastermind behind the 9/11 attacks was actually a mild-mannered tax lawyer who loved America and the environment and hated “fracking” which he believed was bad for Mother Earth.

“I love America and would have moved to it” said Bin Laden in his last interview before being assassinated by order of Dick Cheney.  “But Americans are so puritanical.  In Afghanistan I can get free birth control for my 57 wives.  I can’t do that in America.”

Dumped into the Indian Ocean after his illegal assassination, Bin Laden now spends most of his time being consumed by marine organisms.

“Sucks. But all in all, not as bad as living in Philadelphia.”

It’s good to know that this brave environmentalist has not lost his sense of  humor.

Mohamed Atta

Progressive liberal Democrat, defender of woman’s rights and  advocate of free birth control for all women, Mohamed Atta agreed to pilot the decoy plane that buzzed the North Tower moments before it was brought down by a controlled explosion. He was also a lawyer for public sector unions.

“I was concerned that Bush would return America to the 19th Century where a public sector worker would not have the right to retire at 55 on a full pension paid for by the taxpayers.”

Betrayed and assassinated after safely piloting his 747 to the ground, Atta remains a hero to all in the progressive moment.

Ziad Jarrah

The pilot of United Airlines flight 93 which crashed outside Shanksville, Pennsylvania remains something of a mystery to 9/11 investigators.  His original plan was to fly his plane to Washington D.C., and circle the Capitol with a banner which said, “Sub-prime mortgages are compassionate.”

As to why he crashed his plane the consensus seems to be that there were probably too many Jews on his flight and that the Jews stormed the cockpit in an attempt to crash the plane in a populated metropolitan area. Because that’s what Jews do.  However Jarrah, being the devout Muslim that he was, found this offensive and bravely steered the plane to a deserted field where it went down, at the cost of his own life.

Dick Cheney

One of the undead, this vampire is consumed with hatred for the human race and mother Earth.

This creature of the night hatched the 9/11 plan in an attempt to drive up oil prices and increase profits for his company, Halliburton.

Unsuccessful in his attempt after President Obama bravely ended the Iraqi and Afghani wars, he is now on the run.  Because he is on the run he is not able to replenish himself with a supply of fresh human blood.  As a result he has changed form and now resembles a bat/human hybrid.  Senseless and desperate for blood he attacks anything he comes into contact with.

If you see a bat/human hybrid be forewarned:  It is probably Dick Cheney and you should run for your life.

And there you have it readers.  An account of 9/11 that is chock full of truthiness.

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 Note:  The following email has been sent to all citizens and undocumented illegals residing in the United States.

Greetings to all beneficiaries of rights granted by the United States Government!  As the campaign season begins let us all step back a moment to embrace the many benefits of belonging to the United States Government.

Government is the only thing that we all belong to.   We’re different churches (some unfortunately like the Catholic Church who continue to wage war on women), different clubs (some like the Boy Scouts who unfortunately continue to wage war on the differentially-sexed) but we’re together as a part of our Government.

Think about that for a second.  These different clubs and religions, some like the Catholic Church who continue to preach a “Jesus” who is superior to the Government, believe in different things.

And as these churches and clubs believe in different things than the Government, how can they be valid?  Aren’t they points of disagreement?  Envy?  War?  

The Government cares for all that belong to it.  Once again we urge all to come to the Government. 

Come to the Government, all you who labor at businesses you didn’t build, for the Government’s tax burden is easy for those who make less than $200,000 and its debt is light for those over 65 years of age.

And so, to all those who belong to the Government we would like to close by saying, “We the Government of the United States of America, in order to form a more Powerful Union, establish social justice for those who need free birth control, promote the Government’s welfare and secure the blessings of Government to ourselves do ordain and establish that you the citizen belong to us.”

And remember, the white man is racist.

Note:  The following is the abbreviated Spanish-language email.

Un saludo a todos los beneficiarios de los derechos otorgados por el Gobierno de los Estados Unidos!

El hombre blanco es racista!

Note:  The following is the abbreviated Morse Code version.

 –. .-. . . – .. -. –. … / – — / .- .-.. .-.. / -… . -. . ..-. .. -.-. .. .- .-. .. . … / — ..-. / .-. .. –. …. – … / –. .-. .- -. – . -.. / -… -.– / – …. . / ..- -. .. – . -.. / … – .- – . … / –. — …- . .-. -. — . -. – ? / – …. . / .– …. .. – . / — .- -. / .. … / .-. .- -.-. .. … – ?

Note:  The following is the French-language version.

Zee Government izz zee locksmith of love, no?  Zee white man is racist, no?

Note:  The following is the official Martian translation.

People who don’t belong to the Government make me angry.  Very angry indeed.  I shall be forced to use my Illudium P-36 Explosive Space Modulator on those who don’t belong to the Government.  And any non-green man is racist.

Note:  The following is the official People’s Republic of California translation.

Dudes and Dudettes.  You belong to the Government man.  Doesn’t that blow your mind?  And any life form that isn’t the Delta Smelt is racist.

Note: This is the official People’s Republic of Massachusetts translation:

Wow. You have very high cheekbones.  Are you part Cherokee?  Doesn’t matter.  You still belong to the Government.

And there you have it readers.  You should be getting this email soon.

Remember. You belong to the Government.  But you didn’t build it.

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For as much as many have taken in hand to set forth in order a narration of the things that have been accomplished by Barack Obama among us according as they have delivered them unto us, who from the beginning were eyewitnesses, it seemed good to me also, the Manhattan Infidel, to write that you, the reader, may know the verity of Obama’s acceptance speech.

And it came to pass, after Vice President Biden speaketh to the Democratic National Convention that President Obama took the stage and addressed his followers:

Madame Chairwoman, delegates, I accept your nomination for President of the Government we all belong to.

Ours is a fight to restore the values that built the largest middle class the world has ever known; the values my grandfather, a typical white person, defended in Patton’s segregated army.  

They knew they were part of something larger – a nation that triumphed over capitalism, the rule of law, private property and the sanctity of contracts.

I ran for President because I am the person you have been waiting for.

I won’t pretend that the path I am offering is quick and easy.  Or fast and furious.  It will require common effort, shared responsibility and the kind of bold, persistent slide into socialism that Franklin Roosevelt, another typical white person, pursued. 

I’ve met workers in Detroit and Toledo who feared they’d never build another American car.  We reinvented a dying auto industry that is back on top of the world.  What?  They’re bankrupt again?

I’ve signed trade agreements that are helping our companies sell more goods to millions of new customers – goods that are stamped with these proud words:  Made in America by the Government you belong to.

 After thirty years of inaction, we raised fuel prices, I mean standards, so that by the middle of the next decade, cars and trucks will go twice as far on a gallon of gas.  Though by then everyone will be using high speed rail.

 And yes, my plan will continue to reduce the carbon pollution that is heating our planet – because climate change is not a hoax. Rising sea levels are not a joke. Fortunately as I stood at the water’s edge I raised my hands and prayed for the redistribution of ocean levels.

 Government has a role in this.   Because Government is the only thing we all belong to.  Especially now that I’ve left Jeremiah Wright’s church. 

 Around the world, we’ve strengthened old alliances, except for England and Israel, and forged new coalitions with traditional friends like Russia, Syria and Iran.

 Now, I’m still eager to reach an agreement based on the principles of my bipartisan debt commission. It’s my commission and I’ll cry if I want to.  No party has a monopoly on wisdom.  That monopoly belongs to me.

As citizens, we understand that America is not about what can be done for us.  It’s about what can be done by us, together, through the hard and frustrating but necessary rule of the Government we all belong to.

So you see, the election four years ago wasn’t about you.  It was about me.  My fellow citizens – I was the change.

Yes, our path is harder – but it leads to a better place.  A place of socialism  Yes our road is longer – but we travel it together.  Even though you didn’t build it.

Thank you, I bless you, Michelle blesses you and we both bless the Government you are beholden to.

And when he had finished speaking the delegates eyes were opened and they knew him.  And the delegates said one to the other:  Was not our heart burning within us whilst he spoke in the way and opened to us the Government we all belong to?  And rising up, the same hour, the delegates went back to their hotel rooms, saying:  Barack will be reelected indeed.

Now whilst they were speaking these things Barack stood in the midst of them and said:  The Government be to you.  It is I.  Fear not.  But they being troubled and frightened supposed that they saw a Republican.  And he said unto them: Why are you troubled?  See my hands and my feet and see that it is I myself.  Handle, and see.  For a Republican hath not flesh and bones as you see me to have.  Then Barack saith:  Have you anything to eat?  A cheeseburger perhaps?  And they offered him two cheeseburgers and some Honeycomb cereal.

And he said unto them:  These are the words which I spoke to you while I was yet with you, that all things must needs be fulfilled which are written in the Democratic Party platform.   Then he opened their minds, that they might understand socialism.  And he said to them, thus it is written that remission of capitalism should be preached in his name, unto all nations, beginning from Jerusalem, which may or may not still be mentioned in the party platform.  I don’t know. The voice vote was pretty close.

And he led them out as far as the outskirts of Charlotte.  And lifting up his hands he blessed them.  And it came to pass while he blessed them that he departed from them and was carried up to Washington D.C.  And they adoring went back to Charlotte with great joy.  And cheeseburgers.

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The Democratic National Committee was privileged to have a traditional Cherokee warrior, Elizabeth Warren, give a rousing speech to the 2012 convention.

Wearing a traditional Cherokee red jacket, black blouse and traditional Cherokee I.D. badges around her neck, Warren began her speech with a traditional Cherokee greeting:

Thank you!

She then introduced herself to the white audience, who seemed enthralled by the exotic native American in their mist.

I’m Elizabeth Warren and this is my first Democratic Convention.  Never thought I’d run for Senate.  When I was growing up on the reservation the only options open to a Cherokee woman of color were being a squaw – what you Europeans call a wife – and going from reservation to reservation letting people admire my high cheekbones, a traditional Cherokee trait.

Warming to her theme of the many grievances that peoples of color have in America, this proud, beautiful, native American warrior continued:

I’m here tonight to talk about hard-working Cherokee people.  People who cook dinner and help out with homework – also traditional Cherokee activities.  My three brothers all served in the military.  They were windtalkers.  They used their native Navajo, er, I mean Cherokee language to outwit the Nazis. People feel the system is rigged against them.  And here’s the painful part:  they’re right.  The system is rigged.  Look around you. Unless you are white you will not succeed in America.  Wall Street CEOs, no doubt the descendents of Custer and other racist native American haters, still strut around Congress, no shame, demanding favors, and act like we, the peoples of color, should thank them.  I was so enraged by them I had to limit their donations.

Americans are fighters.  I should know.  My people the Apaches, I mean the Navajos, I mean the Cherokee were driven from our lands by fighters.  We had bows and arrows.  They had guns.  The system was rigged then and it’s rigged now.

Several times her speech was interrupted by applause and shouts of “Tell it like it is, Lizzie” and “I never realized white people were so evil!”

Emboldened by their support, Warren spoke about President Obama and his vision for America.

President Obama believes in a level playing field.  No longer will the white man torment peoples of color with their superior technology.  In President Obama’s America we will either all use bows and arrows or we will all use firesticks, which is what the Navajo, er, I mean the Cherokee call rifles.

She then returned to her past and how it fits in with President Obama’s vision.

I grew up in a Methodist Church and taught Sunday school.  One of my favorite passages of scripture is, “White man speak with forked tongue”, which I believe is from Matthew’s Gospel.  The passage teaches about God in each of us, and how the white man cannot be trusted.  We are called to act.  Not sit around our teepees.  

Senator Kennedy understood that call.  Four years ago he addressed our convention for the last time.  He said, “I think I was in an accident and killed a woman.  But of course I’m suffering from a concussion and shock so the facts are hazy.”

So let me ask you America.  Are you ready to answer that call?  Joe Biden is ready. Barack Obama is ready.  I’m ready. Your ready.  America’s ready.  We’re all ready.  I’m a Pepper. He’s a Pepper.  She’s a Pepper.  Wouldn’t you like to be a Pepper too? Be a Pepper.  Drink Dr. Pepper.

As the crowd rose to her feet she closed in traditional Cherokee fashion.

Thank you and God bless America. Vote for President Obama!

Would that the Republicans had only invited a woman of color to their convention!

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