Today at Manhattan Infidel I am pleased to interview none other than the legendary Robin Hood himself.

MI:  Good afternoon.

RH: Ahoy there good fellow.  What brings you to the shire?

MI:  I’m a reporter.  If you don’t mind I’d like to ask you a few questions.

RH:  Anything for the press.  Say, you haven’t seen the Sheriff of Nottingham snooping around have you? 

MI:  No. I haven’t seen him.  Now what is your full title?

RH:  I am Robin, Baron of Locksley, Earl of Sherwood and Nottingham and lord of all the lands and manors appertaining thereto.

MI:  Impressive.  You must be quite rich.

RH: I am a nobleman.

MI:  So what do you do for a living?

RH: I steal from the rich and give to the poor.

MI:  What?

RH:  I said I steal from the rich and give to the poor.

MI:  So you take from the 1 percent, who pay most of the taxes and give to the so-called 99 percent. Many of whom pay no taxes at all?

RH:  I take from the greedy rich yes.  At some point you’ve made too much money.

MI:  So you’re a socialist?

RH:  I believe in the redistribution of wealth.  Yes sir.

MI: Whose wealth?

RH:  Why the filthy selfish rich, sir.

MI:  But not your own wealth?  You seem quite rich.  You have lots of land.

RH:  I need my wealth.  It enables me to steal from the rich and give to the poor.

MI:  So you are exempt then from your own principle of wealth redistribution?

RH:  [Pause]  I give to the poor.

MI:  You give other people’s money to the poor.  Other people’s money.  Without their consent.  Some people call that robbery.

RH:  [Pause]  I – I give to the poor.

MI:  Let’s talk about the Sheriff of Nottingham.  You don’t like him do you?

RH:  No I don’t.  Because of him I’ve had to hide out here in the forest.

MI:  Why is he after you?  Is it because you haven’t paid taxes on any of your property?

RH:  [Pause]  I. Um.  I give to the poor.  I’m compassionate.  I compassionately give to the poor.

MI:  So you steal money from already overtaxed people while you yourself avoid your tax burden?

RH:  [Pause]  I’m a good person.  Compassionate.  I give to the poor.

MI:  Mr. Hood, may I present the Sheriff of Nottingham.

SN:  Robin Hood, I hereby arrest you.

Robin Hood is placed in handcuffs by the Sheriff of Nottingham and his deputies.

RH:  You f#*ing c#*#sucker, Manhattan Infidel.  You betrayed me.  Racist!  I steal from the rich and – 

MI:  Yeah, yeah, yeah.  Give to the poor.  I’ve heard it before.  He’s all yours, Sheriff.

SN:  Thank you Manhattan Infidel.

MI:  So, we’re good on that whole arrest thing with the prostitute?

SN:  As far as I’m concerned it never happened.

A handcuffed Robin Hood is taken away, kicking and screaming.

RB:  You motherf@#ing assh#@#!  When I get out I’m going to kick your f#$#ing c##(sucking motherf#$#ing ass!  I give to the poor!  I’m compassionate!  I know Oprah!

MI: Yeah keep talking punk.

And so ended my interview with Robin Hood.  Part of me regrets turning him in.  But I had to do what I had to do.  The Sheriff of Nottingham drives a hard bargain.

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